close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

careful what you wish for, you just may get it

So, I have spent the last year and a half trying to find myself.  Not an easy process.  Not for me, not for anyone.  Would it have been easier if i chose to go through this in my "coming of age" years rather than the time where I am supposed to be making a living and all that?  Probably... but that's neither here nor there.  The point is I am doing it, better late than never as they say.  And I have been fortunate to have a lot of support through the process.  Lots of people understanding and hoping the best is yet to come.

The only problem is, I have kind have started to be me.  How is that a problem? You may ask, most would think this is a great thing.  Well now that I am actually being me, people seem to be not so ok with it.  It is almost as if people have grown accustomed to me shifting into whatever mode works best for them at the time, and now that I choose to be me, regardless of how the other entity would prefer me to handle the situation, it is not always well-received by said entity.  I realize that this is something that everyone deals with everyday, but it is new to me because being me is new to me.  

I get frustrated.  Because all this support to grow into myself and become a person independent of all others and now that I have FINALLY done that, I am getting push back on having not done it the right way.  You know what people, I am being me.  Not what YOU want me to be, or what you THINK I should be, just me... so kindly BACK OFF!  I am sorry that I am not pretending to be happy all the time, and that I am not going to pretend that I want something I don't so that someone else can feel good.  Pretty much I am sorry for not pretending anymore.  You asked for it, and you got it.   I am becoming me, whether you like it or not.

i've got a new attitude

So Friday was a bad day.  Can't give you on reason why exactly this was the case, but that is not the point here... quite the opposite actually.  My lesson of this weekend is that being positive attracts more positivity.  So rather than thinking about what may or may not be bad, we focus on what is good.  Shifting your focus to what is good in life, in turn, allows more of the good things in life to be center-stage.  It is easy to get sucked into a black hole in life.  The "when it rains it pours" mentality might be true, but it is only enhanced by our tendency to bring ourselves down but focusing on the negative.  I have spent way to much time being a negative nelly lately and this weekend and its roller coaster-esque nature seemed to be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it.

Yes, the story from how I went from a sobbing mess in a robe and a shower cap clutching a bottle of white wine (yes it was JUST as pathetic as it sounds, acually porbably more pathetic than it sounds) on Friday night to an arguably over-positive attitude today required QUITE the transformation- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it happened, oh boy did it ever happen.  Thankfully I am very fortunate to have people in my life that can kick me into gear when I least want them to, but most need it.  I had friends that literally picked me up when I was down, made me clean up my act (which did not turn out so badly if I don't say so myself...) and forced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me past this crazy state I was in.  Positive- I learn I can push past life adversities.  Then my friends, my new attitude, and myself hit the town!  Positive- confidence building experience, here we come.

Now we've had two negatives and no positives.  It's coming, a negative, we knew it was bound to happen- I mean between my unfortunate wine induced state earlier in the evening and my obsession with cafe petron I may or may not have made some...um...not completely thought out decisions later that night.  Negative- shit happens, BUT positive- just because you make a mistake, doesn't make you a bad person and I am a little bit smarter about certain life situations (turning a negative into a positive, see what I did there).  Cue awesome friends.  If your friends aren't dolling you up and taking you out to get you out of a funk, then they are getting in sweats, staying in and doing dinner and a movie complete with boy talk, too much dessert, and tissues if necessary.  Positive- friends are everything in life and I have so many phenomenal ones to keep me centered.

And the positives keep coming with fun snacks, making great connections with even greater people (highlight), deepening friendships, and taking time to explore interests and the more I focused on the great things that are in my life, the happier I became and the harder it was for the things that are not going well for me right now to bring me down.  I even got bad news today and took the extra minute to find the silver lining.  Something that would have flat out knocked me out for a solid day was takencare of with just a little ice cream and raviolis instead of a salad for dinner.

