the reflection of the moon on the fresh fallen snow.
the eerie glow illuminates more than the cold night sky.
the light usually brings comfort through clarity- revealing more details than the clumsy darkness allows.
but not tonight.
the silence of the abandoned streets rings through the air.
the quietness is louder than ears can hear- bones rattled, core shaken.
the quiet usually brings serenity through focus- centering genuine thoughts from the whizzing mindlessness.
but not tonight.
the power of the snow is more that the frozen flakes taking their place, chilling our lives.
the frosty drops should glisten with wonder- covering the mess of winter with a fresh, clean cover.
You are never going to learn things the easy way. Because that's not learning, that's luck.
You learn more from doing (correctly or incorrectly, even though you learn more when it it the latter even though it is more painful and/or stressful) than from thinking or theorizing or pondering. But just because it is the best way does not mean that it feels the best.
Sometimes it sucks to learn a lesson. Sometimes it sucks even more to realize you are learning a lesson you thought you were way beyond learning. Sometimes it sucks the most toe learn that lesson and realize that you are nowhere near where you want to be because you have based so many choices on a pre-enlightened mindset.
Guess what? Time to move on. You can't change the past, you can't go back and "only know then what you know now." All you can do is make the future as much as you can with the knowledge that you have.
And don't forget- just because you change what you want, doesn't mean you get to say that you didn't get what you wanted in the past. It just means that you have to accept that you have changed (for better or for worse) your goal; you got exactly what you wanted, it's just time to want something new.
You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!
...
Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.
But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days- the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.
And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.
The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.
You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.
I almost called this post, "Time Heals All Wounds." But then I realized that was a boldface lie. Well, maybe not, but it is not a statement I feel comfortable saying emphatically (or at all). Time may ease the sting of even the worst burn, it may fade bold colors into nothing more than a faint outline, it may even turn a boulder into the grains of sand that wash upon a beach. But the truth is that time changes, it doesn't erase- that faint memory of what was, even if only a mere shadow of its former self never ceases to exist, it just exists differently.
Source: http://youtu.be/LZ0epRjfGLw
Today I am different. Time has not stopped my existence, rather it has altered the way I exist and I would like to think for the better. I am NOT that same girl that just two years ago dragged herself across a graduation stage already wishing she could undo that walk and what it represented. That girl exists, and its a good thing. Because that girl, as much as the mere idea of her brings pain, she is the shadow of what was, the reminder of what has been and will not be again. Treasured for what she was, but appreciated as only a mere a memory, not an omen.
Today I am different. I have been doing this whole "real life" thing for a full two years now, TWO YEARS. And a lot has happened in that time: I've gone from full time student to full time marketer, from confident senior in the protective bubble of college to the low man on the totem pole of life, from petrified interviewee to petrified interviewer (ok maybe not THAT much has changed...).
Today I am different. This is an interesting day for me- a celebration of a great time in my life (and another great time a year later), but also a painful reminder of the past. It has made this time of year has been a struggle- on top of the fact that it is already the "in between" time. Spring- not warm and clear enough to really be summer nor cold and raw enough to be winter, unpredictable- not crazy enough to call it busy season, but not slow and steady enough to phone it in (like I am even capable of that...). In a word, complicated. In two, overwhelmingly so.
It is a beginning... and an end.... and a beginning.
Take this as an opportunity to appreciate the pleasure and pain brought on by the memories of the past, but remember that those memories are no longer the boulders that once weighed you down and they have become the sand that you can now use to build your castles of the future. Take the extra time to look at what you have already built to get where you are, and what you can build more to the future.
I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.
one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love
The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say.
Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble.
I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.
They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.
There seems to be so much entangled in this (not so) simple re-statement of 3 words. With the constant drone about jobs (or lack thereof) and employment rates (or lack thereof) and hope for eminent resolution (or lack... I think you see where I am going with this), it is easy to see why so many conversations happen around how important work is to life. We live in a consumerized society and as much as this time is forcing many to go back to basics and re-evaluate what is really important in life, we haven't turned up with anything new.
Living a life filled with loving relationships matters, but we knew that.
