blahh

What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

sometimes life just sucks

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days-  the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

fools rush in

Yeah it's a stupid saying and an Elvis song.  But it's true, fools do rush in.  They throw themselves at situations with everything that they have, hoping it's going to work.  They know that it's never worked for anyone else before, but it's different, it's not THEM.  They have something no one else before them did and FOR SURE this time, it will work. They ignore all the nay-sayers, all the logic, all the facts that place obstacles before them and they rush harder than even the best defensive lineman.  But what else are they supposed to do?  They don't know any better, thats why they are fools after all.

Or maybe they aren't fools at all, maybe they are quite the opposite- they have seen logic fail, reason come up short, and life become nothing more than an hollow shell with what could be filled with love and happiness.  Maybe these fools have learned the hard way that it doesn't always work out the way that its supposed to, that the puzzle pieces might all be there, but something isn't quite right.  Is it really that persons fault for trying something different?  Can we really call them a fool?

Photo Credit:
http://www.howtogetexback.org/
free-online-reports/how-do-you-mend-a-broken-heart

I've made mistakes when it comes to relationships- I've played it too cool, too hott, too them, too me, too... the point is, it was always too something.  So maybe I am a fool, but at least I can say that I never gave anything less than my all.  I rushed in full force, ready to try to give love to whomever was willing to give love to me.  And maybe it was because I was blinded by the idea of love- so desperate to have that support, that one solid thing in my life that I feel like I have been lacking.  Maybe that stability I could find in a person that loved me the way I not only wanted, but needed to be loved.  And sure, I have not uncovered the secrets to success in  a relationship, I'm not even a little close, like not even in the right galaxy.  But what I have done is learned from these mistakes.  I am getting closer to knowing what is going on, and maybe some day I will have it fully figured out.

Stay tuned.

Until then, I'll share what I have learned:

1. Friends, family, lovers each love you in their own, unique way.
2. That unique way reflects how they need to be loved in return.
3. Each relationship formed happens in that perfect storm of their need, your need, and what can happen in the current situation. 
4. Every relationship- no matter how long or short, how intense or mundane, how amazing or terrible- every one matters and should be treasured for what it provided to you.

I am thankful to have had the fulfilling relationships that I did.  And I am glad I got to learn from the crappy ones (even if i spent far too much time and energy crying over them).  And someday I know that I will have nothing but fulfilling relationships.  But until then, I am just going to keep rushing in.

and i promise you...

...I will learn from my mistakes.  We all make mistakes- it's a natural part of life.  Some are bigger than others, but every little one is the catalyst for growth.  No toddler just takes off running the first time they prop themselves up.  They stumble, they fall, they make mistakes- this is how they learn.  No one gets it right the first time (however if you know anyone who gets it right the first time every time I want them on my non-existent payroll).

So walking, basic motor skill- not easy to master, and I want to talk about trust.  Trust, one of the hardest human emotions to wrangle (feel free to picture a cowboy roping cows branded with different emoticons, as that's what I am doing).  Trust is hard because it falls at the crossroads between the head and the heart; it is the fine balance between intuition and logic, between feeling and ration.  And the worst part is that trust is a balance between what is earned and given.

Trust is so complicated because you have to depend not only on your internal struggle, but also someone else's.  People are complicated creatures, which is a great thing because it makes us interesting and this life worth living, but we all know "interesting" is just a euphemism for "I need to turn a negative into a positive without going as far to actually saying I like it..."  I believe it is true, what they all say... at least now I do:  first that you cannot trust others until you trust yourself and second that those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.

I learned that as far as I have come, I still have much to learn when it comes to completely trusting myself (and admit that it's ok to let myself change my mind if I so need).  Trust truly does have to be mutual- one person cannot trust another that person does not trust them back.  And as much as those who aren't trusted can never earn said trust, if they are unwilling to trust others- take it as a sign, they are most likely not worthy of your trust.

