and i promise you...

...I will learn from my mistakes.  We all make mistakes- it's a natural part of life.  Some are bigger than others, but every little one is the catalyst for growth.  No toddler just takes off running the first time they prop themselves up.  They stumble, they fall, they make mistakes- this is how they learn.  No one gets it right the first time (however if you know anyone who gets it right the first time every time I want them on my non-existent payroll).

So walking, basic motor skill- not easy to master, and I want to talk about trust.  Trust, one of the hardest human emotions to wrangle (feel free to picture a cowboy roping cows branded with different emoticons, as that's what I am doing).  Trust is hard because it falls at the crossroads between the head and the heart; it is the fine balance between intuition and logic, between feeling and ration.  And the worst part is that trust is a balance between what is earned and given.

Trust is so complicated because you have to depend not only on your internal struggle, but also someone else's.  People are complicated creatures, which is a great thing because it makes us interesting and this life worth living, but we all know "interesting" is just a euphemism for "I need to turn a negative into a positive without going as far to actually saying I like it..."  I believe it is true, what they all say... at least now I do:  first that you cannot trust others until you trust yourself and second that those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.

I learned that as far as I have come, I still have much to learn when it comes to completely trusting myself (and admit that it's ok to let myself change my mind if I so need).  Trust truly does have to be mutual- one person cannot trust another that person does not trust them back.  And as much as those who aren't trusted can never earn said trust, if they are unwilling to trust others- take it as a sign, they are most likely not worthy of your trust.

In this life there are so few moments, and even fewer people worthy of sharing them with.  Each moment should each be treasured for what it gives to us and so should each person.  There is not enough time to be spending moments with people that have anything other than your best interest in mind.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past.  I have taken advantage of other people's trust and had others do the same to me.  Lessons learned?  We all make mistakes, we all control how said mistakes form our character, some characters are a lot better than others, and you need to carefully examine the character of those you let in your life- only the top should have the ability to earn your trust.

is it over yet?

So I went ziplining over the weekend.  Super fun.  You should really try it if you haven't.  It's incredible.  And it's not just an incredible experience in and of itself, but it is also incredible how much the experience reflects the way I feel about life right now.  It's exciting, there is so much opportunity, so much to experience... if you can just get past that first leap and all the hype surrounding it.  For the rest of the post feel free to exchange "ziplining" for "life."

Ziplining was so exciting in theory, I loved talking about it, the idea was thrilling, and I was going to go enjoy this great time with a great group of people; what is an experience really if it is not enjoyed amongst friends?  But actually doing it was more scary than exciting.  You take all the appropriate safety measures, strap in, follow the advice of experts, but there is still no sure fire way of making sure you are going to get through it in once piece.  You literally have to stare down the mountain, watching the thin lines that are supposedly getting you across disappear to a spec on the other side.  You can see where you are going, know the way to get there, but you never know if you are going to make it.

Your scared, your unsure, but with the support of friends you close your eyes and jump of the edge.  And if you're like me, you keep your eyes closed and don't even have enough breath to scream because you haven't been breathing.  So worried about the outcome, you are barely enjoying the journey.  But you get there, you might need to ne straddled by a man- who will at least make you dinner later that night (turns out we were in such a small town that the zipline tour guide was also the chef at the restaurant we went to later that night)- and rescued the last little bit.  But you will get there.

So with my feet firmly planted on the ground, I had a whole new respect for the journey I had just gone on, and a little more confidence in it.  So round 2, I was able to jump on my very own.  By round 3, I was breathing.  And by round 4, I was smiling.  And finally by the last round I was enjoying it.  The only problem was, by the time i started actually having fun, it was almost over.  And although I can go ziplining again, and know how to enjoy it from the beginning, I do not have the same leisure with life.  If I wait until I am sure I am going to be ok to start enjoying life, I am going to be waiting forever.  And who wants to look back and say that they lived in fear and never truly got to enjoy it.

