growing up

Forget about breaking up, growing up is what is hard to do. When you are a 20-something, you're too young to be old but too old to be young. Your years of thinking you knew it all are but a distant memory yet, you know the years of actually knowing anything are still way, way, WAY off in the distance. You've made enough mistakes to have some clarity, but the vision is still hazy enough to have no clue what obstacles are still out there - even though you know there are way more of those than there are patches of clear sky ahead of you.  It's daunting - the only thing you are sure of is that you are not sure of anything.

It seems you can't do anything right. In fact, do you even know what right is?

You want to do what is right for you but with the changing times, there are so many options for what that right thing could be it is hard to judge whether you are actually on the right track. The days of being able to compare yourself to your peers to ensure progress went by the wayside with dowries. It can no longer be assumed that men will follow in the pre-destined footsteps of their father in the family trade nor should women to simply expect to be wed and preparing a nursery within a few years of graduating from high school.

We've obviously come a long way from that, but all these possible options presents an opportunity that is equally as terrifying as it is liberating. With so many options it is comforting knowing that there is likely going to be one that works for you but hard to figure out which is the best. And even harder to determine how to define success when everyone's success is now so customized rather than the one-size-fits-all success of generations past.

Being in between is difficult, but I guess this is why we focus in on the fact that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We might have no clue how to define success or identify when we have achieved it, but we do have the opportunity to experience life with every attempt at getting it right. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will look back on this time in our lives and be thankful that it played out the way it did because being clueless and in your mid-20s was really living.

thank you for being a parrot

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

• one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
• one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
• an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say. 

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble. 

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

careful what you wish for, you just may get it

So, I have spent the last year and a half trying to find myself.  Not an easy process.  Not for me, not for anyone.  Would it have been easier if i chose to go through this in my "coming of age" years rather than the time where I am supposed to be making a living and all that?  Probably... but that's neither here nor there.  The point is I am doing it, better late than never as they say.  And I have been fortunate to have a lot of support through the process.  Lots of people understanding and hoping the best is yet to come.

The only problem is, I have kind have started to be me.  How is that a problem? You may ask, most would think this is a great thing.  Well now that I am actually being me, people seem to be not so ok with it.  It is almost as if people have grown accustomed to me shifting into whatever mode works best for them at the time, and now that I choose to be me, regardless of how the other entity would prefer me to handle the situation, it is not always well-received by said entity.  I realize that this is something that everyone deals with everyday, but it is new to me because being me is new to me.  

I get frustrated.  Because all this support to grow into myself and become a person independent of all others and now that I have FINALLY done that, I am getting push back on having not done it the right way.  You know what people, I am being me.  Not what YOU want me to be, or what you THINK I should be, just me... so kindly BACK OFF!  I am sorry that I am not pretending to be happy all the time, and that I am not going to pretend that I want something I don't so that someone else can feel good.  Pretty much I am sorry for not pretending anymore.  You asked for it, and you got it.   I am becoming me, whether you like it or not.