black or white?

Totally should have listend ti the King of Pop on this one. Does it realy matter if you're black or white? Of course we are talking iPhones here. Oh, sorry... were you expecting some profound commentary on race and equality and judgement or lack thereof? Well there will be more of that a different day. Today this is a superficial discussion regarding materialistic goods.

You would have thought I was deciding howe we should approach a hostiage situation with all the pressure. Just needed to pick a color. Got all the technical details narrowed down. But it was the color of the case that had me legit stumped.

The sad thing is that this is a reflection on how I make all my decisions... terribly. I sit and I collect the data- first hand, second hand, whatever hand I can get. Then I analyze- charts, graphs, presentations, ROI. Can't get enough. Then it comes time for the conclusion- that magical moment where all the work I have just done comes together in such a way that there are legit angels getting their wings somewhere.

NOPE.

I literally analyze myself into a non-decision. I spend so much time preparing to make the decision that by the time that I can convince myself into any outcome being the right one. Which is great when you need to know each facet of the possibilities. Much to be said about that. But for me, no matter how much prep-work I do, it always comes down to a matter of reducing buyers remorse.

I make it so that each possibility is as great, albeit different, than the next. I need to make better decisions, need to discount the options that are not good rather than finding the best way to spin it so that it seems good. Put standards into place and not allow things that do not meet them to pass.

Lots of needs, not much action. Yet, I'll get there. Until then, although it doesn't matter very much, I got the white one and am very pleased with the decision (although it is good to know I can get a black replacement phone if I need to replace it for any reason.) Right, working on it.

close your eyes and leap

There are songs, quotes, and generally supportive friends everywhere touting the adage of believing in yourself and taking chances and other nonsense that has no historical proof point, data validation, or case studies to speak of. None, nada, zip, zero. And yet we think it's fine just jump into the next big adventure shouting things like, "no risk, no reward" and "with great power comes with great sacrifice." No wonder  we close our eyes before we leap, we can't bear to see the impending doom before it (hopefully) turns into the great opportunity for which we so desperately yearn. It may or may not also have to do with out determination to defy authority as our older and wiser predecessors always remind us to look before we leap, but that's another post.

Are we insane?

There must be a reason why we think this is somehow acceptable behavior. And, in fact, there is- things happen, there are reasons. The truth is the answers are never clearly displayed before us; black and white seems to have died with the silent film. Now ambiguous greys and distracting noise fill our minds with doubt where clarity will never genuinely land. We have to go out on a limb, make choices based on feelings rather than facts. Frankly, we don't have the time to wait for them.

We take the facts we have, organize them into lists and charts, even the occasional infographic and we throw ourselves into information overload resulting in nothing more than utter confusion. Our pro and con lists grow so long that they render themselves useless. Our cost benefit analyses just leave the users feeling taxed. So the facts can help us, to an extent, but the more we analyze the further we get from an answer. So when it comes time to make a decision we go with what is in our heart... or our gut depending on how you operate. Either way we are ignoring all statistical analysis and going with arbitrary choice.

Photo Credit: Katrina Duke

And when that doesn't work we end up back at the top of this posts listening to empowering playlists, reading self-help blogs, and begging out friends to recite those trite aphorisms. I mean, we need to get the confidence that our analysis failed to provide us in some way. And we do. We have great friends, family, and advisors that push us (lovingly of course) off the edge of what ever decision cliff we are so precariously balancing on in the moment; sometimes they wait for us to close our eyes, sometimes they don't, guess that depends on your friends. The point is we make it off the cliff and we land. We always land.

Not going to guarantee a graceful landing, you might end up with a scrape or bruise or two but land you shall. And if my friend is right I am going to end up taking a leap of faith in myself and land smiling. Guess this risk is one I am just about convinced I am willing to take, see you on the other side.

social not-so-norms

Why is there no handbook on life? And why does no one read the ones that exist.  Yes some do actually exist. I'm not attempting to truly advocate these here, but there has to be SOME baseline for normal social behavior, and lord know I have no idea what the appropriate behavior in most situations is, so I take from what exists and build around it.  That is, after all, the way most people do everything, no?  "Borrow" someone's foundation, build upon it with your own personal flair, and produce something new, never seen by anyone before, even though it is just a "best of" compilation.

