thank you for being a parrot

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

• one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
• one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
• an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say. 

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble. 

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

oh the things you can think

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.

happiness is as happiness does

So a very wise woman pointed out that there has been no updates here in a while.  I say very wise for many reasons, but mainly because she is right in making this observation.  I didn't even realize it until she reminded me that it had been some time before she read something new here.  For that I apologize.  But I hope to make up for it with some riveting content, or at least a fun story or two ;)


She told me: "I havent seen any blog posts since your smile has been here."  And that got me thinking- why must we all only complain?  I mean, I don't want to undermine myself in all of this, however, most of the things that I chose to babble about here are things that really bum me out or piss me off or put me in a generally unpleasant disposition and I vent and try to talk myself into seeing it in a more positive light.  Whether I think I can learn something from a bad situation or keep someone else from making the same mistake, I manage to convince myself that some good can come of it.  But the point here is that the good is a forced result of the bad.  I never just talk about how good things are- and honestly, not many people do.


We always see the bad stuff in life and we complain about it loud and (almost) proud.  We get together for the sole purpose of complaining.  Hell, we have some relationships that are based on nothing more than doing so.  It's sad to say, but think about it- are there, or are there not people that you would not talk to if you did not complain to/with them?  And what's sadder is that regardless of it's impact on the situation, we still do it.


But the truth is, there are many good things in life.  We all have at least one thing every day that is genuinely good.  That's it, just good.  And I am just a little upset to think about the fact that I have used this primarily as an outlet for negative thoughts and feelings and will make it a point to talk about the good things too.  


And that, friends, was my way of saying I am happy.  Life is good.  I am realizing that there are more things that make me feel fulfilled and fewer moments where emptiness runs my life.  The positive side of me is coming back, it's a good thing.  Time to embrace this whole good, happy thing.  About freaking time.