blahh

What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

sometimes life just sucks

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days-  the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

thank you for being a parrot

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

• one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
• one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
• an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say. 

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble. 

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

is it over yet?

So I went ziplining over the weekend.  Super fun.  You should really try it if you haven't.  It's incredible.  And it's not just an incredible experience in and of itself, but it is also incredible how much the experience reflects the way I feel about life right now.  It's exciting, there is so much opportunity, so much to experience... if you can just get past that first leap and all the hype surrounding it.  For the rest of the post feel free to exchange "ziplining" for "life."

Ziplining was so exciting in theory, I loved talking about it, the idea was thrilling, and I was going to go enjoy this great time with a great group of people; what is an experience really if it is not enjoyed amongst friends?  But actually doing it was more scary than exciting.  You take all the appropriate safety measures, strap in, follow the advice of experts, but there is still no sure fire way of making sure you are going to get through it in once piece.  You literally have to stare down the mountain, watching the thin lines that are supposedly getting you across disappear to a spec on the other side.  You can see where you are going, know the way to get there, but you never know if you are going to make it.

Your scared, your unsure, but with the support of friends you close your eyes and jump of the edge.  And if you're like me, you keep your eyes closed and don't even have enough breath to scream because you haven't been breathing.  So worried about the outcome, you are barely enjoying the journey.  But you get there, you might need to ne straddled by a man- who will at least make you dinner later that night (turns out we were in such a small town that the zipline tour guide was also the chef at the restaurant we went to later that night)- and rescued the last little bit.  But you will get there.

So with my feet firmly planted on the ground, I had a whole new respect for the journey I had just gone on, and a little more confidence in it.  So round 2, I was able to jump on my very own.  By round 3, I was breathing.  And by round 4, I was smiling.  And finally by the last round I was enjoying it.  The only problem was, by the time i started actually having fun, it was almost over.  And although I can go ziplining again, and know how to enjoy it from the beginning, I do not have the same leisure with life.  If I wait until I am sure I am going to be ok to start enjoying life, I am going to be waiting forever.  And who wants to look back and say that they lived in fear and never truly got to enjoy it.

It is time to stop asking if it is over yet and start enjoying this journey for what it is.  Life is more than just hoping you get to your next destination; we have to get there, and we are going to, so why not enjoy what we can along the way?  Unlike ziplining, we can't do life again so just breathe, enjoy it for what it is, and always appreciated your feet being on solid ground.

small victories

We all know there are many phases of life, and the ebb and flow of life leads to some of these phases being better than others. The good times are great, maybe it was your glory days of high school, your animal house in college, maybe it's being married to the love of your life and starting a family- doesn't much matter what it actually is that makes you the happiest, it's more about how everything seems to fall neatly and effortlessly into place. However, as my high school physics teacher once said, "the mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear" (sure he could have said "what goes up must come down," but Mr. Miller was always kind of a show-off). And this, my friends, is NOT just Newton's third law of motion, it's a pretty accurate statement on life. For every high point where everything is coming up roses, there is that time where you can't catch a break to save your soul. And for whatever reason, these lows always seem more relentless and inescapable than the highs.

When times are good, it's easy to keep them that way because there are (seemingly) more good things on which to focus. And the bad times make you feel like you are in a bottomless pit because everywhere you look something else is going wrong to bring your mood down. So I guess what it comes down to is what it is that you are focusing on- you may not be able to change what surrounds you, but you always have a chance to change your attitude when you look for what is scarce.

You can have the best life that there is to have- perfect job, house, car, significant other, friends, family, and so on... but still only see the little thing that is not as perfect as it could be, and then that one little thing can keep you from enjoying all the rest that life had to offer. And conversely, when everything seems to be going wrong, all it takes is one little thing, one small victory to help your mind lead the rest of you into a better state. Maybe it's that one show you like, that phone call with a friend you haven't heard from in a while, that email from a certain someone that makes you smile, the fact that in trying to save some money you gave yourself a manicure and it came out pretty darn good- the point is, when everything is going wrong, there is still something, some LITTLE thing that went right.