It is time to stop asking if it is over yet and start enjoying this journey for what it is.  Life is more than just hoping you get to your next destination; we have to get there, and we are going to, so why not enjoy what we can along the way?  Unlike ziplining, we can't do life again so just breathe, enjoy it for what it is, and always appreciated your feet being on solid ground.

you can't always get what you want

Sometimes you don't know what it is that you want.  When you are young and the world is your oyster, the world presents so many opportunities.  When you play, you let your imagination run free.  One day your stuffed animals are jurors in a courtroom as you recite lines overheard on TV law shows, the next they are guests at your table as you create then some inedible meal of Play-Doh spaghetti, and the day after that you are rescuing them from a burning building.  You can literally be anything you want to be, anything.  You don't have to be good at it, its not real.  You aren't going to lose sleep over convicting an innocent bear, giving food poisoning to a bunny, or not being able to save the turtle.  In fact, you are spending so much time focusing on the fun, that you don't even realize there would be consequences.

Kids play "doctor", not "navigating malpractice insurance" for a reason.

As we get older, we start narrowing down our hobbies; find the things that we are most passionate about and focus our time and energy there.  Sure we still play a few sports in high school, we take a variety of classes, participate in a number of clubs- but you have your favorite.  Then in college the field gets even further narrowed down.  Things start becoming more real, consequences become more evident and a need for more focus is determined and we, as smart human beings, do our best to make that commitment and accomplish more in that particular field.  Somewhere along the lines, most people make this decision about what it is they are going to do, for real.

For some, the lucky few, it comes more naturally- their passion and talent align.  They simply focus on what they are best at, and add a little extra effort to make it work for them.  For others it's a little trickier, but still do-able- their passion is great, but the natural ability to support it is not.  They have to work hard, put in a real effort to be able to turn their passion into their livelihood, but with enough passion, a little guidance and education will get you there no problem.  But there is another option here and this is where I find myself.  At a place where the passion and talent are indeterminable.

How can I make progress when I do not know where it is that I want to progress to?  I know I want certain things in life, but I am still searching for that driving force.  Maybe there is a powerful skill I have yet to discover that will help me out.  Or maybe I will develop a passion for something so deep that I will have no choice but to devote future endeavors to it.  But until then, I stand at a crossroads, so desperately wanting to move forward, but with so many directions to choose from I feel so stuck here.  I need to want to go my own way.

You can't always get what you want.  Because sometimes you don't know what exactly that is...

i get attached. so what?

I have feelings.  They come out when I get close to people.  I pretend like it doesnt happen, but it does.  And its hard for me to deal with.  Really hard.  Because not only am I dealing with this difficult emotion but also because I am pretending to be so ok with it.  So im not just trying to hide a feeling, but fake another one.  I am good at faking things, but that doesnt make it easy (or preferable).

Is it so bad to have feelings?  I've spent so much time avoiding them that I am not even sure anymore.  One of the things that I love about myself is how much I care about others.  I just hate how it always seems to get me in trouble.  Passion is a great thing, but it can really get you in trouble because that intense feeling takes over ration and common sense.  That's what's so magical about feelings, when they are so strong that they make you forget that you are supposed to be a rational, process-driven entity.

I love that feeling of being swept up in the moment, not caring what makes sense and what doesn't.  But it's also scary knowing that feelings can do that.  So I guess I understand why I tried to turn them off for so long.  Sometimes when you can't handle things, you go into self preservation mode and the easiest way to deal with an issue is to... well, not.  But life does not operate on the premise of "if you ignore it, it goes away."  We need to address our issues, face them head on, especially when it is a difficult one.

So I get attached.  I care.  And from now on, I'm done pretending otherwise.

i've got a new attitude

So Friday was a bad day.  Can't give you on reason why exactly this was the case, but that is not the point here... quite the opposite actually.  My lesson of this weekend is that being positive attracts more positivity.  So rather than thinking about what may or may not be bad, we focus on what is good.  Shifting your focus to what is good in life, in turn, allows more of the good things in life to be center-stage.  It is easy to get sucked into a black hole in life.  The "when it rains it pours" mentality might be true, but it is only enhanced by our tendency to bring ourselves down but focusing on the negative.  I have spent way to much time being a negative nelly lately and this weekend and its roller coaster-esque nature seemed to be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it.

