blahh

What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself. 

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

sometimes life just sucks

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days-  the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

it's a new daw, its' a new day...

It's a new year. As most are doing today, I'm sitting here judging myself and my actions from the past year. Some might call it reflecting, reviewing, debriefing... I'm totally judging myself. I mean it's mostly good, but I'm not one to lie and I had my moments that were totally judge-worthy starting with last night, but that's a story for another day. I've been through a lot of ups and downs this year; literally some of the best and worst things that have happened in my life have happened in the last 365 days, and I couldn't be happier about it.

I made and re-made some of the best friendships that have strengthened me as a person and allowed me to truly enjoy life. I've had some of these awesome people that supported me when I most needed it, some that were there fir life's celebrations, and some that challenged me, like flat out called me out, which was painful but so necessary. Part of the existence of this blog (besides capturing the ridiculous series of events that is my life) is to help remind me that no one is perfect and I'm not even close. I have a lot of learning ahead of me and without the occasional push, how am I supposed to get better? So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the wake up call I obviously needed.

I found love this year. I honestly didn't think it was possible with the way things were playing, but it happened. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And it changed my life completely, for the better because it made me realize it could happen and that I could feel something other than empty. One person brought so much feeling back into my life and really kicked my heart into gear. Although the Wizard of Oz said that they would not be practical until they were made unbreakable, I may be just as happy as the Tinman to have mine back. Of course, this brings back the pain along with the joy, but the lessons learned and the feelings rushing back made the whole things one of the best, most enriching experiences of 2011 and my life.

I found some confidence in 2011. I have a long way to go, but there is definitely significantly more self respect this year than there was last time around and it is starting to make it's presence know (spoiler alert, there are big changes being spurred by this new-found trait in the next few weeks). All in all, 2011 brought great things and with how much farther I am today than I was January 1, 2011, 2012 is primed to be the best year ever and I couldn't be any more excited.

The official 2012 resolutions:

1. Make mistakes. I am giving myself permission to make all the mistakes I want, as long as I learn from them.
2. Try harder. Life doesn't give you anything for free, so I will be working (even more so) my ass off for it.
3. Be (truly) honest. With myself and others, sugarcoating life doesn't do any one any good and it just makes everything sticky.
4. Grow professionally. I need to push myself in my career to make sure I am getting the most from my company and they are getting the most from me; I want to further develop skills and get my name out there for the professional work I know I am capable of producing.
5. Network better. I want to meet new people, make new relationships, and find ways to further connect the people and things in my life.
6. Look good, feel better.  Yes I am reviving this from 2010. They always say to dress for the job you want rather than the one you have, so I am going to really take care of myself and start dressing all impeccable-like and living with the confidence I should have considering what I have accomplished in life.
7. Smile always. I am a generally happy person but evidently my outward appearance does not always show it so bust out your shades people because you are gonna be getting all kinds of flashes of these pearly whites. :)
8. Be real. We all live online, on our phones, on anything that's not really real. And I don't want to have to tell my kids I met their dad (god willing) on Facebook and then have to explain what Facebook is. Wow, I don't want to get old.
9. Love freely. I don't want to hold back anymore, nor do want to grow to be a spinster, so I am going to join the O'Jays and start a Love Train if you will. No more screwing around (those of you that know me well know what I mean).
10. Never settle. I owe it to myself to want better for me and, while respecting reality, I will expect more both for myself and from myself.
11. I'm not perfect. And it's ok. I am going to have my moments where I am a bitch, or a mess, or irresponsible, or immature. I am going to cry, or scream, or embarrass myself. And I forgive myself for that.
12. Ask for help. I am not going to get through this alone and asking my friends for support is not a bad thing, in fact it is good. My friends, family, support system, are awesome and there is no reason for me to be ashamed for needing an/or asking for that help.

to sum it up: laugh. love. learn. always.

stop the world

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT ONCE?!?!  (I think the only reason why that sentence is in CAPS is because of a recent article on the CAPS LOCK KEY.) But really, why? I am just starting to be able to accept life the way that it is, can't I just deal with one thing at a time? I am trying to make the best of this whole "life" thing but then it goes and plays all these games with me.

I mean it's the holiday season, which is crazy for everyone; my career is an absolute disaster (as in there are a lot of changes happening, not that I am not good at what I do.  In fact, I know that I am good at what I do, I just need to be better at telling my superiors that and believing in that fact); I am trying to move so that I can be more stable, sounds backwards but it's going to work; the whole finding a guy thing is pretty much blowing up in my face no matter what I try; it's always everything or nothing with life.  I'm bored, or the sky is falling: cresting at the height of the peaks then crashing into the low of the valley. Can't the topographical map of my life look more like a calm scene of rolling hills rather than the jagged outline of what the Rockies would look like if they were spread out over the Grand Canyon?

I'm just tired. How do people do this for entire lifetimes? God help me if I make it to 90 without ending up in the news for some psychotic breakdown, although a 90 year old me running up and down the street in a ripped nightgown that I have on backwards yelling obscenities (for whatever reason this is how I picture my 90 year old self) would be pretty entertaining. I mean, don't get me wrong- my high points are indeed high enough to balance out even the lowest of my lows, but bouncing so far up and down between the two is just exhausting. I am fortunate to have had the life enriching experiences that I've had and am very grateful for them. Hell, it is what generates half these posts... and if you only knew what I strategically omit... oh the ridiculousness that is my life... but I would appreciate a lull in life, just for a bit, so I can truly get myself in order and proceed forward with a normal-ish progression.

Just a few weeks of static normalcy. Then I will be able to deal with this craziness yet again. Secretly, I love my crazy life: the stories, the people, the sheer entertainment.  But how will I be able to keep learning and sharing all these fun stories with the blogosphere if I am too tired to keep up?  Dear life, please calm down, just for a little while.  Then we can play again! <3 always, me :)