sometimes life just sucks

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days-  the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

moving on

There comes a time when change is necessary. Sometimes it introduces itself nicely: slowly advancing until you come to the realization "maybe, now that I think of it, I could use something new." Other times the need for change comes out of nowhere and attacks you like a ninja and knocks the sense into you so hard that you have no choice but to try something new. Either way, when the time comes you have to have the courage to act.

It's not easy, no matter how good the changes is, there is a part of change that is painful. And that is why we need to do it. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, these and countless other quasi-motivational phrases have become tired with their countless appearances on gym walls and promotional t-shirts everywhere, but they are based in a real-life phenomenon. If we continue to waddle down the road of life, at ease, content with everything around us, then we are going to miss so many exciting things that life is hiding down the side streets and back allies we blow past just because we are too scared to even look down them. We never know what we are capable of doing until we try- we might fail, but "no risk, no reward." (See the trite phrases just keep a-coming, please see past them and see that I have an actual point, thanks.)

Moving on is hard to do because saying hello to something new means saying good bye to what is comfortable. But the time comes for everyone. Have the confidence to believe that the change in front of you, whatever it is, is a good thing and will make you a better person with more well-rounded experience. I am saying good bye to a great thing, one of the greatest things, and biggest parts of my life to date. I am scared. Petrified in fact. But it is something that needs to be done and I am doing it. Hopefully this is the right thing to do, guess I will find out... goodbye old life, time to start over.

Well I am moving: new home, new people, new job... so many new thing on the horizon which means so many new challenges and struggles ahead. But of course this brings the opportunity for so many good things as well. Some say life is what you make it, some say it's how you take it. Some say you need luck, some say you make your own. You know me, and I believe in balance, so of course I am at the intersections of the two schools of thought and am prepared to work but also hoping that I have a little luck on my side. I believe that the good will out-weigh the bad and I cannot wait to celebrate all the good that this will bring.

careful what you wish for, you just may get it

So, I have spent the last year and a half trying to find myself.  Not an easy process.  Not for me, not for anyone.  Would it have been easier if i chose to go through this in my "coming of age" years rather than the time where I am supposed to be making a living and all that?  Probably... but that's neither here nor there.  The point is I am doing it, better late than never as they say.  And I have been fortunate to have a lot of support through the process.  Lots of people understanding and hoping the best is yet to come.

The only problem is, I have kind have started to be me.  How is that a problem? You may ask, most would think this is a great thing.  Well now that I am actually being me, people seem to be not so ok with it.  It is almost as if people have grown accustomed to me shifting into whatever mode works best for them at the time, and now that I choose to be me, regardless of how the other entity would prefer me to handle the situation, it is not always well-received by said entity.  I realize that this is something that everyone deals with everyday, but it is new to me because being me is new to me.  

I get frustrated.  Because all this support to grow into myself and become a person independent of all others and now that I have FINALLY done that, I am getting push back on having not done it the right way.  You know what people, I am being me.  Not what YOU want me to be, or what you THINK I should be, just me... so kindly BACK OFF!  I am sorry that I am not pretending to be happy all the time, and that I am not going to pretend that I want something I don't so that someone else can feel good.  Pretty much I am sorry for not pretending anymore.  You asked for it, and you got it.   I am becoming me, whether you like it or not.

you can't always get what you want

Sometimes you don't know what it is that you want.  When you are young and the world is your oyster, the world presents so many opportunities.  When you play, you let your imagination run free.  One day your stuffed animals are jurors in a courtroom as you recite lines overheard on TV law shows, the next they are guests at your table as you create then some inedible meal of Play-Doh spaghetti, and the day after that you are rescuing them from a burning building.  You can literally be anything you want to be, anything.  You don't have to be good at it, its not real.  You aren't going to lose sleep over convicting an innocent bear, giving food poisoning to a bunny, or not being able to save the turtle.  In fact, you are spending so much time focusing on the fun, that you don't even realize there would be consequences.

Kids play "doctor", not "navigating malpractice insurance" for a reason.

As we get older, we start narrowing down our hobbies; find the things that we are most passionate about and focus our time and energy there.  Sure we still play a few sports in high school, we take a variety of classes, participate in a number of clubs- but you have your favorite.  Then in college the field gets even further narrowed down.  Things start becoming more real, consequences become more evident and a need for more focus is determined and we, as smart human beings, do our best to make that commitment and accomplish more in that particular field.  Somewhere along the lines, most people make this decision about what it is they are going to do, for real.

For some, the lucky few, it comes more naturally- their passion and talent align.  They simply focus on what they are best at, and add a little extra effort to make it work for them.  For others it's a little trickier, but still do-able- their passion is great, but the natural ability to support it is not.  They have to work hard, put in a real effort to be able to turn their passion into their livelihood, but with enough passion, a little guidance and education will get you there no problem.  But there is another option here and this is where I find myself.  At a place where the passion and talent are indeterminable.

How can I make progress when I do not know where it is that I want to progress to?  I know I want certain things in life, but I am still searching for that driving force.  Maybe there is a powerful skill I have yet to discover that will help me out.  Or maybe I will develop a passion for something so deep that I will have no choice but to devote future endeavors to it.  But until then, I stand at a crossroads, so desperately wanting to move forward, but with so many directions to choose from I feel so stuck here.  I need to want to go my own way.

You can't always get what you want.  Because sometimes you don't know what exactly that is...