Thursday, May 16, 2013
3 (long) years
3 years. I have been a real person for 3 whole years. Weird.
And while the better part of my being is tempted to spend my energy looking back on an easier time, I am fighting off the depressing thoughts of how far removed I am from the free-and-fancy college senior lifestyle as I watch those I mentored 3 years ago living the dream that is the final days of college (what? I said fighting, not winning...). And I think I owe a little of that to myself, but living in the past is neither healthy nor productive so I'll give myself a very mourning period but then I'll tip my hat to the fact that I am growing up.
3 years, I am an adult now: I'm responsible... for the most part... I mean, I go to bed at a reasonable times...when I need to.... uhmmm.... well, I make plans and budgets...and stick to them... oh wait, no...
HAH - I knew it! I knew I wasn't a full-blown grown-up yet! And of course, I am no longer that crazy, bright-eyed college grad, but that's ok. Because I shouldn't be that anymore. That was then and this is now. Now, I have had so many amazing experiences that have bettered me as an individual and helped me become a more mature person primed for the best years of life.
I realized that today, I have just achieved something great. AND it is the first thing I am able to look back on in my adult life and say "Good job, self. That is an accomplishment you should be proud of." WIN! I finally relieved myself of a burden I have been carrying for years. It was an objective burden amplified by guilt stemming from the fact that I was once weak enough to not only allow, but encourage someone to place such a burden on me. But today I conquered that burden and I think I am finally starting to really forgive myself and move on. Oh crap... maybe I am a grown-up....
Time heals all wounds, but if you have some help things heal a lot faster. And I have had some of the best help a person can ask for. From family and friends that have had my back since I have had a back to have to new friends, mentors, and experiences constantly teaching me and providing a fresh take on life - I am fortunate to have had such a strong and positive force pushing me through this last 3 years and molding me into the pretty awesome woman that I am today.
I am looking at this major accomplishment as the fresh start I have been searching for. As the springboard into the next phase of adulthood (while still avoiding actual grown-up status for as long as possible. Call me crazy but I am feeling like a lot of good things might be happening soon. Here is hoping my feeling is right.
Friday, April 19, 2013
is this real life?
Anyone that knows me knows that I love a good crime drama. I love to escape into the fantasy of chasing the bad guy and determining why a crafted villan executed his absurd crimes. The problem is that recently, I can barely differentiate the terrifying reality of the local news with the fantastic escape of these made up tales. The crime scenes are not sets built to look familiar, they are the stores I frequent and neighborhoods I have driven through on streets that I know. The responding officers are not actors, they are my neighbors. The blood of the wounded and killed is not from the prop closet, it is from the hearts of those that loved people close to me and protected our homes.
How is this real? I know that being in a "lockdown" is to keep us safe so I try to take comfort in a day at home. But then I watch SWAT teams invade not a camp in a warzone... or a city in another country... or even a city in a different state, but the neighborhood down the street. Down the street. That's not a random mall that they are using as a terrorist-tracking base camp, that's the mall I was at last week - there is a military vehicle where I parked my Corolla last week. This doesn't happen here. It happens, but it doesn't happen HERE.
Shit just got real and I am NOT handling it well. And this is barely happening to me.
I am one of the lucky ones - I got the "you're next-door, so you lockdown too" warning. I got the "shaken, but ok" responses from my panicked texts and frantic calls. I got to respond with "good, please stay safe" and someone was alive and well on the receiving end. There are others out there that are not that lucky. They are sitting in their houses, afraid to watch the chaos unfolding outside their front door, literally. They are in hospital rooms or worse, staring at make-shift memorials trying to wrap their minds about how they are going to continue on without loved ones.
So if I'm removed, why can't I handle it? Because this is what it means to be human: to feel on behalf of someone else. And even though we want to remove ourselves from such horrible experiences, we cannot ignore what hits home. We use physical distance to create emotional distance from tragedy because without that defense mechanism we would never be able to muster-up the strength to exist, but then it happens down the street and you have no choice but to be affected.
So here we are Boston, being affected. And it sucks. But so far we have done a damn good job. We have helped each other, we have informed each other, we have been there for each other, and we are feeling for each other. We are Boston Strong and we will continue to live up to our reputation of being the tough, resilient city at the foundation of America.
"You showed us, Boston, that in the face of evil, Americans will lift up what's good. In the face of cruelty, we will choose compassion. In the face of those who would visit death upon innocents, we will choose to save and to comfort and to heal. We'll choose friendship. We'll choose love." - President Barack Obama
Boston, you're my home. And I cannot wait until it is a wicked peaceful place once more.
How is this real? I know that being in a "lockdown" is to keep us safe so I try to take comfort in a day at home. But then I watch SWAT teams invade not a camp in a warzone... or a city in another country... or even a city in a different state, but the neighborhood down the street. Down the street. That's not a random mall that they are using as a terrorist-tracking base camp, that's the mall I was at last week - there is a military vehicle where I parked my Corolla last week. This doesn't happen here. It happens, but it doesn't happen HERE.
