tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

oh the things you can think

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.

close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

(not) feeling it

I really wish I was feeling this (or anything) more.  I have 4 posts in draft, but nothing is really ready to be let out into the great unknown world of the internet.  So for now I will say: expect the unexpected, tomorrow is another day, and things happen (pause) there are reasons.

Keep your head up, and let others help you do so.  We aren't in this alone, even thought we might have to go into battle solo, the support is there for sure.  Take it when you can and be sure to thank them and be there to support them in return.

Life will make sense someday.  Maybe not to you, or me, or anyone who as 2 brain cells that synapse at the same time, but to someone.  Find the hope in that and hold onto it for dear life, because tonight people,  that's all I got for you.

I am not going to put up here something that I don't feel.  And tonight (obviously), I don't feel very coordinated, logical, or much of anything really.  So take what you can from this mess and keep holding on.

More to come.