(not) funny

So I came to a sad realization today. In the context of a larger story- which I may or may not get into at a later time- I was telling a joke about how I will follow in the footsteps of one fictional Sue Sylvester and marry myself (Sadly this has become a definite possibility with the way things have been going as of late). I went on to find myself actually saying, in an appropriately comedic voice, "...alienating people one at a time so there's no one to even invite to my marriage to myself." Funny, hysterical in fact. Until I stopped and realized that this may actually be true.

I have no plan. No place I want to be. No end destination in sight.

I simply travel from day to day, feeding the needs that need the most immediate attention. There is no prioritization based on future goals because how on earth am I supposed to figure out how to get where I am going when that final destination is barely more than a hope of being something real. I'm lost. After 2 years of "finding myself" I have found... nothing. I have no clue where I am going, where I should be going, or how fast I should be getting there.

I have been focusing on finding the things that make me happy- friends, family, activities, professional and academic endeavors, bettering myself... new things, old things, new friends, and the ones that have been in it through the long haul. And I thought I was getting somewhere, I really did. I thought I was finally shaking off the dark cloud that I had spent the prior four and a half years (or 24 depending how you want to look at it) spinning around myself was looking like a reality rather than the mere dream of normalcy it had been.

I get what I deserve. I push people away, keeping them beyond the walls of false security I've been building in lieu of actual confidence, making sure that the strong facade is enough to keep them out of the unattractively vulnerable interior. I don't deserve better, because I don't want it, not right now anyways, as I cannot see myself doing anything but just making it through the next day.

Is my immediate need gratification getting in the way of achieving the longer term goals, despite not knowing what they are? Am I going to continue to make the funny vision of a guest-less wedding to myself a sad reality?

...