Shit just got real and I am NOT handling it well. And this is barely happening to me.
I am one of the lucky ones - I got the "you're next-door, so you lockdown too" warning. I got the "shaken, but ok" responses from my panicked texts and frantic calls. I got to respond with "good, please stay safe" and someone was alive and well on the receiving end. There are others out there that are not that lucky. They are sitting in their houses, afraid to watch the chaos unfolding outside their front door, literally. They are in hospital rooms or worse, staring at make-shift memorials trying to wrap their minds about how they are going to continue on without loved ones.
So if I'm removed, why can't I handle it? Because this is what it means to be human: to feel on behalf of someone else. And even though we want to remove ourselves from such horrible experiences, we cannot ignore what hits home. We use physical distance to create emotional distance from tragedy because without that defense mechanism we would never be able to muster-up the strength to exist, but then it happens down the street and you have no choice but to be affected.
So here we are Boston, being affected. And it sucks. But so far we have done a damn good job. We have helped each other, we have informed each other, we have been there for each other, and we are feeling for each other. We are Boston Strong and we will continue to live up to our reputation of being the tough, resilient city at the foundation of America.
"You showed us, Boston, that in the face of evil, Americans will lift up what's good. In the face of cruelty, we will choose compassion. In the face of those who would visit death upon innocents, we will choose to save and to comfort and to heal. We'll choose friendship. We'll choose love." - President Barack Obama
Boston, you're my home. And I cannot wait until it is a wicked peaceful place once more.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
growing up
Forget about breaking up, growing up is what is hard to do. When you are a 20-something, you're too young to be old but too old to be young. Your years of thinking you knew it all are but a distant memory yet, you know the years of actually knowing anything are still way, way, WAY off in the distance. You've made enough mistakes to have some clarity, but the vision is still hazy enough to have no clue what obstacles are still out there - even though you know there are way more of those than there are patches of clear sky ahead of you. It's daunting - the only thing you are sure of is that you are not sure of anything.
It seems you can't do anything right. In fact, do you even know what right is?
You want to do what is right for you but with the changing times, there are so many options for what that right thing could be it is hard to judge whether you are actually on the right track. The days of being able to compare yourself to your peers to ensure progress went by the wayside with dowries. It can no longer be assumed that men will follow in the pre-destined footsteps of their father in the family trade nor should women to simply expect to be wed and preparing a nursery within a few years of graduating from high school.
We've obviously come a long way from that, but all these possible options presents an opportunity that is equally as terrifying as it is liberating. With so many options it is comforting knowing that there is likely going to be one that works for you but hard to figure out which is the best. And even harder to determine how to define success when everyone's success is now so customized rather than the one-size-fits-all success of generations past.
Being in between is difficult, but I guess this is why we focus in on the fact that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We might have no clue how to define success or identify when we have achieved it, but we do have the opportunity to experience life with every attempt at getting it right. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will look back on this time in our lives and be thankful that it played out the way it did because being clueless and in your mid-20s was really living.
It seems you can't do anything right. In fact, do you even know what right is?
You want to do what is right for you but with the changing times, there are so many options for what that right thing could be it is hard to judge whether you are actually on the right track. The days of being able to compare yourself to your peers to ensure progress went by the wayside with dowries. It can no longer be assumed that men will follow in the pre-destined footsteps of their father in the family trade nor should women to simply expect to be wed and preparing a nursery within a few years of graduating from high school.
We've obviously come a long way from that, but all these possible options presents an opportunity that is equally as terrifying as it is liberating. With so many options it is comforting knowing that there is likely going to be one that works for you but hard to figure out which is the best. And even harder to determine how to define success when everyone's success is now so customized rather than the one-size-fits-all success of generations past.
Being in between is difficult, but I guess this is why we focus in on the fact that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We might have no clue how to define success or identify when we have achieved it, but we do have the opportunity to experience life with every attempt at getting it right. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will look back on this time in our lives and be thankful that it played out the way it did because being clueless and in your mid-20s was really living.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Void
So many things swirling in and out of life. Wanting to do more than what I'm capable. Willing to do more than my body and mind will allow. Why can I not push myself? Why am I not able to make my dream a reality? Where is the drive? The motivation? The person I used to be?
Somehow consequences feel simultaneously more terrifying and less pressing. Still scared to disappoint, to fail but somehow not enough to power through, make it happen, care. When did it become empty? How does it become full once more? And by it, do I mean me?
I hate when this becomes more about questions than answers. This whole project was inspired by my desire to have others learn from my mistakes because I never got the chance. I wanted to make good on those experiences and even if I could mot make my mistakes into learning experiences, someone could. But this isn't about answers today.