In this life there are so few moments, and even fewer people worthy of sharing them with.  Each moment should each be treasured for what it gives to us and so should each person.  There is not enough time to be spending moments with people that have anything other than your best interest in mind.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past.  I have taken advantage of other people's trust and had others do the same to me.  Lessons learned?  We all make mistakes, we all control how said mistakes form our character, some characters are a lot better than others, and you need to carefully examine the character of those you let in your life- only the top should have the ability to earn your trust.

i've got a new attitude

So Friday was a bad day.  Can't give you on reason why exactly this was the case, but that is not the point here... quite the opposite actually.  My lesson of this weekend is that being positive attracts more positivity.  So rather than thinking about what may or may not be bad, we focus on what is good.  Shifting your focus to what is good in life, in turn, allows more of the good things in life to be center-stage.  It is easy to get sucked into a black hole in life.  The "when it rains it pours" mentality might be true, but it is only enhanced by our tendency to bring ourselves down but focusing on the negative.  I have spent way to much time being a negative nelly lately and this weekend and its roller coaster-esque nature seemed to be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it.

Yes, the story from how I went from a sobbing mess in a robe and a shower cap clutching a bottle of white wine (yes it was JUST as pathetic as it sounds, acually porbably more pathetic than it sounds) on Friday night to an arguably over-positive attitude today required QUITE the transformation- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it happened, oh boy did it ever happen.  Thankfully I am very fortunate to have people in my life that can kick me into gear when I least want them to, but most need it.  I had friends that literally picked me up when I was down, made me clean up my act (which did not turn out so badly if I don't say so myself...) and forced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me past this crazy state I was in.  Positive- I learn I can push past life adversities.  Then my friends, my new attitude, and myself hit the town!  Positive- confidence building experience, here we come.

Now we've had two negatives and no positives.  It's coming, a negative, we knew it was bound to happen- I mean between my unfortunate wine induced state earlier in the evening and my obsession with cafe petron I may or may not have made some...um...not completely thought out decisions later that night.  Negative- shit happens, BUT positive- just because you make a mistake, doesn't make you a bad person and I am a little bit smarter about certain life situations (turning a negative into a positive, see what I did there).  Cue awesome friends.  If your friends aren't dolling you up and taking you out to get you out of a funk, then they are getting in sweats, staying in and doing dinner and a movie complete with boy talk, too much dessert, and tissues if necessary.  Positive- friends are everything in life and I have so many phenomenal ones to keep me centered.

And the positives keep coming with fun snacks, making great connections with even greater people (highlight), deepening friendships, and taking time to explore interests and the more I focused on the great things that are in my life, the happier I became and the harder it was for the things that are not going well for me right now to bring me down.  I even got bad news today and took the extra minute to find the silver lining.  Something that would have flat out knocked me out for a solid day was takencare of with just a little ice cream and raviolis instead of a salad for dinner.

So after a weekend of craziness leading to one solid day of positive thinking I was able to see myself reacting better to negative situations- progressing and learning from them rather than stewing and letting them bring me down.  Maybe there is something to this whole positive thinking thing.  I am going to take this as far as it will take me.  Even the 2 am infomercials give you 30 days, and this process has proved itself after just 1, I'm sold.  Hot negativity make way- I've got a new attitude.

when it rains...

So it's a rainy Thursday.  Not loving it, but it is indeed pretty representative of how I feel at the present time.  I'm feeling a bit under the whether and THAT I am pretty sure is related to not just the inevitable change of the seasons, but stress from every direction.  We all know fall is a time for change, but considering my life has been in a state of constant flux throughout summer, I was hoping fall would break suit this year and be a time of stability.

NOPE.

The change keeps coming, and there is not a spec of stability in sight.  My "the glass is half full"-ers might say that this is a great opportunity; a time for me to spread my wings, take chances, make mistakes, take full advantage of the fact that I have no ties, nothing holding me back.  Conversely, those in "the glass is half empty" camp are thinking more along the lines of how difficult it is to operate under these conditions; no stability means a real lack of confidence, feeling unsure about the future makes it even harder to operate in the present.  And my favorite group is sitting right here with me saying "I don't care if it's half full or half empty, as long as there's tequila in it."