But serioulsy, I need some sort of compass to get me throguh life appropiately.  Every time I think I have figured some situation out, something happens that totally negates my previously well researched point.  #bothersme.

the right things for the right reasons

Zappos paying people's tolls in MA the day before Thanksgiving.   Didn't mass promote, people found out after the fact.  They weren't doing it for the attention, they were doing it because it was a nice thing to do.  Doesn't make sense right? Because obviously companies are all in it for the wrong reasons and won't give unless it is to get/spend money to makes money. Exactly. And yet, it is what happened.

People can do it, it doesn't happen as often as it should but the capacity is there.  The right things can be done for the sake of it being the nice thing to do, people and companies.  And that will leave a good legacy.  Yeah sure, there is no IMMEDIATE payoff, but there is a payoff. That payoff is called "living in a world that doesn't suck." Plus you just did the right thing.  Why does that not count any more?

This story combines my passions for doing business the right way and living the right way.  And it gives me hope that I too can some day in both the personal and professional life that I would be proud of living rather than just sluffing along doing things because "it's the way we do things" or it is "the way business are done."

I want to lead a proud life. And this story gives me hope that it will be possible. Let's just hope I can keep this faith before the bitterness of business as usual sets in and I succumb to the pressure and live the life that society defined. They have done enough defining, I will be taking this on for future endeavors. Doing things the right way is more important than doing things society's way.  Time to live the life you want whether or not it was the one laid out before you. You never know, someone else may just pay your tolls.

stop the world

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT ONCE?!?!  (I think the only reason why that sentence is in CAPS is because of a recent article on the CAPS LOCK KEY.) But really, why? I am just starting to be able to accept life the way that it is, can't I just deal with one thing at a time? I am trying to make the best of this whole "life" thing but then it goes and plays all these games with me.

I mean it's the holiday season, which is crazy for everyone; my career is an absolute disaster (as in there are a lot of changes happening, not that I am not good at what I do.  In fact, I know that I am good at what I do, I just need to be better at telling my superiors that and believing in that fact); I am trying to move so that I can be more stable, sounds backwards but it's going to work; the whole finding a guy thing is pretty much blowing up in my face no matter what I try; it's always everything or nothing with life.  I'm bored, or the sky is falling: cresting at the height of the peaks then crashing into the low of the valley. Can't the topographical map of my life look more like a calm scene of rolling hills rather than the jagged outline of what the Rockies would look like if they were spread out over the Grand Canyon?

I'm just tired. How do people do this for entire lifetimes? God help me if I make it to 90 without ending up in the news for some psychotic breakdown, although a 90 year old me running up and down the street in a ripped nightgown that I have on backwards yelling obscenities (for whatever reason this is how I picture my 90 year old self) would be pretty entertaining. I mean, don't get me wrong- my high points are indeed high enough to balance out even the lowest of my lows, but bouncing so far up and down between the two is just exhausting. I am fortunate to have had the life enriching experiences that I've had and am very grateful for them. Hell, it is what generates half these posts... and if you only knew what I strategically omit... oh the ridiculousness that is my life... but I would appreciate a lull in life, just for a bit, so I can truly get myself in order and proceed forward with a normal-ish progression.

Just a few weeks of static normalcy. Then I will be able to deal with this craziness yet again. Secretly, I love my crazy life: the stories, the people, the sheer entertainment.  But how will I be able to keep learning and sharing all these fun stories with the blogosphere if I am too tired to keep up?  Dear life, please calm down, just for a little while.  Then we can play again! <3 always, me :)

careful what you wish for, you just may get it

So, I have spent the last year and a half trying to find myself.  Not an easy process.  Not for me, not for anyone.  Would it have been easier if i chose to go through this in my "coming of age" years rather than the time where I am supposed to be making a living and all that?  Probably... but that's neither here nor there.  The point is I am doing it, better late than never as they say.  And I have been fortunate to have a lot of support through the process.  Lots of people understanding and hoping the best is yet to come.

The only problem is, I have kind have started to be me.  How is that a problem? You may ask, most would think this is a great thing.  Well now that I am actually being me, people seem to be not so ok with it.  It is almost as if people have grown accustomed to me shifting into whatever mode works best for them at the time, and now that I choose to be me, regardless of how the other entity would prefer me to handle the situation, it is not always well-received by said entity.  I realize that this is something that everyone deals with everyday, but it is new to me because being me is new to me.  

I get frustrated.  Because all this support to grow into myself and become a person independent of all others and now that I have FINALLY done that, I am getting push back on having not done it the right way.  You know what people, I am being me.  Not what YOU want me to be, or what you THINK I should be, just me... so kindly BACK OFF!  I am sorry that I am not pretending to be happy all the time, and that I am not going to pretend that I want something I don't so that someone else can feel good.  Pretty much I am sorry for not pretending anymore.  You asked for it, and you got it.   I am becoming me, whether you like it or not.