Hasn't been for awhile. Without questions there are no answers. So I guess this is one of those necessary evils. Sometimes it seems that the more I see the less I know. I want to learn, grow, be. And right now I can barely watch as life happens and the opportunities for each of those things are passed up. It hurts. But maybe it's just a growing pain. Or maybe it's a void.
Somehow consequences feel simultaneously more terrifying and less pressing. Still scared to disappoint, to fail but somehow not enough to power through, make it happen, care. When did it become empty? How does it become full once more? And by it, do I mean me?
I hate when this becomes more about questions than answers. This whole project was inspired by my desire to have others learn from my mistakes because I never got the chance. I wanted to make good on those experiences and even if I could mot make my mistakes into learning experiences, someone could. But this isn't about answers today.
Hasn't been for awhile. Without questions there are no answers. So I guess this is one of those necessary evils. Sometimes it seems that the more I see the less I know. I want to learn, grow, be. And right now I can barely watch as life happens and the opportunities for each of those things are passed up. It hurts. But maybe it's just a growing pain. Or maybe it's a void.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
snow storm
the reflection of the moon on the fresh fallen snow.
the eerie glow illuminates more than the cold night sky.
the light usually brings comfort through clarity- revealing more details than the clumsy darkness allows.
but not tonight.
the silence of the abandoned streets rings through the air.
the quietness is louder than ears can hear- bones rattled, core shaken.
the quiet usually brings serenity through focus- centering genuine thoughts from the whizzing mindlessness.
but not tonight.
the eerie glow illuminates more than the cold night sky.
the light usually brings comfort through clarity- revealing more details than the clumsy darkness allows.
but not tonight.
the silence of the abandoned streets rings through the air.
the quietness is louder than ears can hear- bones rattled, core shaken.
the quiet usually brings serenity through focus- centering genuine thoughts from the whizzing mindlessness.
but not tonight.
the power of the snow is more that the frozen flakes taking their place, chilling our lives.
the frosty drops should glisten with wonder- covering the mess of winter with a fresh, clean cover.
but not tonight.
not tonight.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
null
my life is full and happy.
yet nothing I can feel.
always have that yearning
for something that is real.
of friends i have a hunded
and family is the core.
yet nothing can wake me from this daze
of wanting something more.
it's hard to keep pretending
that everything is right.
spend all day with a fake smile
wishing to sink back into night.
when nobody can find me,
i'm safe in these 4 walls.
the darkness washes over me
and i try to fight the fall.
but it is easier to not resist
no need to fight or flee.
but i know without that effort
my life will never be free.
i'll stay within that darkness
until the dawn brings the sun.
but i cannot help but hope
that this fight by me can be won.
yet nothing I can feel.
always have that yearning
for something that is real.
of friends i have a hunded
and family is the core.
yet nothing can wake me from this daze
of wanting something more.
it's hard to keep pretending
that everything is right.
spend all day with a fake smile
wishing to sink back into night.
when nobody can find me,
i'm safe in these 4 walls.
the darkness washes over me
and i try to fight the fall.
but it is easier to not resist
no need to fight or flee.
but i know without that effort
my life will never be free.
i'll stay within that darkness
until the dawn brings the sun.
but i cannot help but hope
that this fight by me can be won.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
the hard way
You are never going to learn things the easy way. Because that's not learning, that's luck.
You learn more from doing (correctly or incorrectly, even though you learn more when it it the latter even though it is more painful and/or stressful) than from thinking or theorizing or pondering. But just because it is the best way does not mean that it feels the best.
Sometimes it sucks to learn a lesson. Sometimes it sucks even more to realize you are learning a lesson you thought you were way beyond learning. Sometimes it sucks the most toe learn that lesson and realize that you are nowhere near where you want to be because you have based so many choices on a pre-enlightened mindset.
Guess what? Time to move on. You can't change the past, you can't go back and "only know then what you know now." All you can do is make the future as much as you can with the knowledge that you have.
And don't forget- just because you change what you want, doesn't mean you get to say that you didn't get what you wanted in the past. It just means that you have to accept that you have changed (for better or for worse) your goal; you got exactly what you wanted, it's just time to want something new.
You learn more from doing (correctly or incorrectly, even though you learn more when it it the latter even though it is more painful and/or stressful) than from thinking or theorizing or pondering. But just because it is the best way does not mean that it feels the best.
Sometimes it sucks to learn a lesson. Sometimes it sucks even more to realize you are learning a lesson you thought you were way beyond learning. Sometimes it sucks the most toe learn that lesson and realize that you are nowhere near where you want to be because you have based so many choices on a pre-enlightened mindset.
Guess what? Time to move on. You can't change the past, you can't go back and "only know then what you know now." All you can do is make the future as much as you can with the knowledge that you have.
And don't forget- just because you change what you want, doesn't mean you get to say that you didn't get what you wanted in the past. It just means that you have to accept that you have changed (for better or for worse) your goal; you got exactly what you wanted, it's just time to want something new.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)