blahh

What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

(not) funny

So I came to a sad realization today. In the context of a larger story- which I may or may not get into at a later time- I was telling a joke about how I will follow in the footsteps of one fictional Sue Sylvester and marry myself (Sadly this has become a definite possibility with the way things have been going as of late). I went on to find myself actually saying, in an appropriately comedic voice, "...alienating people one at a time so there's no one to even invite to my marriage to myself." Funny, hysterical in fact. Until I stopped and realized that this may actually be true.

I have no plan. No place I want to be. No end destination in sight.

I simply travel from day to day, feeding the needs that need the most immediate attention. There is no prioritization based on future goals because how on earth am I supposed to figure out how to get where I am going when that final destination is barely more than a hope of being something real. I'm lost. After 2 years of "finding myself" I have found... nothing. I have no clue where I am going, where I should be going, or how fast I should be getting there.

I have been focusing on finding the things that make me happy- friends, family, activities, professional and academic endeavors, bettering myself... new things, old things, new friends, and the ones that have been in it through the long haul. And I thought I was getting somewhere, I really did. I thought I was finally shaking off the dark cloud that I had spent the prior four and a half years (or 24 depending how you want to look at it) spinning around myself was looking like a reality rather than the mere dream of normalcy it had been.

I get what I deserve. I push people away, keeping them beyond the walls of false security I've been building in lieu of actual confidence, making sure that the strong facade is enough to keep them out of the unattractively vulnerable interior. I don't deserve better, because I don't want it, not right now anyways, as I cannot see myself doing anything but just making it through the next day.

Is my immediate need gratification getting in the way of achieving the longer term goals, despite not knowing what they are? Am I going to continue to make the funny vision of a guest-less wedding to myself a sad reality?

...

oh the things you can think

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.

you can't always get what you want

Sometimes you don't know what it is that you want.  When you are young and the world is your oyster, the world presents so many opportunities.  When you play, you let your imagination run free.  One day your stuffed animals are jurors in a courtroom as you recite lines overheard on TV law shows, the next they are guests at your table as you create then some inedible meal of Play-Doh spaghetti, and the day after that you are rescuing them from a burning building.  You can literally be anything you want to be, anything.  You don't have to be good at it, its not real.  You aren't going to lose sleep over convicting an innocent bear, giving food poisoning to a bunny, or not being able to save the turtle.  In fact, you are spending so much time focusing on the fun, that you don't even realize there would be consequences.

Kids play "doctor", not "navigating malpractice insurance" for a reason.

As we get older, we start narrowing down our hobbies; find the things that we are most passionate about and focus our time and energy there.  Sure we still play a few sports in high school, we take a variety of classes, participate in a number of clubs- but you have your favorite.  Then in college the field gets even further narrowed down.  Things start becoming more real, consequences become more evident and a need for more focus is determined and we, as smart human beings, do our best to make that commitment and accomplish more in that particular field.  Somewhere along the lines, most people make this decision about what it is they are going to do, for real.

For some, the lucky few, it comes more naturally- their passion and talent align.  They simply focus on what they are best at, and add a little extra effort to make it work for them.  For others it's a little trickier, but still do-able- their passion is great, but the natural ability to support it is not.  They have to work hard, put in a real effort to be able to turn their passion into their livelihood, but with enough passion, a little guidance and education will get you there no problem.  But there is another option here and this is where I find myself.  At a place where the passion and talent are indeterminable.

How can I make progress when I do not know where it is that I want to progress to?  I know I want certain things in life, but I am still searching for that driving force.  Maybe there is a powerful skill I have yet to discover that will help me out.  Or maybe I will develop a passion for something so deep that I will have no choice but to devote future endeavors to it.  But until then, I stand at a crossroads, so desperately wanting to move forward, but with so many directions to choose from I feel so stuck here.  I need to want to go my own way.

You can't always get what you want.  Because sometimes you don't know what exactly that is...