(not) feeling it

I really wish I was feeling this (or anything) more.  I have 4 posts in draft, but nothing is really ready to be let out into the great unknown world of the internet.  So for now I will say: expect the unexpected, tomorrow is another day, and things happen (pause) there are reasons.

Keep your head up, and let others help you do so.  We aren't in this alone, even thought we might have to go into battle solo, the support is there for sure.  Take it when you can and be sure to thank them and be there to support them in return.

Life will make sense someday.  Maybe not to you, or me, or anyone who as 2 brain cells that synapse at the same time, but to someone.  Find the hope in that and hold onto it for dear life, because tonight people,  that's all I got for you.

I am not going to put up here something that I don't feel.  And tonight (obviously), I don't feel very coordinated, logical, or much of anything really.  So take what you can from this mess and keep holding on.

More to come.

fools rush in

Yeah it's a stupid saying and an Elvis song.  But it's true, fools do rush in.  They throw themselves at situations with everything that they have, hoping it's going to work.  They know that it's never worked for anyone else before, but it's different, it's not THEM.  They have something no one else before them did and FOR SURE this time, it will work. They ignore all the nay-sayers, all the logic, all the facts that place obstacles before them and they rush harder than even the best defensive lineman.  But what else are they supposed to do?  They don't know any better, thats why they are fools after all.

Or maybe they aren't fools at all, maybe they are quite the opposite- they have seen logic fail, reason come up short, and life become nothing more than an hollow shell with what could be filled with love and happiness.  Maybe these fools have learned the hard way that it doesn't always work out the way that its supposed to, that the puzzle pieces might all be there, but something isn't quite right.  Is it really that persons fault for trying something different?  Can we really call them a fool?

Photo Credit:
http://www.howtogetexback.org/
free-online-reports/how-do-you-mend-a-broken-heart

I've made mistakes when it comes to relationships- I've played it too cool, too hott, too them, too me, too... the point is, it was always too something.  So maybe I am a fool, but at least I can say that I never gave anything less than my all.  I rushed in full force, ready to try to give love to whomever was willing to give love to me.  And maybe it was because I was blinded by the idea of love- so desperate to have that support, that one solid thing in my life that I feel like I have been lacking.  Maybe that stability I could find in a person that loved me the way I not only wanted, but needed to be loved.  And sure, I have not uncovered the secrets to success in  a relationship, I'm not even a little close, like not even in the right galaxy.  But what I have done is learned from these mistakes.  I am getting closer to knowing what is going on, and maybe some day I will have it fully figured out.

Stay tuned.

Until then, I'll share what I have learned:

1. Friends, family, lovers each love you in their own, unique way.
2. That unique way reflects how they need to be loved in return.
3. Each relationship formed happens in that perfect storm of their need, your need, and what can happen in the current situation. 
4. Every relationship- no matter how long or short, how intense or mundane, how amazing or terrible- every one matters and should be treasured for what it provided to you.

I am thankful to have had the fulfilling relationships that I did.  And I am glad I got to learn from the crappy ones (even if i spent far too much time and energy crying over them).  And someday I know that I will have nothing but fulfilling relationships.  But until then, I am just going to keep rushing in.

and i promise you...

...I will learn from my mistakes.  We all make mistakes- it's a natural part of life.  Some are bigger than others, but every little one is the catalyst for growth.  No toddler just takes off running the first time they prop themselves up.  They stumble, they fall, they make mistakes- this is how they learn.  No one gets it right the first time (however if you know anyone who gets it right the first time every time I want them on my non-existent payroll).

So walking, basic motor skill- not easy to master, and I want to talk about trust.  Trust, one of the hardest human emotions to wrangle (feel free to picture a cowboy roping cows branded with different emoticons, as that's what I am doing).  Trust is hard because it falls at the crossroads between the head and the heart; it is the fine balance between intuition and logic, between feeling and ration.  And the worst part is that trust is a balance between what is earned and given.

Trust is so complicated because you have to depend not only on your internal struggle, but also someone else's.  People are complicated creatures, which is a great thing because it makes us interesting and this life worth living, but we all know "interesting" is just a euphemism for "I need to turn a negative into a positive without going as far to actually saying I like it..."  I believe it is true, what they all say... at least now I do:  first that you cannot trust others until you trust yourself and second that those who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.