Enjoying life's little moments is important, but we knew that too.
Making yourself and others feel fulfilled is all we need, and yet another thing we already knew.
Great, we know what matters- but even Maslow will tell you that you need your basics covered before you can start thinking about that.
And unfortunately, contrary to every love song ever written, love is not all you need. Love doesn't pay the bills, love doesn't keep the lights on, love doesn't put food on the table. Sure, love makes everything worth having, but when you spend so much time just figuring out how you are going to afford to have anything, even only the most basic anything, love and life take a back seat. Even life goals related to work take a back seat to work. As much as we don't want to make life all about the "almighty dollar," it seems as though we have little choice.
I am very fortunate to have been put in a situation where I am able to work in both a positon and an industry I am not only prepared for, but willing to work in and within 2 years of graduation. And believe me I KNOW how lucky I am. Yes, I worked hard and made the most out of opportunities afforded to me, but I know that there are fellow young adults out there that have worked just as hard and have yet to even BEGIN to think of working in a career they prepared for, all while dream careers are being filed next to "super hero" and "princess" in the "not gonna work out as a full time career" drawer.
So this all brings me to the ultimate question- do we work to live and do just what we need to do to get by and enjoy the genuinely good things in life along the way. Or, do we live to work and continuously try to progress ourselves and the system with the hopes that one day life will allow us to enjoy those genuinely good things? And worse yet, does the work always get in the way of life? Does it have to?
I don't know.
The best conclusion I can come to is a story that was shared with me by one of my business professors my senior year of school: More Than Money - What is "The Good Life" Parable. (And if you are more musically inclined, Kenny does a pretty good job of telling a similar story in the soothingly melodious way only he can: Kenny Chesney - The Life.) The story completely stirs up more questions than it answers, but sometimes the problem is solved by simply getting yourself to ask the right questions.
*NOTE: I do not own nor claim to own the rights to the video content. All original authors are respected and appreciated for their contributions. They made the point first, I just happen to agree.
All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.
Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.
So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.
I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.
Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.
Yeah, I know- I haven't posted in a while. I could do what I always do and apologize for something that is not really my fault and/or something I need not apologize for something along the lines of: "I am sorry I have been a bad blogger and not posted for a while, I swear this will be the last time that this happens."
I'm calling shenanigans... on myself. We all know that there is a valid reason for this lull in activity and there will be other valid reasons to follow. I don't feel the need to explain why; we are close enough for that to be ok, right? Right.
Also, I am working on not undermining myself by apologizing unnecessarily. Don't get me wrong when I need to be sorry I will apologize like it is an olympic sprot and I'm going for gold. But to apologize for unfortunate life situations that are out of my control? That is simply me taking on problems that are not in my area of control, and i really do not have the time or the emotional capacity to take ownership of the universe's shortcomings.
All that being said, I recognize and accept ownership of the fact that it has been a long time since a quality, well thought out post. But I'm not going to be sorry for it.
Alone again. Yet it's ok? Define ok- not as bad as it could be. Not as hungry as that kid with no food, not as tired as that single mom that work 3 jobs, not as cold as that man with no home, not as hopeless as that college grad with no job. I'm ok. We all are ok. The problem is we chose to focus on the areas they were not. Alone, yes. Bummed, yes. Ok, yes. Not ok with it. Just ok.
As much as I hate to admit it, it's true- the way things look on a superficial level is a matter of importance. I, of all people, should probably be touting the "it's what is on the inside that counts" adage rather than the importance of the outward appearance of things, but I have come to terms with the reality of the situation. It's been on my mind lately because I have found a new talent in marring my physical possessions: breaking them jut enough to not look good but dealing with it because the function is not affected. So far I have acquired a a dented computer, a scratched car, and a lackluster wardrobe- bothers me to no end, and yet the motivation to pay to have it fixed is so minimal because there is no functional affect.
But it matters, the things I own and my physical appearance should reflect the good that is contained within them. But then I struggle with the balance if what is actually important- the steak, or the sizzle. It doesn't help that I am in marketing and have been trained (and then professionally reinforced) to make it "pop" - that no one will read your message if it doesn't look good, or get your attention. It could be the best story on the face of the earth, but without the attractive frame, the message means less.
