thank you for being a parrot

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

• one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
• one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
• an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say. 

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble. 

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

it's a new daw, its' a new day...

It's a new year. As most are doing today, I'm sitting here judging myself and my actions from the past year. Some might call it reflecting, reviewing, debriefing... I'm totally judging myself. I mean it's mostly good, but I'm not one to lie and I had my moments that were totally judge-worthy starting with last night, but that's a story for another day. I've been through a lot of ups and downs this year; literally some of the best and worst things that have happened in my life have happened in the last 365 days, and I couldn't be happier about it.

I made and re-made some of the best friendships that have strengthened me as a person and allowed me to truly enjoy life. I've had some of these awesome people that supported me when I most needed it, some that were there fir life's celebrations, and some that challenged me, like flat out called me out, which was painful but so necessary. Part of the existence of this blog (besides capturing the ridiculous series of events that is my life) is to help remind me that no one is perfect and I'm not even close. I have a lot of learning ahead of me and without the occasional push, how am I supposed to get better? So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the wake up call I obviously needed.

I found love this year. I honestly didn't think it was possible with the way things were playing, but it happened. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And it changed my life completely, for the better because it made me realize it could happen and that I could feel something other than empty. One person brought so much feeling back into my life and really kicked my heart into gear. Although the Wizard of Oz said that they would not be practical until they were made unbreakable, I may be just as happy as the Tinman to have mine back. Of course, this brings back the pain along with the joy, but the lessons learned and the feelings rushing back made the whole things one of the best, most enriching experiences of 2011 and my life.

I found some confidence in 2011. I have a long way to go, but there is definitely significantly more self respect this year than there was last time around and it is starting to make it's presence know (spoiler alert, there are big changes being spurred by this new-found trait in the next few weeks). All in all, 2011 brought great things and with how much farther I am today than I was January 1, 2011, 2012 is primed to be the best year ever and I couldn't be any more excited.

The official 2012 resolutions:

1. Make mistakes. I am giving myself permission to make all the mistakes I want, as long as I learn from them.
2. Try harder. Life doesn't give you anything for free, so I will be working (even more so) my ass off for it.
3. Be (truly) honest. With myself and others, sugarcoating life doesn't do any one any good and it just makes everything sticky.
4. Grow professionally. I need to push myself in my career to make sure I am getting the most from my company and they are getting the most from me; I want to further develop skills and get my name out there for the professional work I know I am capable of producing.
5. Network better. I want to meet new people, make new relationships, and find ways to further connect the people and things in my life.
6. Look good, feel better.  Yes I am reviving this from 2010. They always say to dress for the job you want rather than the one you have, so I am going to really take care of myself and start dressing all impeccable-like and living with the confidence I should have considering what I have accomplished in life.
7. Smile always. I am a generally happy person but evidently my outward appearance does not always show it so bust out your shades people because you are gonna be getting all kinds of flashes of these pearly whites. :)
8. Be real. We all live online, on our phones, on anything that's not really real. And I don't want to have to tell my kids I met their dad (god willing) on Facebook and then have to explain what Facebook is. Wow, I don't want to get old.
9. Love freely. I don't want to hold back anymore, nor do want to grow to be a spinster, so I am going to join the O'Jays and start a Love Train if you will. No more screwing around (those of you that know me well know what I mean).
10. Never settle. I owe it to myself to want better for me and, while respecting reality, I will expect more both for myself and from myself.
11. I'm not perfect. And it's ok. I am going to have my moments where I am a bitch, or a mess, or irresponsible, or immature. I am going to cry, or scream, or embarrass myself. And I forgive myself for that.
12. Ask for help. I am not going to get through this alone and asking my friends for support is not a bad thing, in fact it is good. My friends, family, support system, are awesome and there is no reason for me to be ashamed for needing an/or asking for that help.

to sum it up: laugh. love. learn. always.

fools rush in

Yeah it's a stupid saying and an Elvis song.  But it's true, fools do rush in.  They throw themselves at situations with everything that they have, hoping it's going to work.  They know that it's never worked for anyone else before, but it's different, it's not THEM.  They have something no one else before them did and FOR SURE this time, it will work. They ignore all the nay-sayers, all the logic, all the facts that place obstacles before them and they rush harder than even the best defensive lineman.  But what else are they supposed to do?  They don't know any better, thats why they are fools after all.

