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What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

oh the things you can think

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.

close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

is it over yet?

So I went ziplining over the weekend.  Super fun.  You should really try it if you haven't.  It's incredible.  And it's not just an incredible experience in and of itself, but it is also incredible how much the experience reflects the way I feel about life right now.  It's exciting, there is so much opportunity, so much to experience... if you can just get past that first leap and all the hype surrounding it.  For the rest of the post feel free to exchange "ziplining" for "life."

Ziplining was so exciting in theory, I loved talking about it, the idea was thrilling, and I was going to go enjoy this great time with a great group of people; what is an experience really if it is not enjoyed amongst friends?  But actually doing it was more scary than exciting.  You take all the appropriate safety measures, strap in, follow the advice of experts, but there is still no sure fire way of making sure you are going to get through it in once piece.  You literally have to stare down the mountain, watching the thin lines that are supposedly getting you across disappear to a spec on the other side.  You can see where you are going, know the way to get there, but you never know if you are going to make it.

Your scared, your unsure, but with the support of friends you close your eyes and jump of the edge.  And if you're like me, you keep your eyes closed and don't even have enough breath to scream because you haven't been breathing.  So worried about the outcome, you are barely enjoying the journey.  But you get there, you might need to ne straddled by a man- who will at least make you dinner later that night (turns out we were in such a small town that the zipline tour guide was also the chef at the restaurant we went to later that night)- and rescued the last little bit.  But you will get there.

So with my feet firmly planted on the ground, I had a whole new respect for the journey I had just gone on, and a little more confidence in it.  So round 2, I was able to jump on my very own.  By round 3, I was breathing.  And by round 4, I was smiling.  And finally by the last round I was enjoying it.  The only problem was, by the time i started actually having fun, it was almost over.  And although I can go ziplining again, and know how to enjoy it from the beginning, I do not have the same leisure with life.  If I wait until I am sure I am going to be ok to start enjoying life, I am going to be waiting forever.  And who wants to look back and say that they lived in fear and never truly got to enjoy it.

It is time to stop asking if it is over yet and start enjoying this journey for what it is.  Life is more than just hoping you get to your next destination; we have to get there, and we are going to, so why not enjoy what we can along the way?  Unlike ziplining, we can't do life again so just breathe, enjoy it for what it is, and always appreciated your feet being on solid ground.

i've got a new attitude

So Friday was a bad day.  Can't give you on reason why exactly this was the case, but that is not the point here... quite the opposite actually.  My lesson of this weekend is that being positive attracts more positivity.  So rather than thinking about what may or may not be bad, we focus on what is good.  Shifting your focus to what is good in life, in turn, allows more of the good things in life to be center-stage.  It is easy to get sucked into a black hole in life.  The "when it rains it pours" mentality might be true, but it is only enhanced by our tendency to bring ourselves down but focusing on the negative.  I have spent way to much time being a negative nelly lately and this weekend and its roller coaster-esque nature seemed to be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it.

Yes, the story from how I went from a sobbing mess in a robe and a shower cap clutching a bottle of white wine (yes it was JUST as pathetic as it sounds, acually porbably more pathetic than it sounds) on Friday night to an arguably over-positive attitude today required QUITE the transformation- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it happened, oh boy did it ever happen.  Thankfully I am very fortunate to have people in my life that can kick me into gear when I least want them to, but most need it.  I had friends that literally picked me up when I was down, made me clean up my act (which did not turn out so badly if I don't say so myself...) and forced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me past this crazy state I was in.  Positive- I learn I can push past life adversities.  Then my friends, my new attitude, and myself hit the town!  Positive- confidence building experience, here we come.

Now we've had two negatives and no positives.  It's coming, a negative, we knew it was bound to happen- I mean between my unfortunate wine induced state earlier in the evening and my obsession with cafe petron I may or may not have made some...um...not completely thought out decisions later that night.  Negative- shit happens, BUT positive- just because you make a mistake, doesn't make you a bad person and I am a little bit smarter about certain life situations (turning a negative into a positive, see what I did there).  Cue awesome friends.  If your friends aren't dolling you up and taking you out to get you out of a funk, then they are getting in sweats, staying in and doing dinner and a movie complete with boy talk, too much dessert, and tissues if necessary.  Positive- friends are everything in life and I have so many phenomenal ones to keep me centered.