I learned that as far as I have come, I still have much to learn when it comes to completely trusting myself (and admit that it's ok to let myself change my mind if I so need).  Trust truly does have to be mutual- one person cannot trust another that person does not trust them back.  And as much as those who aren't trusted can never earn said trust, if they are unwilling to trust others- take it as a sign, they are most likely not worthy of your trust.

In this life there are so few moments, and even fewer people worthy of sharing them with.  Each moment should each be treasured for what it gives to us and so should each person.  There is not enough time to be spending moments with people that have anything other than your best interest in mind.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past.  I have taken advantage of other people's trust and had others do the same to me.  Lessons learned?  We all make mistakes, we all control how said mistakes form our character, some characters are a lot better than others, and you need to carefully examine the character of those you let in your life- only the top should have the ability to earn your trust.

is it over yet?

So I went ziplining over the weekend.  Super fun.  You should really try it if you haven't.  It's incredible.  And it's not just an incredible experience in and of itself, but it is also incredible how much the experience reflects the way I feel about life right now.  It's exciting, there is so much opportunity, so much to experience... if you can just get past that first leap and all the hype surrounding it.  For the rest of the post feel free to exchange "ziplining" for "life."

Ziplining was so exciting in theory, I loved talking about it, the idea was thrilling, and I was going to go enjoy this great time with a great group of people; what is an experience really if it is not enjoyed amongst friends?  But actually doing it was more scary than exciting.  You take all the appropriate safety measures, strap in, follow the advice of experts, but there is still no sure fire way of making sure you are going to get through it in once piece.  You literally have to stare down the mountain, watching the thin lines that are supposedly getting you across disappear to a spec on the other side.  You can see where you are going, know the way to get there, but you never know if you are going to make it.

Your scared, your unsure, but with the support of friends you close your eyes and jump of the edge.  And if you're like me, you keep your eyes closed and don't even have enough breath to scream because you haven't been breathing.  So worried about the outcome, you are barely enjoying the journey.  But you get there, you might need to ne straddled by a man- who will at least make you dinner later that night (turns out we were in such a small town that the zipline tour guide was also the chef at the restaurant we went to later that night)- and rescued the last little bit.  But you will get there.

So with my feet firmly planted on the ground, I had a whole new respect for the journey I had just gone on, and a little more confidence in it.  So round 2, I was able to jump on my very own.  By round 3, I was breathing.  And by round 4, I was smiling.  And finally by the last round I was enjoying it.  The only problem was, by the time i started actually having fun, it was almost over.  And although I can go ziplining again, and know how to enjoy it from the beginning, I do not have the same leisure with life.  If I wait until I am sure I am going to be ok to start enjoying life, I am going to be waiting forever.  And who wants to look back and say that they lived in fear and never truly got to enjoy it.

It is time to stop asking if it is over yet and start enjoying this journey for what it is.  Life is more than just hoping you get to your next destination; we have to get there, and we are going to, so why not enjoy what we can along the way?  Unlike ziplining, we can't do life again so just breathe, enjoy it for what it is, and always appreciated your feet being on solid ground.

you can't always get what you want

Sometimes you don't know what it is that you want.  When you are young and the world is your oyster, the world presents so many opportunities.  When you play, you let your imagination run free.  One day your stuffed animals are jurors in a courtroom as you recite lines overheard on TV law shows, the next they are guests at your table as you create then some inedible meal of Play-Doh spaghetti, and the day after that you are rescuing them from a burning building.  You can literally be anything you want to be, anything.  You don't have to be good at it, its not real.  You aren't going to lose sleep over convicting an innocent bear, giving food poisoning to a bunny, or not being able to save the turtle.  In fact, you are spending so much time focusing on the fun, that you don't even realize there would be consequences.

Kids play "doctor", not "navigating malpractice insurance" for a reason.

As we get older, we start narrowing down our hobbies; find the things that we are most passionate about and focus our time and energy there.  Sure we still play a few sports in high school, we take a variety of classes, participate in a number of clubs- but you have your favorite.  Then in college the field gets even further narrowed down.  Things start becoming more real, consequences become more evident and a need for more focus is determined and we, as smart human beings, do our best to make that commitment and accomplish more in that particular field.  Somewhere along the lines, most people make this decision about what it is they are going to do, for real.

For some, the lucky few, it comes more naturally- their passion and talent align.  They simply focus on what they are best at, and add a little extra effort to make it work for them.  For others it's a little trickier, but still do-able- their passion is great, but the natural ability to support it is not.  They have to work hard, put in a real effort to be able to turn their passion into their livelihood, but with enough passion, a little guidance and education will get you there no problem.  But there is another option here and this is where I find myself.  At a place where the passion and talent are indeterminable.