Yes, the story from how I went from a sobbing mess in a robe and a shower cap clutching a bottle of white wine (yes it was JUST as pathetic as it sounds, acually porbably more pathetic than it sounds) on Friday night to an arguably over-positive attitude today required QUITE the transformation- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it happened, oh boy did it ever happen.  Thankfully I am very fortunate to have people in my life that can kick me into gear when I least want them to, but most need it.  I had friends that literally picked me up when I was down, made me clean up my act (which did not turn out so badly if I don't say so myself...) and forced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me past this crazy state I was in.  Positive- I learn I can push past life adversities.  Then my friends, my new attitude, and myself hit the town!  Positive- confidence building experience, here we come.

Now we've had two negatives and no positives.  It's coming, a negative, we knew it was bound to happen- I mean between my unfortunate wine induced state earlier in the evening and my obsession with cafe petron I may or may not have made some...um...not completely thought out decisions later that night.  Negative- shit happens, BUT positive- just because you make a mistake, doesn't make you a bad person and I am a little bit smarter about certain life situations (turning a negative into a positive, see what I did there).  Cue awesome friends.  If your friends aren't dolling you up and taking you out to get you out of a funk, then they are getting in sweats, staying in and doing dinner and a movie complete with boy talk, too much dessert, and tissues if necessary.  Positive- friends are everything in life and I have so many phenomenal ones to keep me centered.

And the positives keep coming with fun snacks, making great connections with even greater people (highlight), deepening friendships, and taking time to explore interests and the more I focused on the great things that are in my life, the happier I became and the harder it was for the things that are not going well for me right now to bring me down.  I even got bad news today and took the extra minute to find the silver lining.  Something that would have flat out knocked me out for a solid day was takencare of with just a little ice cream and raviolis instead of a salad for dinner.

So after a weekend of craziness leading to one solid day of positive thinking I was able to see myself reacting better to negative situations- progressing and learning from them rather than stewing and letting them bring me down.  Maybe there is something to this whole positive thinking thing.  I am going to take this as far as it will take me.  Even the 2 am infomercials give you 30 days, and this process has proved itself after just 1, I'm sold.  Hot negativity make way- I've got a new attitude.

but is it really greener?

So this whole life thing... not so easy if you haven't noticed. If you have- you aren't alone. I don't have stats but I know that there are bunches of other people that find themselves cursing before their head even leaves the pillow in the morning (if they are fortunate enought to have one that is).  If you haven't- prepare yourself. This isn't play time. I wish it was because back in the day, play time rocked, and better yet, it was followed wth nap time. We had no idea how good we had it. We never do.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Not to say that I disagree, but I disagree. It's not that it is greener on the other side, it's more that we just dont know how green it is where we are. We learn to take our side's greenery for granted. Thinking "yeah, it's green- alwyas has been always will be."  And we stop providing it the support it needs to grow into its glorious green self. Then we see what others have worked hard at maintaining over the fense and we want that. 


We do what it takes to get it (arguably more often than not that calls for more hard work than just tending to our grass, but anyways). We get it- we finally get that elusive greener grass. And there again begins the cycle. We take out new (supposedly bigger, better, greener) green for what it is- bigger, better, and greener. Then we sit an watch as what we once had grows back to its former glory and start to want it, even more because we know we had it once before.  


The point here is that we need to take the time to step back, realize what we have, and appreciate it for how beautiful it is in and of itself rather than in comparison to everything around it.  We always have it better than we think we do, it's just a matter of realizing it.

reach for the stars

Goals are, in fact, dreams with deadlines. Nothing good ever happened without a deadline. Might not be a firm or short deadline, but all projects that are worthwhile are completed at some point. So you are going to have goals, you have to have something to work towards and different things are going to happen to with those goals.

 

1. You are going to meet some of them. Celebrate this. You have succeeded at something you wanted to do, you have grown as a result. Set a new goal, time to push to the next level. 
2. You are going to not meet some of them (notice how I didn't say fail, such a harsh word, fail.) You may not have succeeded, BUT you have learned something. You are know aware of a boundary that you have and have grown as a result. Maybe it is time to set a new goal to push that boundary. 
3. You are going to have to adjust some of them. This whole goal thing is not a matter of black or white. There are times that goals may shift but not be completely reached or not. There is no answer key to life so no one is going to tell you that you are wrong (and if they do, might be time to evaluate the people in your life), but you need to do what you need to do. 