And the positives keep coming with fun snacks, making great connections with even greater people (highlight), deepening friendships, and taking time to explore interests and the more I focused on the great things that are in my life, the happier I became and the harder it was for the things that are not going well for me right now to bring me down.  I even got bad news today and took the extra minute to find the silver lining.  Something that would have flat out knocked me out for a solid day was takencare of with just a little ice cream and raviolis instead of a salad for dinner.

So after a weekend of craziness leading to one solid day of positive thinking I was able to see myself reacting better to negative situations- progressing and learning from them rather than stewing and letting them bring me down.  Maybe there is something to this whole positive thinking thing.  I am going to take this as far as it will take me.  Even the 2 am infomercials give you 30 days, and this process has proved itself after just 1, I'm sold.  Hot negativity make way- I've got a new attitude.

when it rains...

So it's a rainy Thursday.  Not loving it, but it is indeed pretty representative of how I feel at the present time.  I'm feeling a bit under the whether and THAT I am pretty sure is related to not just the inevitable change of the seasons, but stress from every direction.  We all know fall is a time for change, but considering my life has been in a state of constant flux throughout summer, I was hoping fall would break suit this year and be a time of stability.

NOPE.

The change keeps coming, and there is not a spec of stability in sight.  My "the glass is half full"-ers might say that this is a great opportunity; a time for me to spread my wings, take chances, make mistakes, take full advantage of the fact that I have no ties, nothing holding me back.  Conversely, those in "the glass is half empty" camp are thinking more along the lines of how difficult it is to operate under these conditions; no stability means a real lack of confidence, feeling unsure about the future makes it even harder to operate in the present.  And my favorite group is sitting right here with me saying "I don't care if it's half full or half empty, as long as there's tequila in it."

Life is not easy, and it's true, when it rains, it does indeed pour.  Life throws its challenges at us when we are least prepared for a reason.  Just like the grass and flowers that need the rain to grow, we need these challenges to push us to (and sometimes just a little past) our breaking point to allow us to grow.  We may not like it when it is all coming down on us, but when we can bloom in the sunlight that follows the storm, we appreciate that rain and all it did for it.

So I'm trying to keep my chin up throughout all these little things that dramatically add up in these times of strife, and quite frankly am a little bitter in the process.  It's hard, and it's ok, and I am going to let myself be a little bummed for the time being because I'm not going to lie, I would really, REALLY appreciate a sight of that rainbow as the storm clears.  Just as the rainbow indicated the perfect balance of rain and sun, I need that sign of hope indicating a future with the right balance of stability and change.  Then maybe, just maybe I can have my life back.

gone but not forgotten

You're going along in your day, just going along all "la-dee-dah" and whatnot and then something comes and drags you down out of nowhere.  Maybe it's a song (most times it is a song for me), maybe it's a picture, maybe a smell, and maybe it's nothing at all.  You know when it happens because all of a sudden, you can't breathe- it hits you that hard.


It is easy to let one thing from one aspect of your life, in your day even, seep into the rest of it.  We are not compartmentalized: work, home life, friends, family, hobbies, interests, weeks, weekends, they all blend together.  And that's a fine concept when were are talking about how multidimensional and full and rich our lives are, but it's terrible when something bad happens and you become a distracted, despondent cranky-pants (yes, that is an official term) all because the aerobics instructor chose to bring remixes of old school love songs (which were awesome btw, just not that ONE song) or your boss nit-picks your presentation.


Everything that happens to us in our lives becomes an intrinsic part of our being.  Whether we recognize it or not, even the smallest happenings affect the outcome- the person who we will become.  Sometimes we don't notice when these things happen, sometimes we forget (and/or block out, whichever).  But just like our friends in high places, these moments come out of nowhere, when we least expect it.  I can't say that we should just prepare for it, because not only should we not, we can't.  All we can do is remember that moment as it was when it decides to come barreling back into our lies and re-evaluate it with our outlook on life through our current lens- much different that when it happened for sure- and appreciate the change that moment made, for better or worse.


The moments pass, but the affects are everlasting; it's what makes this journey just that,  journey.  We travel past people and through events, but they will always be hanging out in our rear-view mirror, making the path forward more clear and ride more interesting.