They say it's all about mentality, and I am all about the "mind over matter" thing, recently my mind has been down and my matter has been even down-er (yes I know it's grammatically incorrect but it works for dramatic effect people, work with me here) and I need to make a bigger effort to notice the little things and celebrate life's small victories. That is if I can figure out how....

happiness is as happiness does

So a very wise woman pointed out that there has been no updates here in a while.  I say very wise for many reasons, but mainly because she is right in making this observation.  I didn't even realize it until she reminded me that it had been some time before she read something new here.  For that I apologize.  But I hope to make up for it with some riveting content, or at least a fun story or two ;)


She told me: "I havent seen any blog posts since your smile has been here."  And that got me thinking- why must we all only complain?  I mean, I don't want to undermine myself in all of this, however, most of the things that I chose to babble about here are things that really bum me out or piss me off or put me in a generally unpleasant disposition and I vent and try to talk myself into seeing it in a more positive light.  Whether I think I can learn something from a bad situation or keep someone else from making the same mistake, I manage to convince myself that some good can come of it.  But the point here is that the good is a forced result of the bad.  I never just talk about how good things are- and honestly, not many people do.


We always see the bad stuff in life and we complain about it loud and (almost) proud.  We get together for the sole purpose of complaining.  Hell, we have some relationships that are based on nothing more than doing so.  It's sad to say, but think about it- are there, or are there not people that you would not talk to if you did not complain to/with them?  And what's sadder is that regardless of it's impact on the situation, we still do it.


But the truth is, there are many good things in life.  We all have at least one thing every day that is genuinely good.  That's it, just good.  And I am just a little upset to think about the fact that I have used this primarily as an outlet for negative thoughts and feelings and will make it a point to talk about the good things too.  


And that, friends, was my way of saying I am happy.  Life is good.  I am realizing that there are more things that make me feel fulfilled and fewer moments where emptiness runs my life.  The positive side of me is coming back, it's a good thing.  Time to embrace this whole good, happy thing.  About freaking time.

haves and have nots

So I may have made a major life decision tonight; rather than wishing I grew up in the 80's as opposed to being born in them, I might just wish I grew up in the 60's.  I went to see Hair with my mother, 2 aunts, and my grandmother.  Really not as awkward as you would think considering the night consisted of 3 hours of sex acts, acid trips, and a full-fontal of the entire cast.  As great as the theater experience was (highly recommended), the message it offered was even greater.

Obviously it was the typical message you think of when you think of the 60's- "hell no we wont go," "make love not war," "peace & love."  And obviously this is right up my ally seeing as I own a shirt that says "make love not war."  Now that I think about it is in neon 80's colors, hmmm... there's an interesting coincidence, but we'll leave that for later.  So even though there are so many places I could go with this type of idealistic viewpoint being thrust (and I literally mean thrust) upon me, what stood out the most is something even more basic.  There is one point in the story where one of the main characters is asked the series of questions all us young adults dread: "What are you doing with your life?" "When are you going to grow up and make the responsible choices?" "What do you have?"

The character's response was a song (it's a musical, duhh!) with a canorous list of body parts.  He literally listed everything from eyes and ears to arms and hands to legs and toes; then, more importantly, moved on to highlight that he has his mind, heart, and soul.  Pretty basic stuff.  Was is the answer to the question?  Yeah.  Was it a total wise-ass response?  Of course, he was a hippie people- fight the man and keep up won't you!  Was it a GREAT response? Hell yeah- in so many ways.

So what if it wasn't much than he was born with?  That's what really matters in life, these are the basic things that make us who we are- the things that no one can take away from us or discredit us for in any way.  Not only is his highlighting the basics as important a powerful sentiment, the mindset that drives this enhances it as well; he is focusing on what he has, not dwelling on what he doesn't.

