moving on

There comes a time when change is necessary. Sometimes it introduces itself nicely: slowly advancing until you come to the realization "maybe, now that I think of it, I could use something new." Other times the need for change comes out of nowhere and attacks you like a ninja and knocks the sense into you so hard that you have no choice but to try something new. Either way, when the time comes you have to have the courage to act.

It's not easy, no matter how good the changes is, there is a part of change that is painful. And that is why we need to do it. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, these and countless other quasi-motivational phrases have become tired with their countless appearances on gym walls and promotional t-shirts everywhere, but they are based in a real-life phenomenon. If we continue to waddle down the road of life, at ease, content with everything around us, then we are going to miss so many exciting things that life is hiding down the side streets and back allies we blow past just because we are too scared to even look down them. We never know what we are capable of doing until we try- we might fail, but "no risk, no reward." (See the trite phrases just keep a-coming, please see past them and see that I have an actual point, thanks.)

Moving on is hard to do because saying hello to something new means saying good bye to what is comfortable. But the time comes for everyone. Have the confidence to believe that the change in front of you, whatever it is, is a good thing and will make you a better person with more well-rounded experience. I am saying good bye to a great thing, one of the greatest things, and biggest parts of my life to date. I am scared. Petrified in fact. But it is something that needs to be done and I am doing it. Hopefully this is the right thing to do, guess I will find out... goodbye old life, time to start over.

Well I am moving: new home, new people, new job... so many new thing on the horizon which means so many new challenges and struggles ahead. But of course this brings the opportunity for so many good things as well. Some say life is what you make it, some say it's how you take it. Some say you need luck, some say you make your own. You know me, and I believe in balance, so of course I am at the intersections of the two schools of thought and am prepared to work but also hoping that I have a little luck on my side. I believe that the good will out-weigh the bad and I cannot wait to celebrate all the good that this will bring.

it's a new daw, its' a new day...

It's a new year. As most are doing today, I'm sitting here judging myself and my actions from the past year. Some might call it reflecting, reviewing, debriefing... I'm totally judging myself. I mean it's mostly good, but I'm not one to lie and I had my moments that were totally judge-worthy starting with last night, but that's a story for another day. I've been through a lot of ups and downs this year; literally some of the best and worst things that have happened in my life have happened in the last 365 days, and I couldn't be happier about it.

I made and re-made some of the best friendships that have strengthened me as a person and allowed me to truly enjoy life. I've had some of these awesome people that supported me when I most needed it, some that were there fir life's celebrations, and some that challenged me, like flat out called me out, which was painful but so necessary. Part of the existence of this blog (besides capturing the ridiculous series of events that is my life) is to help remind me that no one is perfect and I'm not even close. I have a lot of learning ahead of me and without the occasional push, how am I supposed to get better? So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the wake up call I obviously needed.

I found love this year. I honestly didn't think it was possible with the way things were playing, but it happened. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And it changed my life completely, for the better because it made me realize it could happen and that I could feel something other than empty. One person brought so much feeling back into my life and really kicked my heart into gear. Although the Wizard of Oz said that they would not be practical until they were made unbreakable, I may be just as happy as the Tinman to have mine back. Of course, this brings back the pain along with the joy, but the lessons learned and the feelings rushing back made the whole things one of the best, most enriching experiences of 2011 and my life.

I found some confidence in 2011. I have a long way to go, but there is definitely significantly more self respect this year than there was last time around and it is starting to make it's presence know (spoiler alert, there are big changes being spurred by this new-found trait in the next few weeks). All in all, 2011 brought great things and with how much farther I am today than I was January 1, 2011, 2012 is primed to be the best year ever and I couldn't be any more excited.

The official 2012 resolutions:

1. Make mistakes. I am giving myself permission to make all the mistakes I want, as long as I learn from them.
2. Try harder. Life doesn't give you anything for free, so I will be working (even more so) my ass off for it.
3. Be (truly) honest. With myself and others, sugarcoating life doesn't do any one any good and it just makes everything sticky.
4. Grow professionally. I need to push myself in my career to make sure I am getting the most from my company and they are getting the most from me; I want to further develop skills and get my name out there for the professional work I know I am capable of producing.
5. Network better. I want to meet new people, make new relationships, and find ways to further connect the people and things in my life.
6. Look good, feel better.  Yes I am reviving this from 2010. They always say to dress for the job you want rather than the one you have, so I am going to really take care of myself and start dressing all impeccable-like and living with the confidence I should have considering what I have accomplished in life.
7. Smile always. I am a generally happy person but evidently my outward appearance does not always show it so bust out your shades people because you are gonna be getting all kinds of flashes of these pearly whites. :)
8. Be real. We all live online, on our phones, on anything that's not really real. And I don't want to have to tell my kids I met their dad (god willing) on Facebook and then have to explain what Facebook is. Wow, I don't want to get old.
9. Love freely. I don't want to hold back anymore, nor do want to grow to be a spinster, so I am going to join the O'Jays and start a Love Train if you will. No more screwing around (those of you that know me well know what I mean).
10. Never settle. I owe it to myself to want better for me and, while respecting reality, I will expect more both for myself and from myself.
11. I'm not perfect. And it's ok. I am going to have my moments where I am a bitch, or a mess, or irresponsible, or immature. I am going to cry, or scream, or embarrass myself. And I forgive myself for that.
12. Ask for help. I am not going to get through this alone and asking my friends for support is not a bad thing, in fact it is good. My friends, family, support system, are awesome and there is no reason for me to be ashamed for needing an/or asking for that help.

to sum it up: laugh. love. learn. always.

black or white?