Life is not easy, and it's true, when it rains, it does indeed pour.  Life throws its challenges at us when we are least prepared for a reason.  Just like the grass and flowers that need the rain to grow, we need these challenges to push us to (and sometimes just a little past) our breaking point to allow us to grow.  We may not like it when it is all coming down on us, but when we can bloom in the sunlight that follows the storm, we appreciate that rain and all it did for it.

So I'm trying to keep my chin up throughout all these little things that dramatically add up in these times of strife, and quite frankly am a little bitter in the process.  It's hard, and it's ok, and I am going to let myself be a little bummed for the time being because I'm not going to lie, I would really, REALLY appreciate a sight of that rainbow as the storm clears.  Just as the rainbow indicated the perfect balance of rain and sun, I need that sign of hope indicating a future with the right balance of stability and change.  Then maybe, just maybe I can have my life back.

excuses, excuses- words, words, words

We are all our own worst critic; work, love (or lack thereof) life, relationships, activities, life in general- everything that we do presents an opportunity to succeed or fail, both of which we do.  No one is perfect, no one is THAT unfortunate (yes, that is a sprinkle of the always positive, upbeat me shining through).  But regardless of our actual performance, we always seem to pick out what didn't go as perfectly as it could have.  And no matter how much positive feedback we get, we still manage to shrug off any and all of the positive the situation and focus in on every minute detail of our failure.

We complain, we get mad, we get angry- we do lots of things that are quite unbecoming but somehow help.  We go to the people we trust and ask for their opinions on the situation and we patiently await their response highlighting all the great things that happened and all the wonderful things we did (and maybe they toss something in that recognizes we weren't perfect...maybe).  No sooner do those words of encouragement leave their lips, we are swatting them down with our hot negativity.  We come back with how it doesn't matter what the circumstances were or what else was going on, we should have been better, faster, stronger, and all those other things Kanye is and we aren't.  We are miserable, well I am when this happens to me.  And what's even worse, bad things tend to happen in groups and (since attitude is everything) we tend to make things worse for ourselves.  It seems like we only have one option as far as how to react, but do we?

In situations where things don't necessarily go your way, you can be one of two things- a victim or a player.  When you take role of the victim, you look at all the things that were working against you and make yourself feel like you had no chance with all these things working against you.  When you take the role of the player, you take full responsibility for everything that happened on yourself.  Throughout life, I was groomed to be a player more so than a victim (because society says players are successful and victims are nothing other than lazy).  It was always about owning my actions, and making it happen regardless of the circumstances.  We all know the sayings: "Rule #76, no excuses play like a champion," "excuses are like... a certain body part (yeah that's good enough), everyone has one and they all stink."  We are groomed to own our flaws and not "take the easy way out" by placing the blame on anything other than ourselves.

But is an excuse ever something more?  Are there ever times where there are things that are simply beyond our control and circumstances really do limit our abilities in some way, shape, or form?  Yeah.  As much as we focus on what we did- or didn't- do and try to take responsibility for everything by dissecting our actions and defining all the things we "could have" done differently to foster a more positive outcome, there are, in fact, some things that we cannot control.  Of course we should take the learning experience for what it is and become better individuals for it, but we can't take it all on.

As with most situation in life, it is about balance.  We have to own our actions while also recognizing the circumstances in which those action must take place.  While we should be proactive and responsible, we also have to give ourselves a break every once in a while.  We can be dedicated and motivated and all of that while also recognizing that we aren't the only variable; keep taking the weight of the world on your shoulders, but know that you can't take responsibility for the few pounds it put on.  Sometimes are excuses are more than words (but only sometimes).

the young and the stupid

When I was 16, I knew everything.  When I was 18, I knew I was stupid at 16 but the remainder of my high school career had made me ready for life thereafter.  When I was 21, I knew I was dumb at 18 and even dumber at 16, but now that I had the first few years of college under my belt, NOW I was good- I didn't need anything else.  At 23, I know that I had no idea what I was doing then, nor what I am doing now, and have finally admitted, I very well might never know what I am going to do.  