I am not really sure where I am in my phases of goals. I feel like a royal failure (yes, I know, hash word, but I do feel it), as we all will from time to time, but I am not sure it I need to admit defeat and start anew or simply adjust. I know I need something, but I am grasping at straws to find what that something is.

Theoretically, there's not much I am missing. I have the best and most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for (thank you for being awesome btw), I have a job (employment is good), I have great hair (when I chose to make it as such), a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear. I got all the basics, and I know that's more than some people could ask for in a life time. So I start to feel guilty not feeling fulfilled. Not to say that my life is perfect, but it's better than a lot of lives out there right now. I am lucky in many ways and need to start finding ways to make myself feel like that. I guess thats a new goal, ironic how life works...

it's gonna be worth it

It has to be. There is no way it can't be...like its gotta happen. Right? Please tell me this isn't it. That Darius Rucker song is ringing through my head over and 
over. And I'm getting the stop lights, the chances, the broken hearts- when comes the THIS man? Seriously. I'm just about at my breaking point. I thought I had it. And then its torn away from me (well really I tear it away from myself if I want to be accurate). And I know its just because I want so badly to have my THIS moment.

I know I shouldn't make it happen because forcing it just leads to heartbreak, but GOODGOD I'm impatient!  I'd love to just let life work out the way its supposed to, but I don't operate on life time, I operate on warp speed; I have a five year plan people. And I don't care if life has other plans, but I'd just like it to let me know so I can adjust my expectations.


Life is all about expectations.  Scratch that, life is about managing expectations.  People expect things from us, we expect things from people, we expect things from ourselves.  Sometimes people expect too much from us and we end up pushing ourselves past our limits and do more harm then good.  Sometimes people don't expect enough and we lack the motivation to push ourselves to be the best that we can be.  The worst is when we do this to ourselves.  Managing expectations is important to keeping yourself in balance so that you can press forward to a good place without going past that to a negative place.  

We also need to manage our expectations of others.  Our whole existence is based around our relationships with others and we can do just as much harm and good for ourselves by managing our expectations of them.  I like to believe in people and try to expect the most from them, but sometimes it is hard to get past negative experiences.  Just as we must manage others' expectations of us to promote optimum growth, we must manage our expectations of others.  Guess right now I am just just exception too much of other's and myself.  New goal: find a way to manage my expectations and relive the pressure life is putting on me, I am putting on life, and I am putting on myself.

small victories

We all know there are many phases of life, and the ebb and flow of life leads to some of these phases being better than others. The good times are great, maybe it was your glory days of high school, your animal house in college, maybe it's being married to the love of your life and starting a family- doesn't much matter what it actually is that makes you the happiest, it's more about how everything seems to fall neatly and effortlessly into place. However, as my high school physics teacher once said, "the mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear" (sure he could have said "what goes up must come down," but Mr. Miller was always kind of a show-off). And this, my friends, is NOT just Newton's third law of motion, it's a pretty accurate statement on life. For every high point where everything is coming up roses, there is that time where you can't catch a break to save your soul. And for whatever reason, these lows always seem more relentless and inescapable than the highs.

When times are good, it's easy to keep them that way because there are (seemingly) more good things on which to focus. And the bad times make you feel like you are in a bottomless pit because everywhere you look something else is going wrong to bring your mood down. So I guess what it comes down to is what it is that you are focusing on- you may not be able to change what surrounds you, but you always have a chance to change your attitude when you look for what is scarce.

You can have the best life that there is to have- perfect job, house, car, significant other, friends, family, and so on... but still only see the little thing that is not as perfect as it could be, and then that one little thing can keep you from enjoying all the rest that life had to offer. And conversely, when everything seems to be going wrong, all it takes is one little thing, one small victory to help your mind lead the rest of you into a better state. Maybe it's that one show you like, that phone call with a friend you haven't heard from in a while, that email from a certain someone that makes you smile, the fact that in trying to save some money you gave yourself a manicure and it came out pretty darn good- the point is, when everything is going wrong, there is still something, some LITTLE thing that went right.

They say it's all about mentality, and I am all about the "mind over matter" thing, recently my mind has been down and my matter has been even down-er (yes I know it's grammatically incorrect but it works for dramatic effect people, work with me here) and I need to make a bigger effort to notice the little things and celebrate life's small victories. That is if I can figure out how....