Totally should have listend ti the King of Pop on this one. Does it realy matter if you're black or white? Of course we are talking iPhones here. Oh, sorry... were you expecting some profound commentary on race and equality and judgement or lack thereof? Well there will be more of that a different day. Today this is a superficial discussion regarding materialistic goods.

You would have thought I was deciding howe we should approach a hostiage situation with all the pressure. Just needed to pick a color. Got all the technical details narrowed down. But it was the color of the case that had me legit stumped.

The sad thing is that this is a reflection on how I make all my decisions... terribly. I sit and I collect the data- first hand, second hand, whatever hand I can get. Then I analyze- charts, graphs, presentations, ROI. Can't get enough. Then it comes time for the conclusion- that magical moment where all the work I have just done comes together in such a way that there are legit angels getting their wings somewhere.

NOPE.

I literally analyze myself into a non-decision. I spend so much time preparing to make the decision that by the time that I can convince myself into any outcome being the right one. Which is great when you need to know each facet of the possibilities. Much to be said about that. But for me, no matter how much prep-work I do, it always comes down to a matter of reducing buyers remorse.

I make it so that each possibility is as great, albeit different, than the next. I need to make better decisions, need to discount the options that are not good rather than finding the best way to spin it so that it seems good. Put standards into place and not allow things that do not meet them to pass.

Lots of needs, not much action. Yet, I'll get there. Until then, although it doesn't matter very much, I got the white one and am very pleased with the decision (although it is good to know I can get a black replacement phone if I need to replace it for any reason.) Right, working on it.

close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

social not-so-norms

Why is there no handbook on life? And why does no one read the ones that exist.  Yes some do actually exist. I'm not attempting to truly advocate these here, but there has to be SOME baseline for normal social behavior, and lord know I have no idea what the appropriate behavior in most situations is, so I take from what exists and build around it.  That is, after all, the way most people do everything, no?  "Borrow" someone's foundation, build upon it with your own personal flair, and produce something new, never seen by anyone before, even though it is just a "best of" compilation.

But serioulsy, I need some sort of compass to get me throguh life appropiately.  Every time I think I have figured some situation out, something happens that totally negates my previously well researched point.  #bothersme.

the right things for the right reasons

Zappos paying people's tolls in MA the day before Thanksgiving.   Didn't mass promote, people found out after the fact.  They weren't doing it for the attention, they were doing it because it was a nice thing to do.  Doesn't make sense right? Because obviously companies are all in it for the wrong reasons and won't give unless it is to get/spend money to makes money. Exactly. And yet, it is what happened.

People can do it, it doesn't happen as often as it should but the capacity is there.  The right things can be done for the sake of it being the nice thing to do, people and companies.  And that will leave a good legacy.  Yeah sure, there is no IMMEDIATE payoff, but there is a payoff. That payoff is called "living in a world that doesn't suck." Plus you just did the right thing.  Why does that not count any more?

This story combines my passions for doing business the right way and living the right way.  And it gives me hope that I too can some day in both the personal and professional life that I would be proud of living rather than just sluffing along doing things because "it's the way we do things" or it is "the way business are done."

I want to lead a proud life. And this story gives me hope that it will be possible. Let's just hope I can keep this faith before the bitterness of business as usual sets in and I succumb to the pressure and live the life that society defined. They have done enough defining, I will be taking this on for future endeavors. Doing things the right way is more important than doing things society's way.  Time to live the life you want whether or not it was the one laid out before you. You never know, someone else may just pay your tolls.

stop the world

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT ONCE?!?!  (I think the only reason why that sentence is in CAPS is because of a recent article on the CAPS LOCK KEY.) But really, why? I am just starting to be able to accept life the way that it is, can't I just deal with one thing at a time? I am trying to make the best of this whole "life" thing but then it goes and plays all these games with me.

I mean it's the holiday season, which is crazy for everyone; my career is an absolute disaster (as in there are a lot of changes happening, not that I am not good at what I do.  In fact, I know that I am good at what I do, I just need to be better at telling my superiors that and believing in that fact); I am trying to move so that I can be more stable, sounds backwards but it's going to work; the whole finding a guy thing is pretty much blowing up in my face no matter what I try; it's always everything or nothing with life.  I'm bored, or the sky is falling: cresting at the height of the peaks then crashing into the low of the valley. Can't the topographical map of my life look more like a calm scene of rolling hills rather than the jagged outline of what the Rockies would look like if they were spread out over the Grand Canyon?

I'm just tired. How do people do this for entire lifetimes? God help me if I make it to 90 without ending up in the news for some psychotic breakdown, although a 90 year old me running up and down the street in a ripped nightgown that I have on backwards yelling obscenities (for whatever reason this is how I picture my 90 year old self) would be pretty entertaining. I mean, don't get me wrong- my high points are indeed high enough to balance out even the lowest of my lows, but bouncing so far up and down between the two is just exhausting. I am fortunate to have had the life enriching experiences that I've had and am very grateful for them. Hell, it is what generates half these posts... and if you only knew what I strategically omit... oh the ridiculousness that is my life... but I would appreciate a lull in life, just for a bit, so I can truly get myself in order and proceed forward with a normal-ish progression.

Just a few weeks of static normalcy. Then I will be able to deal with this craziness yet again. Secretly, I love my crazy life: the stories, the people, the sheer entertainment.  But how will I be able to keep learning and sharing all these fun stories with the blogosphere if I am too tired to keep up?  Dear life, please calm down, just for a little while.  Then we can play again! <3 always, me :)