But should the sizzle define the steak? I mean just because we live n a world where it does, does that mean I should just adjust and therefore perpetuate the superficial appreciation of things? Or do I take the opportunity to try to make positive changes. And make people think more about what is on the inside and the fact that it is indeed more important than the way it looks. It is difficult to say.
All that being said, I have to reach down into my piggy bank and start replacing and repairing the things that I have become so good at breaking and try to figure out how to be ok with that. Also, I need to learn how to be more responsible with my things, even thought I usually am- really I just have to make the one little slip-up less dramatically impactful. Too bad I really live the whole "go big or don't go at all" thing, I just wish it didn't happen with the bad stuff too. #humph. Onward...
So I came to a sad realization today. In the context of a larger story- which I may or may not get into at a later time- I was telling a joke about how I will follow in the footsteps of one fictional Sue Sylvester and marry myself (Sadly this has become a definite possibility with the way things have been going as of late). I went on to find myself actually saying, in an appropriately comedic voice, "...alienating people one at a time so there's no one to even invite to my marriage to myself." Funny, hysterical in fact. Until I stopped and realized that this may actually be true.
I have no plan. No place I want to be. No end destination in sight.
I simply travel from day to day, feeding the needs that need the most immediate attention. There is no prioritization based on future goals because how on earth am I supposed to figure out how to get where I am going when that final destination is barely more than a hope of being something real. I'm lost. After 2 years of "finding myself" I have found... nothing. I have no clue where I am going, where I should be going, or how fast I should be getting there.
I have been focusing on finding the things that make me happy- friends, family, activities, professional and academic endeavors, bettering myself... new things, old things, new friends, and the ones that have been in it through the long haul. And I thought I was getting somewhere, I really did. I thought I was finally shaking off the dark cloud that I had spent the prior four and a half years (or 24 depending how you want to look at it) spinning around myself was looking like a reality rather than the mere dream of normalcy it had been.
I get what I deserve. I push people away, keeping them beyond the walls of false security I've been building in lieu of actual confidence, making sure that the strong facade is enough to keep them out of the unattractively vulnerable interior. I don't deserve better, because I don't want it, not right now anyways, as I cannot see myself doing anything but just making it through the next day.
Is my immediate need gratification getting in the way of achieving the longer term goals, despite not knowing what they are? Am I going to continue to make the funny vision of a guest-less wedding to myself a sad reality?
A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)
So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.
No, not yours... I'm talking to him. The one that loves me even though he shouldn't. So yeah, not you... Not you at all.
Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.
Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.
Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.
Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.
Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.
Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.
Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.
Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.
Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.
Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.
There comes a time when change is necessary. Sometimes it introduces itself nicely: slowly advancing until you come to the realization "maybe, now that I think of it, I could use something new." Other times the need for change comes out of nowhere and attacks you like a ninja and knocks the sense into you so hard that you have no choice but to try something new. Either way, when the time comes you have to have the courage to act.
It's not easy, no matter how good the changes is, there is a part of change that is painful. And that is why we need to do it. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, these and countless other quasi-motivational phrases have become tired with their countless appearances on gym walls and promotional t-shirts everywhere, but they are based in a real-life phenomenon. If we continue to waddle down the road of life, at ease, content with everything around us, then we are going to miss so many exciting things that life is hiding down the side streets and back allies we blow past just because we are too scared to even look down them. We never know what we are capable of doing until we try- we might fail, but "no risk, no reward." (See the trite phrases just keep a-coming, please see past them and see that I have an actual point, thanks.)
Moving on is hard to do because saying hello to something new means saying good bye to what is comfortable. But the time comes for everyone. Have the confidence to believe that the change in front of you, whatever it is, is a good thing and will make you a better person with more well-rounded experience. I am saying good bye to a great thing, one of the greatest things, and biggest parts of my life to date. I am scared. Petrified in fact. But it is something that needs to be done and I am doing it. Hopefully this is the right thing to do, guess I will find out... goodbye old life, time to start over.
