when it rains...

So it's a rainy Thursday.  Not loving it, but it is indeed pretty representative of how I feel at the present time.  I'm feeling a bit under the whether and THAT I am pretty sure is related to not just the inevitable change of the seasons, but stress from every direction.  We all know fall is a time for change, but considering my life has been in a state of constant flux throughout summer, I was hoping fall would break suit this year and be a time of stability.

NOPE.

The change keeps coming, and there is not a spec of stability in sight.  My "the glass is half full"-ers might say that this is a great opportunity; a time for me to spread my wings, take chances, make mistakes, take full advantage of the fact that I have no ties, nothing holding me back.  Conversely, those in "the glass is half empty" camp are thinking more along the lines of how difficult it is to operate under these conditions; no stability means a real lack of confidence, feeling unsure about the future makes it even harder to operate in the present.  And my favorite group is sitting right here with me saying "I don't care if it's half full or half empty, as long as there's tequila in it."

Life is not easy, and it's true, when it rains, it does indeed pour.  Life throws its challenges at us when we are least prepared for a reason.  Just like the grass and flowers that need the rain to grow, we need these challenges to push us to (and sometimes just a little past) our breaking point to allow us to grow.  We may not like it when it is all coming down on us, but when we can bloom in the sunlight that follows the storm, we appreciate that rain and all it did for it.

So I'm trying to keep my chin up throughout all these little things that dramatically add up in these times of strife, and quite frankly am a little bitter in the process.  It's hard, and it's ok, and I am going to let myself be a little bummed for the time being because I'm not going to lie, I would really, REALLY appreciate a sight of that rainbow as the storm clears.  Just as the rainbow indicated the perfect balance of rain and sun, I need that sign of hope indicating a future with the right balance of stability and change.  Then maybe, just maybe I can have my life back.

life: it's just notthat pretty.

I was driving home today and it hit me.  What?  Nothing.  As I was driving from my childhood home to my apartment (which will soon no longer be), I got swept up in this big feeling of nothingness- I was washed with the realization that I was empty.  How could this be?  I have been working for a year to be anything but empty.  I thought I was finally at a point where I was the only one who can build me up or tear me down.  Isn't that what all this hard work was for?  So that I could be the master of my environment and not the other way around?

And beyond that, even if I wasn't as on top of my game as I thought, what in my environment was even making me feel this way?   I have everything I need, maybe not everything I want, but who does?  My environment would be more than pleasing from most people.  But for some reason I was blindsided with this desolate nothingness.  

I think I need to find that one thing that makes everything else all fall together.  As freeing as it is to be in your early 20s with nothing holding you down but your own will.  But really it's terrifying.  There is no direction, barely a suggestion of where to go.  Everything is so far up in the air that you barely think it's going to fall down, let alone where it may or may not fall.  So hard to make forward progress when you can barely see what lies ahead.  I am starving for that one thing that gives me the direction I'm lacking.  but in order to get that one thing I know I am going to have to take a risk.  

Taking a risk is never easy- the definition of risk is going in blind and hoping for the best out come while knowing that failure is a high possibility.  It's scary, but in order to have a starting point fore the rest of my life, it is that time.  As Britney Spears says, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" (yes I am quoting Britney, do not judge me)- I have to take that risk as a girl with nothing in the word holding me back and keep the responsible woman in me at bay with the confidence that I am doing this for her, so she can figure out what is to come.  Time to take the deep breath and jump into the unknown- its the only way forward.