As a culture we get so caught up in what we don't have; we get concerned that others have more than we do, are doing better than we are.  We get lost in the "if only's" and forget what really matters and all we really do have.  We have so much, there are always so many things that are going right in our lives.  But somehow one negative outweighs 2, 3, 4, or even more positives.   This is not a way to lead a happy life and so we need to be reminded of these things.  This is what the purpose of art (as idealistic as it is) is- to remind us not to get bogged down with the unfortunate realities and reinvigorate our sense hope.  We need something to motivate us to get up everyday- positivity and idealism work for me. 

head vs. heart

Why is it always an epic battle?  Being a well studied girl, I know that your brain is a well oiled machine, as you have literally spent the entirety of your life training it and testing it to make sure that it is ready to get you through difficult choices when they come up in life.  You get confident in your ability to think rationally and make decisions based on facts, backed up by previous experiences.  It's great, you're ready to go.


And then it happens- decision time.  Life throws some crazy thing at you and you have to make a decision.  Ok brain, your turn to shine- hit me with the right decision based on reason, logic, and facts!


And it does (it always does).  But for some reason, your heart decides it wants to chime in- and it wants to be heard.  Seemingly out of nowhere, your heart starts making decisions based on wishes and dreams and rainbows and butterfies or some other nonsense.  Your brain knows this is a terrible, terrible idea, but even though your heart was not trained properly for these types of decisions- it's a hell of a lot louder than your brain; it wins.


You get hurt (shocker).


Your brain never lets you or your heart forget that it's wrong.  And your heart vows to surrender all decision making efforts to the brain from this day forward because it doesn't want to hurt like this again.  You eat your pint of ice cream and/or entire tube of cookie dough, shed some tears, and move on- a stronger, wiser person you become.  Then comes decision time again.  Your brain delivers, your heart yells, your heart wins and the pain ensues.  


Does it hurt?  Yup, most of the time.  Do we learn?  Yeah... well, eventually.  Is it the best way to go through life?  Yes, because if we let our brain win all the time then we risk losing out on the time our heart is actually right; that time where the pleasure makes you forget you ever knew what pain was.  


The heart is very useful- impractical as the wizard says, but even a man made of the coldest metal wants to feel.  In the epic battle of head vs. heart- the head should be consulted, but the heart wins.

all in good time

I hate that saying.  Maybe it's because I'm impatient, or maybe it's because it is just something people say to postpone dealing with the present, even if that's inevitable.  I guess it could be any reason, but the point is that the phrase, "all in good time," makes me want to punch things.  Almost as much as "everything happens for a reason," but it is all along the same sentiment, which is one that both irks me and makes me think.  

It drives me nuts because it takes away control, and it is natural to want to have control over your own life.  But at the same time it makes me feel less responsible for whatever bad thing just happened to me- and let's face it, this only comes up when bad things happen.  It's just such a contradiction; whenever you have someone telling you "everything will happen when it is supposed to," there is always someone else telling you "go out there and make your own opportunities."  So which is it?

Well for me it's both; depending on the day, I like either of those theories better than the other because I- like any other human being- will choose to believe one over the other as long as it makes me feel better at the time.  But I guess really the best solution is an awkward combination of the two.  

Part of life is dealing with what it throws at you.  They're not all gonna be softballs, I'll tell you that much.  But the other part is dealing with how you handle it.  You can't play the blame game and expect to win in any way, shape, or form.  Things are going to get you down, things are going to bring you up, but the way that you react to it is what really makes it as good or as bad as it is going to be.

So I guess it is time for me to get a firm grasp on my attitude and start making the most out of what life has to throw at me.  Although if life wanted to throw a couple more softballs, I wouldn't hate it.  I mean who doesn't want to knock one out of the park every once in a while?  Until then it's time to focus on the positive, expand upon it, and turn your lemons into lemonade... or lemon cream pie... or lemon drop martinis- hell, open an entire lemon themed restaurant.  Whatever you do, strike your balance between fate and making your own future so you can be a peace with yourself and find happiness.