Well I am moving: new home, new people, new job... so many new thing on the horizon which means so many new challenges and struggles ahead. But of course this brings the opportunity for so many good things as well. Some say life is what you make it, some say it's how you take it. Some say you need luck, some say you make your own. You know me, and I believe in balance, so of course I am at the intersections of the two schools of thought and am prepared to work but also hoping that I have a little luck on my side. I believe that the good will out-weigh the bad and I cannot wait to celebrate all the good that this will bring.
It's a new year. As most are doing today, I'm sitting here judging myself and my actions from the past year. Some might call it reflecting, reviewing, debriefing... I'm totally judging myself. I mean it's mostly good, but I'm not one to lie and I had my moments that were totally judge-worthy starting with last night, but that's a story for another day. I've been through a lot of ups and downs this year; literally some of the best and worst things that have happened in my life have happened in the last 365 days, and I couldn't be happier about it.
I made and re-made some of the best friendships that have strengthened me as a person and allowed me to truly enjoy life. I've had some of these awesome people that supported me when I most needed it, some that were there fir life's celebrations, and some that challenged me, like flat out called me out, which was painful but so necessary. Part of the existence of this blog (besides capturing the ridiculous series of events that is my life) is to help remind me that no one is perfect and I'm not even close. I have a lot of learning ahead of me and without the occasional push, how am I supposed to get better? So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the wake up call I obviously needed.
I found love this year. I honestly didn't think it was possible with the way things were playing, but it happened. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And it changed my life completely, for the better because it made me realize it could happen and that I could feel something other than empty. One person brought so much feeling back into my life and really kicked my heart into gear. Although the Wizard of Oz said that they would not be practical until they were made unbreakable, I may be just as happy as the Tinman to have mine back. Of course, this brings back the pain along with the joy, but the lessons learned and the feelings rushing back made the whole things one of the best, most enriching experiences of 2011 and my life.
I found some confidence in 2011. I have a long way to go, but there is definitely significantly more self respect this year than there was last time around and it is starting to make it's presence know (spoiler alert, there are big changes being spurred by this new-found trait in the next few weeks). All in all, 2011 brought great things and with how much farther I am today than I was January 1, 2011, 2012 is primed to be the best year ever and I couldn't be any more excited.
The official 2012 resolutions:
Make mistakes. I am giving myself permission to make all the mistakes I want, as long as I learn from them.
Try harder. Life doesn't give you anything for free, so I will be working (even more so) my ass off for it.
Be (truly) honest. With myself and others, sugarcoating life doesn't do any one any good and it just makes everything sticky.
Grow professionally. I need to push myself in my career to make sure I am getting the most from my company and they are getting the most from me; I want to further develop skills and get my name out there for the professional work I know I am capable of producing.
Network better. I want to meet new people, make new relationships, and find ways to further connect the people and things in my life.
Look good, feel better. Yes I am reviving this from 2010. They always say to dress for the job you want rather than the one you have, so I am going to really take care of myself and start dressing all impeccable-like and living with the confidence I should have considering what I have accomplished in life.
Smile always. I am a generally happy person but evidently my outward appearance does not always show it so bust out your shades people because you are gonna be getting all kinds of flashes of these pearly whites. :)
Be real. We all live online, on our phones, on anything that's not really real. And I don't want to have to tell my kids I met their dad (god willing) on Facebook and then have to explain what Facebook is. Wow, I don't want to get old.
Love freely. I don't want to hold back anymore, nor do want to grow to be a spinster, so I am going to join the O'Jays and start a Love Train if you will. No more screwing around (those of you that know me well know what I mean).
Never settle. I owe it to myself to want better for me and, while respecting reality, I will expect more both for myself and from myself.
I'm not perfect. And it's ok. I am going to have my moments where I am a bitch, or a mess, or irresponsible, or immature. I am going to cry, or scream, or embarrass myself. And I forgive myself for that.
Ask for help. I am not going to get through this alone and asking my friends for support is not a bad thing, in fact it is good. My friends, family, support system, are awesome and there is no reason for me to be ashamed for needing an/or asking for that help.
