Ten months and fifteen days. Feels like a brief moment, but so much has changed and so much has stayed the same. The real focus though, is I have changed. I still have a lot of changing to go, but we're worlds away kids, maybe even galaxies, from where we started.
Life blows by so fast: and quite frankly I am sick of letting it sweep me away before I can get to enjoy it. I've realized that I have missed a lot in my life because I was focusing on where I wanted to go and nothing else. The only reason I was concerned with anything was because I wanted to take the most efficient route to get to where I wanted to go. And then it happened- my life altering moment.
We all have one- that moment where your life is over. You know it's happening because you are sitting there, with your head in your hands literally telling yourself over and over, "my life is over. That was it, my chance, my moment to shine, and I missed it. My life is over." Maybe you missed that last shot and didn't lead your team to victory. Maybe you miscalculated and your fourth quarter figures didn't make up for that dip in Q3. Maybe you met the love of your life and walked away without so much as even asking her name. Whatever it was, you know that moment when you realize that your life is over.
And it is. What, were you expecting another answer? Your life is over and you know it.
But, everyone who is of any importance in your life will tell you, "it's just a game," "next year will be your year," "there are other fish in the sea." And it's all crap. You know it, they know it, but for some reason we go through the motions and it makes us feel better. But really, we know our life is over. But what we forget is that (and of coure I'm going to use a song quote here) "every new beginning is some other beginning's end." And it's true; just as much as our life is over, it is starting over as well.
When we have that moment, we will never be the same as we were before. We have the choice of how to start over. You can choose bitterness, holding onto what happened and letting it define who you are. You can choose ignorance, walking away pretending that it did not matter as much as you know it did. Or you can choose growth, learning from that mistake and starting over as a person that would never make the same mistakes as the dumb you of 10 minutes ago would. The hardest, by far, of the options; but the most rewarding.
I wish that I could attest to the amazing feeling that comes with owning your mistakes, learning from them, and growing into a beter person. But I can't, not yet anyways. When I had my moment, I chose to be bitter. I chose to hate myself, my life and everyone in it. But now, ten months and fifteen days later, I really am starting over. I had the door slammed in my face that ten and a half months ago, and until now I have been hanging around outside it, occasionally pounding on it trying to getback in. but I have finally realized that it might just be easier to turn around and open that other much newer, stronger, prettier door that has been behind me this whole time. Guess I better open it...