sometimes life just sucks

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days-  the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

two freaking years

I almost called this post, "Time Heals All Wounds." But then I realized that was a boldface lie. Well, maybe not, but it is not a statement I feel comfortable saying emphatically (or at all). Time may ease the sting of even the worst burn, it may fade bold colors into nothing more than a faint outline, it may even turn a boulder into the grains of sand that wash upon a beach. But the truth is that time changes, it doesn't erase- that faint memory of what was, even if only a mere shadow of its former self never ceases to exist, it just exists differently.

Source: http://youtu.be/LZ0epRjfGLw

Today I am different. Time has not stopped my existence, rather it has altered the way I exist and I would like to think for the better. I am NOT that same girl that just two years ago dragged herself across a graduation stage already wishing she could undo that walk and what it represented. That girl exists, and its a good thing. Because that girl, as much as the mere idea of her brings pain, she is the shadow of what was, the reminder of what has been and will not be again. Treasured for what she was, but appreciated as only a mere a memory, not an omen.

Today I am different. I have been doing this whole "real life" thing for a full two years now, TWO YEARS. And a lot has happened in that time: I've gone from full time student to full time marketer, from confident senior in the protective bubble of college to the low man on the totem pole of life, from petrified interviewee to petrified interviewer (ok maybe not THAT much has changed...).

Today I am different. This is an interesting day for me- a celebration of a great time in my life (and another great time a year later), but also a painful reminder of the past. It has made this time of year has been a struggle- on top of the fact that it is already the "in between" time. Spring- not warm and clear enough to really be summer nor cold and raw enough to be winter, unpredictable- not crazy enough to call it busy season, but not slow and steady enough to phone it in (like I am even capable of that...). In a word, complicated. In two, overwhelmingly so.

It is a beginning... and an end.... and a beginning.

Take this as an opportunity to appreciate the pleasure and pain brought on by the memories of the past, but remember that those memories are no longer the boulders that once weighed you down and they have become the sand that you can now use to build your castles of the future. Take the extra time to look at what you have already built to get where you are, and what you can build more to the future.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

moving on

There comes a time when change is necessary. Sometimes it introduces itself nicely: slowly advancing until you come to the realization "maybe, now that I think of it, I could use something new." Other times the need for change comes out of nowhere and attacks you like a ninja and knocks the sense into you so hard that you have no choice but to try something new. Either way, when the time comes you have to have the courage to act.

It's not easy, no matter how good the changes is, there is a part of change that is painful. And that is why we need to do it. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, these and countless other quasi-motivational phrases have become tired with their countless appearances on gym walls and promotional t-shirts everywhere, but they are based in a real-life phenomenon. If we continue to waddle down the road of life, at ease, content with everything around us, then we are going to miss so many exciting things that life is hiding down the side streets and back allies we blow past just because we are too scared to even look down them. We never know what we are capable of doing until we try- we might fail, but "no risk, no reward." (See the trite phrases just keep a-coming, please see past them and see that I have an actual point, thanks.)

Moving on is hard to do because saying hello to something new means saying good bye to what is comfortable. But the time comes for everyone. Have the confidence to believe that the change in front of you, whatever it is, is a good thing and will make you a better person with more well-rounded experience. I am saying good bye to a great thing, one of the greatest things, and biggest parts of my life to date. I am scared. Petrified in fact. But it is something that needs to be done and I am doing it. Hopefully this is the right thing to do, guess I will find out... goodbye old life, time to start over.

Well I am moving: new home, new people, new job... so many new thing on the horizon which means so many new challenges and struggles ahead. But of course this brings the opportunity for so many good things as well. Some say life is what you make it, some say it's how you take it. Some say you need luck, some say you make your own. You know me, and I believe in balance, so of course I am at the intersections of the two schools of thought and am prepared to work but also hoping that I have a little luck on my side. I believe that the good will out-weigh the bad and I cannot wait to celebrate all the good that this will bring.

close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

careful what you wish for, you just may get it

So, I have spent the last year and a half trying to find myself.  Not an easy process.  Not for me, not for anyone.  Would it have been easier if i chose to go through this in my "coming of age" years rather than the time where I am supposed to be making a living and all that?  Probably... but that's neither here nor there.  The point is I am doing it, better late than never as they say.  And I have been fortunate to have a lot of support through the process.  Lots of people understanding and hoping the best is yet to come.

The only problem is, I have kind have started to be me.  How is that a problem? You may ask, most would think this is a great thing.  Well now that I am actually being me, people seem to be not so ok with it.  It is almost as if people have grown accustomed to me shifting into whatever mode works best for them at the time, and now that I choose to be me, regardless of how the other entity would prefer me to handle the situation, it is not always well-received by said entity.  I realize that this is something that everyone deals with everyday, but it is new to me because being me is new to me.  

I get frustrated.  Because all this support to grow into myself and become a person independent of all others and now that I have FINALLY done that, I am getting push back on having not done it the right way.  You know what people, I am being me.  Not what YOU want me to be, or what you THINK I should be, just me... so kindly BACK OFF!  I am sorry that I am not pretending to be happy all the time, and that I am not going to pretend that I want something I don't so that someone else can feel good.  Pretty much I am sorry for not pretending anymore.  You asked for it, and you got it.   I am becoming me, whether you like it or not.

reach for the stars

Goals are, in fact, dreams with deadlines. Nothing good ever happened without a deadline. Might not be a firm or short deadline, but all projects that are worthwhile are completed at some point. So you are going to have goals, you have to have something to work towards and different things are going to happen to with those goals.