So after a weekend of craziness leading to one solid day of positive thinking I was able to see myself reacting better to negative situations- progressing and learning from them rather than stewing and letting them bring me down.  Maybe there is something to this whole positive thinking thing.  I am going to take this as far as it will take me.  Even the 2 am infomercials give you 30 days, and this process has proved itself after just 1, I'm sold.  Hot negativity make way- I've got a new attitude.

but is it really greener?

So this whole life thing... not so easy if you haven't noticed. If you have- you aren't alone. I don't have stats but I know that there are bunches of other people that find themselves cursing before their head even leaves the pillow in the morning (if they are fortunate enought to have one that is).  If you haven't- prepare yourself. This isn't play time. I wish it was because back in the day, play time rocked, and better yet, it was followed wth nap time. We had no idea how good we had it. We never do.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Not to say that I disagree, but I disagree. It's not that it is greener on the other side, it's more that we just dont know how green it is where we are. We learn to take our side's greenery for granted. Thinking "yeah, it's green- alwyas has been always will be."  And we stop providing it the support it needs to grow into its glorious green self. Then we see what others have worked hard at maintaining over the fense and we want that. 


We do what it takes to get it (arguably more often than not that calls for more hard work than just tending to our grass, but anyways). We get it- we finally get that elusive greener grass. And there again begins the cycle. We take out new (supposedly bigger, better, greener) green for what it is- bigger, better, and greener. Then we sit an watch as what we once had grows back to its former glory and start to want it, even more because we know we had it once before.  


The point here is that we need to take the time to step back, realize what we have, and appreciate it for how beautiful it is in and of itself rather than in comparison to everything around it.  We always have it better than we think we do, it's just a matter of realizing it.

independence day

Yes, I am looking forward to summer this much, but that is not the purpose of the title.  We spend our entire childhood wanting to grow up and be on our own and do everything for ourselves.  I remember feeling trapped by my surroundings, simply waiting for the day when I could be totally independent; making decisions for myself rather than having the choice dictated by my circumstances promised to be wonderfully liberating.  Then I woke up in the real world being all independent and whatnot, and you know what?  It's not all I planned it to be.  Yes parents- you were right, happy?

When we are really young- our caretakers make all our decisions for us.  We start going to school and we take the classes we are told and do the activities our parents think are best.  Then, in high school, we are given more options with class selection and activity- but more often that not that is just an expansion of following what we had been told to do by our investing ourselves more in them.  And really we make the decisions based on more technical things like what will get us into the college of our choosing for example.  Then we get to college - ULTIMATE FREEDOM... but then again not really.  While this is the first time really out of the nest as they say- we still have a slew of things and people to direct us: graduation requirements, resume building, and the desire to land our dream job guide our more academic/career decisions while counselors, professors, and advisors help us with life's difficulties.  

The life happens.  And although the rug isn't pulled out from underneath us per se, the safety nets that have been forever getting further and further away seem to have vanished completely.  There is little other than ourselves that guide our decision making.  And while it feels good while everything is coming up roses, our first encounter with a weed makes us realize how much easier we had it when someone had laid out our outfit for us the night before.  We know we are capable of taking in the facts, processing the information and our feelings around it, and making the right decision.  But it's scary.

Fortunately, we still have people there to help- friends, family, mentors, the internet, the crazy cat lady down the street (hey, don't judge, when you are trying to make a tough decision you will seek advice from and a conversation with anyone); so many people are willing to provide their insights and give advice.  But that's all it is- advice.  Yeah, sure, it's from people who have been there and done that, but their situation and emotions make it such that they will never be able to give you an empirical right answer to what you are facing.  It's the blessing and curse about life- we all go through similar experiences, but just like fireworks, no two are alike.  

We have to remember that we are smart people, we learn for our experiences, and we have people that want to support us through life offering up their knowledge for our benefit.  Take a deep breath, take everything in and know that at the end of the day, you got your wish for independence; time to make your decisions your own and then to own your decisions.