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What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

life: it's just notthat pretty.

I was driving home today and it hit me.  What?  Nothing.  As I was driving from my childhood home to my apartment (which will soon no longer be), I got swept up in this big feeling of nothingness- I was washed with the realization that I was empty.  How could this be?  I have been working for a year to be anything but empty.  I thought I was finally at a point where I was the only one who can build me up or tear me down.  Isn't that what all this hard work was for?  So that I could be the master of my environment and not the other way around?

And beyond that, even if I wasn't as on top of my game as I thought, what in my environment was even making me feel this way?   I have everything I need, maybe not everything I want, but who does?  My environment would be more than pleasing from most people.  But for some reason I was blindsided with this desolate nothingness.  

I think I need to find that one thing that makes everything else all fall together.  As freeing as it is to be in your early 20s with nothing holding you down but your own will.  But really it's terrifying.  There is no direction, barely a suggestion of where to go.  Everything is so far up in the air that you barely think it's going to fall down, let alone where it may or may not fall.  So hard to make forward progress when you can barely see what lies ahead.  I am starving for that one thing that gives me the direction I'm lacking.  but in order to get that one thing I know I am going to have to take a risk.  

Taking a risk is never easy- the definition of risk is going in blind and hoping for the best out come while knowing that failure is a high possibility.  It's scary, but in order to have a starting point fore the rest of my life, it is that time.  As Britney Spears says, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" (yes I am quoting Britney, do not judge me)- I have to take that risk as a girl with nothing in the word holding me back and keep the responsible woman in me at bay with the confidence that I am doing this for her, so she can figure out what is to come.  Time to take the deep breath and jump into the unknown- its the only way forward.