How can I make progress when I do not know where it is that I want to progress to?  I know I want certain things in life, but I am still searching for that driving force.  Maybe there is a powerful skill I have yet to discover that will help me out.  Or maybe I will develop a passion for something so deep that I will have no choice but to devote future endeavors to it.  But until then, I stand at a crossroads, so desperately wanting to move forward, but with so many directions to choose from I feel so stuck here.  I need to want to go my own way.

You can't always get what you want.  Because sometimes you don't know what exactly that is...

i get attached. so what?

I have feelings.  They come out when I get close to people.  I pretend like it doesnt happen, but it does.  And its hard for me to deal with.  Really hard.  Because not only am I dealing with this difficult emotion but also because I am pretending to be so ok with it.  So im not just trying to hide a feeling, but fake another one.  I am good at faking things, but that doesnt make it easy (or preferable).

Is it so bad to have feelings?  I've spent so much time avoiding them that I am not even sure anymore.  One of the things that I love about myself is how much I care about others.  I just hate how it always seems to get me in trouble.  Passion is a great thing, but it can really get you in trouble because that intense feeling takes over ration and common sense.  That's what's so magical about feelings, when they are so strong that they make you forget that you are supposed to be a rational, process-driven entity.

I love that feeling of being swept up in the moment, not caring what makes sense and what doesn't.  But it's also scary knowing that feelings can do that.  So I guess I understand why I tried to turn them off for so long.  Sometimes when you can't handle things, you go into self preservation mode and the easiest way to deal with an issue is to... well, not.  But life does not operate on the premise of "if you ignore it, it goes away."  We need to address our issues, face them head on, especially when it is a difficult one.

So I get attached.  I care.  And from now on, I'm done pretending otherwise.

i've got a new attitude

So Friday was a bad day.  Can't give you on reason why exactly this was the case, but that is not the point here... quite the opposite actually.  My lesson of this weekend is that being positive attracts more positivity.  So rather than thinking about what may or may not be bad, we focus on what is good.  Shifting your focus to what is good in life, in turn, allows more of the good things in life to be center-stage.  It is easy to get sucked into a black hole in life.  The "when it rains it pours" mentality might be true, but it is only enhanced by our tendency to bring ourselves down but focusing on the negative.  I have spent way to much time being a negative nelly lately and this weekend and its roller coaster-esque nature seemed to be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it.

Yes, the story from how I went from a sobbing mess in a robe and a shower cap clutching a bottle of white wine (yes it was JUST as pathetic as it sounds, acually porbably more pathetic than it sounds) on Friday night to an arguably over-positive attitude today required QUITE the transformation- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it happened, oh boy did it ever happen.  Thankfully I am very fortunate to have people in my life that can kick me into gear when I least want them to, but most need it.  I had friends that literally picked me up when I was down, made me clean up my act (which did not turn out so badly if I don't say so myself...) and forced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me past this crazy state I was in.  Positive- I learn I can push past life adversities.  Then my friends, my new attitude, and myself hit the town!  Positive- confidence building experience, here we come.

Now we've had two negatives and no positives.  It's coming, a negative, we knew it was bound to happen- I mean between my unfortunate wine induced state earlier in the evening and my obsession with cafe petron I may or may not have made some...um...not completely thought out decisions later that night.  Negative- shit happens, BUT positive- just because you make a mistake, doesn't make you a bad person and I am a little bit smarter about certain life situations (turning a negative into a positive, see what I did there).  Cue awesome friends.  If your friends aren't dolling you up and taking you out to get you out of a funk, then they are getting in sweats, staying in and doing dinner and a movie complete with boy talk, too much dessert, and tissues if necessary.  Positive- friends are everything in life and I have so many phenomenal ones to keep me centered.

And the positives keep coming with fun snacks, making great connections with even greater people (highlight), deepening friendships, and taking time to explore interests and the more I focused on the great things that are in my life, the happier I became and the harder it was for the things that are not going well for me right now to bring me down.  I even got bad news today and took the extra minute to find the silver lining.  Something that would have flat out knocked me out for a solid day was takencare of with just a little ice cream and raviolis instead of a salad for dinner.

So after a weekend of craziness leading to one solid day of positive thinking I was able to see myself reacting better to negative situations- progressing and learning from them rather than stewing and letting them bring me down.  Maybe there is something to this whole positive thinking thing.  I am going to take this as far as it will take me.  Even the 2 am infomercials give you 30 days, and this process has proved itself after just 1, I'm sold.  Hot negativity make way- I've got a new attitude.

but is it really greener?