When you are in the moment (good or bad), nothing else exists.  Everything feels so majorly life changing; no matter how little or big the moment actually is in the scheme of life, in that moment, it is so all-encompassing you can barely breathe.  And when the canned answer is "it will get better with time," or, "it's really not going to make as much of an impact as you think," the world seems against you.  But recently I found myself in the uncomfortable position of realizing I gave one of those trite responses when solicited for advice.  I literally told someone (younger than I was), that it seemed like a big deal now but "in a few years, it won't matter, you'll be able to look back on it and laugh... or at least not cry."  


REALLY?!?!  Those words, came out of MY mouth.  With sincerity?  Wow.  I had officially shocked myself.  Me, Miss Over-Emotional, said (an meant) that.  I mean I do have to admit, even in my "older/wiser" mindset, I still have a firm enough grasp on my "younger/dumber" side to add the caveat of "I know it feels like your world is crashing down around you" before the "it's gonna be ok."


As much as we learn from out own mistakes and experiences, we learn from others.  That is what inspires me about people; I cannot change what happened to me yesterday, but I can change what happens to you tomorrow.  Sorry, the million dollars you wanted won't be on your doorstep.  And, no, you won't be waking up next to a supermodel in the morning, but I can help you look at things from a perspective you might not have otherwise.  And eve that does not necessarily mean life will be better.  But it's hard to say definitively.  I believe that everything we read, do, say, feel, experience impacts us enough to make a difference, even if we don't see it.


There is truth in the fact that you learn something new everyday.  Your education does not stop when your presence in a classroom does.  In fact, once you stop frequenting a classroom is when you actually begin to learn.  I have learned more in the last ten and a half months than I ever have.  I finally stopped worrying about having the right answers and starting concentrating on figuring out ways to get to them; a shift of focus from the end to the means.  I have let the pressure of perfection slip away- it's ok not to know everything.

natural glow

So today, my random musing of the day was how frustrated I was with myself for having let my hands turn orange due to the inappropriate application of tanning moisturizer.  That's as deep as it got.  Then my mind started to wander to whether or not I could compose an entire blog post on my moisturizer mess up.  Stay with me now...


So I took the situation and broke it down into its simplest form, why was I frustrated?  Because I had created an unnecessary problem for myself by choosing to ignore a painfully simply activity that I knew would have a larger positive impact in the future.  I literally made a problem for myself by consciously not taking action that I easily could have.  Yeah, sure, I just have orange hands this time, but how often had I done this in the past in much more serious situations with more serious implications?


Too many.


Procrastination on assignments and studying in school, missed networking in my professional career, not making effort in my personal relationships.  I wouldn't call the list endless, but I wasn't having any trouble finding examples of times where a simple action in the beginning would have made my life worlds better later.  But what really got me?  Is that I kept doing it; why was I not learning my lesson?  Why are my hands orange?


In the moment, we make the best decision we can with the facts and resources available; not always an optimal decision making environment, byt that doesn't change the fact that we need to make the decision.  And we make that decision, we must live with the consequences (don't hate me for using that phrase, I'm already hating myself enough, but- ughh- it's true.). However, we have the benefit of hindsight (it's 20/20 don't you know) and I need to take better advantage of it.  


We might not always make the right decision in the moment, but if we take the time to analyze our decision making based on the results, the ease/difficulty of getting there, the pain/pleasure caused, we learn.  We learn how we operate and how effective we are.  And when we do this, we become more successful in the future.  Insightful, right?  Totally, but remember, I'm still orange.  It takes time, and lots of experiences, and a little reminder that we should be seeking out these learning experiences and being our own teachers.


Bet that's the last time you doubt my ability to make something out of nothing. ;)

head vs. heart

Why is it always an epic battle?  Being a well studied girl, I know that your brain is a well oiled machine, as you have literally spent the entirety of your life training it and testing it to make sure that it is ready to get you through difficult choices when they come up in life.  You get confident in your ability to think rationally and make decisions based on facts, backed up by previous experiences.  It's great, you're ready to go.


