appearance is everything

As much as I hate to admit it, it's true- the way things look on a superficial level is a matter of importance. I, of all people, should probably be touting the "it's what is on the inside that counts" adage rather than the importance of the outward appearance of things, but I have come to terms with the reality of the situation.  It's been on my mind lately because I have found a new talent in marring my physical possessions: breaking them jut enough to not look good but dealing with it because the function is not affected. So far I have acquired a a dented computer, a scratched car, and a lackluster wardrobe- bothers me to no end, and yet the motivation to pay to have it fixed is so minimal because there is no functional affect.

Source: http://mcgarnagle.com/2011/07/08/girl-at-mirror/

But it matters, the things I own and my physical appearance should reflect the good that is contained within them. But then I struggle with the balance if what is actually important- the steak, or the sizzle. It doesn't help that I am in marketing and have been trained (and then professionally reinforced) to make it "pop" - that no one will read your message if it doesn't look good, or get your attention. It could be the best story on the face of the earth, but without the attractive frame, the message means less.

But should the sizzle define the steak? I mean just because we live n a world where it does, does that mean I should just adjust and therefore perpetuate the superficial appreciation of things? Or do I take the opportunity to try to make positive changes. And make people think more about what is on the inside and the fact that it is indeed more important than the way it looks. It is difficult to say.

All that being said, I have to reach down into my piggy bank and start replacing and repairing the things that I have become so good at breaking and try to figure out how to be ok with that. Also, I need to learn how to be more responsible with my things, even thought I usually am- really I just have to make the one little slip-up less dramatically impactful. Too bad I really live the whole "go big or don't go at all" thing, I just wish it didn't happen with the bad stuff too. #humph. Onward...

(not) funny

So I came to a sad realization today. In the context of a larger story- which I may or may not get into at a later time- I was telling a joke about how I will follow in the footsteps of one fictional Sue Sylvester and marry myself (Sadly this has become a definite possibility with the way things have been going as of late). I went on to find myself actually saying, in an appropriately comedic voice, "...alienating people one at a time so there's no one to even invite to my marriage to myself." Funny, hysterical in fact. Until I stopped and realized that this may actually be true.

I have no plan. No place I want to be. No end destination in sight.

I simply travel from day to day, feeding the needs that need the most immediate attention. There is no prioritization based on future goals because how on earth am I supposed to figure out how to get where I am going when that final destination is barely more than a hope of being something real. I'm lost. After 2 years of "finding myself" I have found... nothing. I have no clue where I am going, where I should be going, or how fast I should be getting there.

I have been focusing on finding the things that make me happy- friends, family, activities, professional and academic endeavors, bettering myself... new things, old things, new friends, and the ones that have been in it through the long haul. And I thought I was getting somewhere, I really did. I thought I was finally shaking off the dark cloud that I had spent the prior four and a half years (or 24 depending how you want to look at it) spinning around myself was looking like a reality rather than the mere dream of normalcy it had been.

I get what I deserve. I push people away, keeping them beyond the walls of false security I've been building in lieu of actual confidence, making sure that the strong facade is enough to keep them out of the unattractively vulnerable interior. I don't deserve better, because I don't want it, not right now anyways, as I cannot see myself doing anything but just making it through the next day.

Is my immediate need gratification getting in the way of achieving the longer term goals, despite not knowing what they are? Am I going to continue to make the funny vision of a guest-less wedding to myself a sad reality?

...

oh the things you can think

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.