So this whole life thing... not so easy if you haven't noticed. If you have- you aren't alone. I don't have stats but I know that there are bunches of other people that find themselves cursing before their head even leaves the pillow in the morning (if they are fortunate enought to have one that is).  If you haven't- prepare yourself. This isn't play time. I wish it was because back in the day, play time rocked, and better yet, it was followed wth nap time. We had no idea how good we had it. We never do.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Not to say that I disagree, but I disagree. It's not that it is greener on the other side, it's more that we just dont know how green it is where we are. We learn to take our side's greenery for granted. Thinking "yeah, it's green- alwyas has been always will be."  And we stop providing it the support it needs to grow into its glorious green self. Then we see what others have worked hard at maintaining over the fense and we want that. 


We do what it takes to get it (arguably more often than not that calls for more hard work than just tending to our grass, but anyways). We get it- we finally get that elusive greener grass. And there again begins the cycle. We take out new (supposedly bigger, better, greener) green for what it is- bigger, better, and greener. Then we sit an watch as what we once had grows back to its former glory and start to want it, even more because we know we had it once before.  


The point here is that we need to take the time to step back, realize what we have, and appreciate it for how beautiful it is in and of itself rather than in comparison to everything around it.  We always have it better than we think we do, it's just a matter of realizing it.

reach for the stars

Goals are, in fact, dreams with deadlines. Nothing good ever happened without a deadline. Might not be a firm or short deadline, but all projects that are worthwhile are completed at some point. So you are going to have goals, you have to have something to work towards and different things are going to happen to with those goals.

 

1. You are going to meet some of them. Celebrate this. You have succeeded at something you wanted to do, you have grown as a result. Set a new goal, time to push to the next level. 
2. You are going to not meet some of them (notice how I didn't say fail, such a harsh word, fail.) You may not have succeeded, BUT you have learned something. You are know aware of a boundary that you have and have grown as a result. Maybe it is time to set a new goal to push that boundary. 
3. You are going to have to adjust some of them. This whole goal thing is not a matter of black or white. There are times that goals may shift but not be completely reached or not. There is no answer key to life so no one is going to tell you that you are wrong (and if they do, might be time to evaluate the people in your life), but you need to do what you need to do. 

I am not really sure where I am in my phases of goals. I feel like a royal failure (yes, I know, hash word, but I do feel it), as we all will from time to time, but I am not sure it I need to admit defeat and start anew or simply adjust. I know I need something, but I am grasping at straws to find what that something is.

Theoretically, there's not much I am missing. I have the best and most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for (thank you for being awesome btw), I have a job (employment is good), I have great hair (when I chose to make it as such), a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear. I got all the basics, and I know that's more than some people could ask for in a life time. So I start to feel guilty not feeling fulfilled. Not to say that my life is perfect, but it's better than a lot of lives out there right now. I am lucky in many ways and need to start finding ways to make myself feel like that. I guess thats a new goal, ironic how life works...

it's gonna be worth it

It has to be. There is no way it can't be...like its gotta happen. Right? Please tell me this isn't it. That Darius Rucker song is ringing through my head over and 
over. And I'm getting the stop lights, the chances, the broken hearts- when comes the THIS man? Seriously. I'm just about at my breaking point. I thought I had it. And then its torn away from me (well really I tear it away from myself if I want to be accurate). And I know its just because I want so badly to have my THIS moment.

I know I shouldn't make it happen because forcing it just leads to heartbreak, but GOODGOD I'm impatient!  I'd love to just let life work out the way its supposed to, but I don't operate on life time, I operate on warp speed; I have a five year plan people. And I don't care if life has other plans, but I'd just like it to let me know so I can adjust my expectations.


Life is all about expectations.  Scratch that, life is about managing expectations.  People expect things from us, we expect things from people, we expect things from ourselves.  Sometimes people expect too much from us and we end up pushing ourselves past our limits and do more harm then good.  Sometimes people don't expect enough and we lack the motivation to push ourselves to be the best that we can be.  The worst is when we do this to ourselves.  Managing expectations is important to keeping yourself in balance so that you can press forward to a good place without going past that to a negative place.  