And then it happens- decision time.  Life throws some crazy thing at you and you have to make a decision.  Ok brain, your turn to shine- hit me with the right decision based on reason, logic, and facts!


And it does (it always does).  But for some reason, your heart decides it wants to chime in- and it wants to be heard.  Seemingly out of nowhere, your heart starts making decisions based on wishes and dreams and rainbows and butterfies or some other nonsense.  Your brain knows this is a terrible, terrible idea, but even though your heart was not trained properly for these types of decisions- it's a hell of a lot louder than your brain; it wins.


You get hurt (shocker).


Your brain never lets you or your heart forget that it's wrong.  And your heart vows to surrender all decision making efforts to the brain from this day forward because it doesn't want to hurt like this again.  You eat your pint of ice cream and/or entire tube of cookie dough, shed some tears, and move on- a stronger, wiser person you become.  Then comes decision time again.  Your brain delivers, your heart yells, your heart wins and the pain ensues.  


Does it hurt?  Yup, most of the time.  Do we learn?  Yeah... well, eventually.  Is it the best way to go through life?  Yes, because if we let our brain win all the time then we risk losing out on the time our heart is actually right; that time where the pleasure makes you forget you ever knew what pain was.  


The heart is very useful- impractical as the wizard says, but even a man made of the coldest metal wants to feel.  In the epic battle of head vs. heart- the head should be consulted, but the heart wins.

why change?

Ten months and fifteen days.  Feels like a brief moment, but so much has changed and so much has stayed the same.  The real focus though, is I have changed.  I still have a lot of changing to go, but we're worlds away kids, maybe even galaxies, from where we started.


Life blows by so fast: and quite frankly I am sick of letting it sweep me away before I can get to enjoy it. I've realized that I have missed a lot in my life because I was focusing on where I wanted to go and nothing else.  The only reason I was concerned with anything was because I wanted to take the most efficient route to get to where I wanted to go.  And then it happened- my life altering moment.


We all have one- that moment where your life is over.  You know it's happening because you are sitting there, with your head in your hands literally telling yourself over and over, "my life is over.  That was it, my chance, my moment to shine, and I missed it.  My life is over."  Maybe you missed that last shot and didn't lead your team to victory.  Maybe you miscalculated and your fourth quarter figures didn't make up for that dip in Q3.  Maybe you met the love of your life and walked away without so much as even asking her name.  Whatever it was, you know that moment when you realize that your life is over.  


And it is.  What, were you expecting another answer?  Your life is over and you know it.


But, everyone who is of any importance in your life will tell you, "it's just a game," "next year will be your year," "there are other fish in the sea."  And it's all crap.  You know it, they know it, but for some reason we go through the motions and it makes us feel better.  But really, we know our life is over.  But what we forget is that (and of coure I'm going to use a song quote here) "every new beginning is some other beginning's end."  And it's true; just as much as our life is over, it is starting over as well.


When we have that moment, we will never be the same as we were before.  We have the choice of how to start over.  You can choose bitterness, holding onto what happened and letting it define who you are.  You can choose ignorance, walking away pretending that it did not matter as much as you know it did.  Or you can choose growth, learning from that mistake and starting over as a person that would never make the same mistakes as the dumb you of 10 minutes ago would.  The hardest, by far, of the options; but the most rewarding.


I wish that I could attest to the amazing feeling that comes with owning your mistakes, learning from them, and growing into a beter person.  But I can't, not yet anyways.  When I had my moment, I chose to be bitter.  I chose to hate myself, my life and everyone in it. But now, ten months and fifteen days later, I really am starting over.  I had the door slammed in my face that ten and a half months ago, and until now I have been hanging around outside it, occasionally pounding on it trying to getback in.  but I have finally realized that it might just be easier to turn around and open that other much newer, stronger, prettier door that has been behind me this whole time.  Guess I better open it...