thank you for being a parrot

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

• one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
• one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
• an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say. 

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble. 

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.


Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and  CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.


So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.


Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

fools rush in

Yeah it's a stupid saying and an Elvis song.  But it's true, fools do rush in.  They throw themselves at situations with everything that they have, hoping it's going to work.  They know that it's never worked for anyone else before, but it's different, it's not THEM.  They have something no one else before them did and FOR SURE this time, it will work. They ignore all the nay-sayers, all the logic, all the facts that place obstacles before them and they rush harder than even the best defensive lineman.  But what else are they supposed to do?  They don't know any better, thats why they are fools after all.

Or maybe they aren't fools at all, maybe they are quite the opposite- they have seen logic fail, reason come up short, and life become nothing more than an hollow shell with what could be filled with love and happiness.  Maybe these fools have learned the hard way that it doesn't always work out the way that its supposed to, that the puzzle pieces might all be there, but something isn't quite right.  Is it really that persons fault for trying something different?  Can we really call them a fool?

Photo Credit:
http://www.howtogetexback.org/
free-online-reports/how-do-you-mend-a-broken-heart

I've made mistakes when it comes to relationships- I've played it too cool, too hott, too them, too me, too... the point is, it was always too something.  So maybe I am a fool, but at least I can say that I never gave anything less than my all.  I rushed in full force, ready to try to give love to whomever was willing to give love to me.  And maybe it was because I was blinded by the idea of love- so desperate to have that support, that one solid thing in my life that I feel like I have been lacking.  Maybe that stability I could find in a person that loved me the way I not only wanted, but needed to be loved.  And sure, I have not uncovered the secrets to success in  a relationship, I'm not even a little close, like not even in the right galaxy.  But what I have done is learned from these mistakes.  I am getting closer to knowing what is going on, and maybe some day I will have it fully figured out.

Stay tuned.

Until then, I'll share what I have learned:

1. Friends, family, lovers each love you in their own, unique way.
2. That unique way reflects how they need to be loved in return.
3. Each relationship formed happens in that perfect storm of their need, your need, and what can happen in the current situation. 
4. Every relationship- no matter how long or short, how intense or mundane, how amazing or terrible- every one matters and should be treasured for what it provided to you.

I am thankful to have had the fulfilling relationships that I did.  And I am glad I got to learn from the crappy ones (even if i spent far too much time and energy crying over them).  And someday I know that I will have nothing but fulfilling relationships.  But until then, I am just going to keep rushing in.

and i promise you...

...I will learn from my mistakes.  We all make mistakes- it's a natural part of life.  Some are bigger than others, but every little one is the catalyst for growth.  No toddler just takes off running the first time they prop themselves up.  They stumble, they fall, they make mistakes- this is how they learn.  No one gets it right the first time (however if you know anyone who gets it right the first time every time I want them on my non-existent payroll).

So walking, basic motor skill- not easy to master, and I want to talk about trust.  Trust, one of the hardest human emotions to wrangle (feel free to picture a cowboy roping cows branded with different emoticons, as that's what I am doing).  Trust is hard because it falls at the crossroads between the head and the heart; it is the fine balance between intuition and logic, between feeling and ration.  And the worst part is that trust is a balance between what is earned and given.

Trust is so complicated because you have to depend not only on your internal struggle, but also someone else's.  People are complicated creatures, which is a great thing because it makes us interesting and this life worth living, but we all know "interesting" is just a euphemism for "I need to turn a negative into a positive without going as far to actually saying I like it..."  I believe it is true, what they all say... at least now I do:  first that you cannot trust others until you trust yourself and second that those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.

I learned that as far as I have come, I still have much to learn when it comes to completely trusting myself (and admit that it's ok to let myself change my mind if I so need).  Trust truly does have to be mutual- one person cannot trust another that person does not trust them back.  And as much as those who aren't trusted can never earn said trust, if they are unwilling to trust others- take it as a sign, they are most likely not worthy of your trust.

In this life there are so few moments, and even fewer people worthy of sharing them with.  Each moment should each be treasured for what it gives to us and so should each person.  There is not enough time to be spending moments with people that have anything other than your best interest in mind.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past.  I have taken advantage of other people's trust and had others do the same to me.  Lessons learned?  We all make mistakes, we all control how said mistakes form our character, some characters are a lot better than others, and you need to carefully examine the character of those you let in your life- only the top should have the ability to earn your trust.