We also need to manage our expectations of others.  Our whole existence is based around our relationships with others and we can do just as much harm and good for ourselves by managing our expectations of them.  I like to believe in people and try to expect the most from them, but sometimes it is hard to get past negative experiences.  Just as we must manage others' expectations of us to promote optimum growth, we must manage our expectations of others.  Guess right now I am just just exception too much of other's and myself.  New goal: find a way to manage my expectations and relive the pressure life is putting on me, I am putting on life, and I am putting on myself.

small victories

We all know there are many phases of life, and the ebb and flow of life leads to some of these phases being better than others. The good times are great, maybe it was your glory days of high school, your animal house in college, maybe it's being married to the love of your life and starting a family- doesn't much matter what it actually is that makes you the happiest, it's more about how everything seems to fall neatly and effortlessly into place. However, as my high school physics teacher once said, "the mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear" (sure he could have said "what goes up must come down," but Mr. Miller was always kind of a show-off). And this, my friends, is NOT just Newton's third law of motion, it's a pretty accurate statement on life. For every high point where everything is coming up roses, there is that time where you can't catch a break to save your soul. And for whatever reason, these lows always seem more relentless and inescapable than the highs.

When times are good, it's easy to keep them that way because there are (seemingly) more good things on which to focus. And the bad times make you feel like you are in a bottomless pit because everywhere you look something else is going wrong to bring your mood down. So I guess what it comes down to is what it is that you are focusing on- you may not be able to change what surrounds you, but you always have a chance to change your attitude when you look for what is scarce.

You can have the best life that there is to have- perfect job, house, car, significant other, friends, family, and so on... but still only see the little thing that is not as perfect as it could be, and then that one little thing can keep you from enjoying all the rest that life had to offer. And conversely, when everything seems to be going wrong, all it takes is one little thing, one small victory to help your mind lead the rest of you into a better state. Maybe it's that one show you like, that phone call with a friend you haven't heard from in a while, that email from a certain someone that makes you smile, the fact that in trying to save some money you gave yourself a manicure and it came out pretty darn good- the point is, when everything is going wrong, there is still something, some LITTLE thing that went right.

They say it's all about mentality, and I am all about the "mind over matter" thing, recently my mind has been down and my matter has been even down-er (yes I know it's grammatically incorrect but it works for dramatic effect people, work with me here) and I need to make a bigger effort to notice the little things and celebrate life's small victories. That is if I can figure out how....

when it rains...

So it's a rainy Thursday.  Not loving it, but it is indeed pretty representative of how I feel at the present time.  I'm feeling a bit under the whether and THAT I am pretty sure is related to not just the inevitable change of the seasons, but stress from every direction.  We all know fall is a time for change, but considering my life has been in a state of constant flux throughout summer, I was hoping fall would break suit this year and be a time of stability.

NOPE.

The change keeps coming, and there is not a spec of stability in sight.  My "the glass is half full"-ers might say that this is a great opportunity; a time for me to spread my wings, take chances, make mistakes, take full advantage of the fact that I have no ties, nothing holding me back.  Conversely, those in "the glass is half empty" camp are thinking more along the lines of how difficult it is to operate under these conditions; no stability means a real lack of confidence, feeling unsure about the future makes it even harder to operate in the present.  And my favorite group is sitting right here with me saying "I don't care if it's half full or half empty, as long as there's tequila in it."

Life is not easy, and it's true, when it rains, it does indeed pour.  Life throws its challenges at us when we are least prepared for a reason.  Just like the grass and flowers that need the rain to grow, we need these challenges to push us to (and sometimes just a little past) our breaking point to allow us to grow.  We may not like it when it is all coming down on us, but when we can bloom in the sunlight that follows the storm, we appreciate that rain and all it did for it.

So I'm trying to keep my chin up throughout all these little things that dramatically add up in these times of strife, and quite frankly am a little bitter in the process.  It's hard, and it's ok, and I am going to let myself be a little bummed for the time being because I'm not going to lie, I would really, REALLY appreciate a sight of that rainbow as the storm clears.  Just as the rainbow indicated the perfect balance of rain and sun, I need that sign of hope indicating a future with the right balance of stability and change.  Then maybe, just maybe I can have my life back.

life: it's just notthat pretty.

I was driving home today and it hit me.  What?  Nothing.  As I was driving from my childhood home to my apartment (which will soon no longer be), I got swept up in this big feeling of nothingness- I was washed with the realization that I was empty.  How could this be?  I have been working for a year to be anything but empty.  I thought I was finally at a point where I was the only one who can build me up or tear me down.  Isn't that what all this hard work was for?  So that I could be the master of my environment and not the other way around?

