Void

So many things swirling in and out of life. Wanting to do more than what I'm capable. Willing to do more than my body and mind will allow. Why can I not push myself? Why am I not able to make my dream a reality? Where is the drive? The motivation? The person I used to be?

Somehow consequences feel simultaneously more terrifying and less pressing. Still scared to disappoint, to fail but somehow not enough to power through, make it happen, care. When did it become empty? How does it become full once more? And by it, do I mean me?

I hate when this becomes more about questions than answers. This whole project was inspired by my desire to have others learn from my mistakes because I never got the chance. I wanted to make good on those experiences and even if I could mot make my mistakes into learning experiences, someone could. But this isn't about answers today.

Hasn't been for awhile. Without questions there are no answers. So I guess this is one of those necessary evils. Sometimes it seems that the more I see the less I know. I want to learn, grow, be. And right now I can barely watch as life happens and the opportunities for each of those things are passed up. It hurts. But maybe it's just a growing pain. Or maybe it's a void.