 

1. You are going to meet some of them. Celebrate this. You have succeeded at something you wanted to do, you have grown as a result. Set a new goal, time to push to the next level. 
2. You are going to not meet some of them (notice how I didn't say fail, such a harsh word, fail.) You may not have succeeded, BUT you have learned something. You are know aware of a boundary that you have and have grown as a result. Maybe it is time to set a new goal to push that boundary. 
3. You are going to have to adjust some of them. This whole goal thing is not a matter of black or white. There are times that goals may shift but not be completely reached or not. There is no answer key to life so no one is going to tell you that you are wrong (and if they do, might be time to evaluate the people in your life), but you need to do what you need to do. 

I am not really sure where I am in my phases of goals. I feel like a royal failure (yes, I know, hash word, but I do feel it), as we all will from time to time, but I am not sure it I need to admit defeat and start anew or simply adjust. I know I need something, but I am grasping at straws to find what that something is.

Theoretically, there's not much I am missing. I have the best and most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for (thank you for being awesome btw), I have a job (employment is good), I have great hair (when I chose to make it as such), a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear. I got all the basics, and I know that's more than some people could ask for in a life time. So I start to feel guilty not feeling fulfilled. Not to say that my life is perfect, but it's better than a lot of lives out there right now. I am lucky in many ways and need to start finding ways to make myself feel like that. I guess thats a new goal, ironic how life works...

days go by

So it has been a while since I have mused about life and my awkward adventures within it.  I keep telling myself it is an issue of time.  But it seems that I don't have time for anything anymore.  Between working and pretending to be ok with the whole independent woman thing and being all domestic while also fixing toilets and the like, it is hard to find time to do much more than just function.  And it stinks.  


I know I am not the only one because whenever you talk about anything with anyone, namely how long it has been since you have seen them, the common excuse is "I know, I have just been so busy."  We all just nod and agree and have our bonding moment over how hard it is being a grown up even though it doesn't feel like we are old enough to be grown-ups, shudder, and opt for the bottle of wine.


It happens to all of us, getting swept up in the mundane borring-ness that is life.  But when do we start living rather than just surviving?  I know that concept is trite as anything and you are racking your brain for the name of that country song, rap song, chick flick, action movie, (have I made my point yet?) that you remember it from.  I know that things will get better and life gets easier as you establish yourself personally and professionally and that finances sort themselves out such that you can do more without worrying about where the money is coming from.  But right now I am kinda fed up.  I want to enjoy life and take in all that it has to offer, not just drag myself through it, waiting for something to happen.


I might not have it all, but I have enough to enjoy the little things in life.  It is time to start focusing on the friends that you are sharing the wine with rather than the job you hate to make the money to afford the more expensive bottle- Franzia gets the job done.  All joking aside, we spend do much time doing things to elevate ourselves and impress people that we barely have the time to spend with the people we are trying to impress.  We have to find the balance between making a living and having a life.


Friends are free, the best are their own reward and happiness is free, so I am going to start taking advantage of the incredible ROI potential (sorry, had to insert a corny business reference) and make the most of it... what ever it is.  Life is too short to be anything but happy, so it's time i start trying harder to achieve it, or maybe not trying as hard and let it just happen.

I need a crystal ball.. or not.

Can you tell the future?  Because I sure as hell can't; I'd like to, but quite frankly I just can't.  You never know what's going to happen and that's what makes life fun... and scary.  They tell you to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  But that never works.  You still get all worked up and anxious, thinking that the best case senario could not be any further from the realm of possibility.  You get so focused on preparing for the worst that you forget about the best.  Then you end up spending your life being scared.  But is it really living?


Nope.  If you spend your life being scared, you don't get to enjoy life and it's craziness (and yes, just because it's crazy, doesn't mean it's not enjoyable (yes, I know that you aren't supposed to use double negative, but it's by blog and I'll be grammatically improper if I want to, get over it.)).  And ironically, the way you live life will indeed dictate your future.  Just like I have said before, everything that happens makes a lasting mark on your life.  Every moment- no matter how large or small- becomes a part of you and the way you live your life from that day forward- whether you want it to or not.


Just as every moment becomes part of our life, every reaction to everyone of those moments  becomes part of our character- which is then tested at the next forever life changing moment.  And this, my friends, is what negates the need for a crystal ball.  Our character determines our future- for better or worse.  You have heard the term "self fulfilling prophecy," and such is life.  The way we chose to react in life dictates what life gives us to react to.  


When you think about it like this (whether you by it or not), you have to at least take a moment and think about the way you tend to react.  You might not change the lens through which you view life, but you should at least realize what the specs are for the one you are using.  So maybe instead of just wising we knew what the future held for us, we should just staart living in a way that invited the life we want to unfold before us.  You get what you give, scratch that- you get what you live.  So let's live the way we're supposed to- the way we want to.  "Make it happen."