Or maybe they aren't fools at all, maybe they are quite the opposite- they have seen logic fail, reason come up short, and life become nothing more than an hollow shell with what could be filled with love and happiness.  Maybe these fools have learned the hard way that it doesn't always work out the way that its supposed to, that the puzzle pieces might all be there, but something isn't quite right.  Is it really that persons fault for trying something different?  Can we really call them a fool?

Photo Credit:
http://www.howtogetexback.org/
free-online-reports/how-do-you-mend-a-broken-heart

I've made mistakes when it comes to relationships- I've played it too cool, too hott, too them, too me, too... the point is, it was always too something.  So maybe I am a fool, but at least I can say that I never gave anything less than my all.  I rushed in full force, ready to try to give love to whomever was willing to give love to me.  And maybe it was because I was blinded by the idea of love- so desperate to have that support, that one solid thing in my life that I feel like I have been lacking.  Maybe that stability I could find in a person that loved me the way I not only wanted, but needed to be loved.  And sure, I have not uncovered the secrets to success in  a relationship, I'm not even a little close, like not even in the right galaxy.  But what I have done is learned from these mistakes.  I am getting closer to knowing what is going on, and maybe some day I will have it fully figured out.

Stay tuned.

Until then, I'll share what I have learned:

1. Friends, family, lovers each love you in their own, unique way.
2. That unique way reflects how they need to be loved in return.
3. Each relationship formed happens in that perfect storm of their need, your need, and what can happen in the current situation. 
4. Every relationship- no matter how long or short, how intense or mundane, how amazing or terrible- every one matters and should be treasured for what it provided to you.

I am thankful to have had the fulfilling relationships that I did.  And I am glad I got to learn from the crappy ones (even if i spent far too much time and energy crying over them).  And someday I know that I will have nothing but fulfilling relationships.  But until then, I am just going to keep rushing in.

and i promise you...

...I will learn from my mistakes.  We all make mistakes- it's a natural part of life.  Some are bigger than others, but every little one is the catalyst for growth.  No toddler just takes off running the first time they prop themselves up.  They stumble, they fall, they make mistakes- this is how they learn.  No one gets it right the first time (however if you know anyone who gets it right the first time every time I want them on my non-existent payroll).

So walking, basic motor skill- not easy to master, and I want to talk about trust.  Trust, one of the hardest human emotions to wrangle (feel free to picture a cowboy roping cows branded with different emoticons, as that's what I am doing).  Trust is hard because it falls at the crossroads between the head and the heart; it is the fine balance between intuition and logic, between feeling and ration.  And the worst part is that trust is a balance between what is earned and given.

Trust is so complicated because you have to depend not only on your internal struggle, but also someone else's.  People are complicated creatures, which is a great thing because it makes us interesting and this life worth living, but we all know "interesting" is just a euphemism for "I need to turn a negative into a positive without going as far to actually saying I like it..."  I believe it is true, what they all say... at least now I do:  first that you cannot trust others until you trust yourself and second that those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.

I learned that as far as I have come, I still have much to learn when it comes to completely trusting myself (and admit that it's ok to let myself change my mind if I so need).  Trust truly does have to be mutual- one person cannot trust another that person does not trust them back.  And as much as those who aren't trusted can never earn said trust, if they are unwilling to trust others- take it as a sign, they are most likely not worthy of your trust.

In this life there are so few moments, and even fewer people worthy of sharing them with.  Each moment should each be treasured for what it gives to us and so should each person.  There is not enough time to be spending moments with people that have anything other than your best interest in mind.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past.  I have taken advantage of other people's trust and had others do the same to me.  Lessons learned?  We all make mistakes, we all control how said mistakes form our character, some characters are a lot better than others, and you need to carefully examine the character of those you let in your life- only the top should have the ability to earn your trust.