And beyond that, even if I wasn't as on top of my game as I thought, what in my environment was even making me feel this way?   I have everything I need, maybe not everything I want, but who does?  My environment would be more than pleasing from most people.  But for some reason I was blindsided with this desolate nothingness.  

I think I need to find that one thing that makes everything else all fall together.  As freeing as it is to be in your early 20s with nothing holding you down but your own will.  But really it's terrifying.  There is no direction, barely a suggestion of where to go.  Everything is so far up in the air that you barely think it's going to fall down, let alone where it may or may not fall.  So hard to make forward progress when you can barely see what lies ahead.  I am starving for that one thing that gives me the direction I'm lacking.  but in order to get that one thing I know I am going to have to take a risk.  

Taking a risk is never easy- the definition of risk is going in blind and hoping for the best out come while knowing that failure is a high possibility.  It's scary, but in order to have a starting point fore the rest of my life, it is that time.  As Britney Spears says, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" (yes I am quoting Britney, do not judge me)- I have to take that risk as a girl with nothing in the word holding me back and keep the responsible woman in me at bay with the confidence that I am doing this for her, so she can figure out what is to come.  Time to take the deep breath and jump into the unknown- its the only way forward.

happiness is as happiness does

So a very wise woman pointed out that there has been no updates here in a while.  I say very wise for many reasons, but mainly because she is right in making this observation.  I didn't even realize it until she reminded me that it had been some time before she read something new here.  For that I apologize.  But I hope to make up for it with some riveting content, or at least a fun story or two ;)


She told me: "I havent seen any blog posts since your smile has been here."  And that got me thinking- why must we all only complain?  I mean, I don't want to undermine myself in all of this, however, most of the things that I chose to babble about here are things that really bum me out or piss me off or put me in a generally unpleasant disposition and I vent and try to talk myself into seeing it in a more positive light.  Whether I think I can learn something from a bad situation or keep someone else from making the same mistake, I manage to convince myself that some good can come of it.  But the point here is that the good is a forced result of the bad.  I never just talk about how good things are- and honestly, not many people do.


We always see the bad stuff in life and we complain about it loud and (almost) proud.  We get together for the sole purpose of complaining.  Hell, we have some relationships that are based on nothing more than doing so.  It's sad to say, but think about it- are there, or are there not people that you would not talk to if you did not complain to/with them?  And what's sadder is that regardless of it's impact on the situation, we still do it.


But the truth is, there are many good things in life.  We all have at least one thing every day that is genuinely good.  That's it, just good.  And I am just a little upset to think about the fact that I have used this primarily as an outlet for negative thoughts and feelings and will make it a point to talk about the good things too.  


And that, friends, was my way of saying I am happy.  Life is good.  I am realizing that there are more things that make me feel fulfilled and fewer moments where emptiness runs my life.  The positive side of me is coming back, it's a good thing.  Time to embrace this whole good, happy thing.  About freaking time.

days go by

So it has been a while since I have mused about life and my awkward adventures within it.  I keep telling myself it is an issue of time.  But it seems that I don't have time for anything anymore.  Between working and pretending to be ok with the whole independent woman thing and being all domestic while also fixing toilets and the like, it is hard to find time to do much more than just function.  And it stinks.  


I know I am not the only one because whenever you talk about anything with anyone, namely how long it has been since you have seen them, the common excuse is "I know, I have just been so busy."  We all just nod and agree and have our bonding moment over how hard it is being a grown up even though it doesn't feel like we are old enough to be grown-ups, shudder, and opt for the bottle of wine.


It happens to all of us, getting swept up in the mundane borring-ness that is life.  But when do we start living rather than just surviving?  I know that concept is trite as anything and you are racking your brain for the name of that country song, rap song, chick flick, action movie, (have I made my point yet?) that you remember it from.  I know that things will get better and life gets easier as you establish yourself personally and professionally and that finances sort themselves out such that you can do more without worrying about where the money is coming from.  But right now I am kinda fed up.  I want to enjoy life and take in all that it has to offer, not just drag myself through it, waiting for something to happen.


I might not have it all, but I have enough to enjoy the little things in life.  It is time to start focusing on the friends that you are sharing the wine with rather than the job you hate to make the money to afford the more expensive bottle- Franzia gets the job done.  All joking aside, we spend do much time doing things to elevate ourselves and impress people that we barely have the time to spend with the people we are trying to impress.  We have to find the balance between making a living and having a life.


Friends are free, the best are their own reward and happiness is free, so I am going to start taking advantage of the incredible ROI potential (sorry, had to insert a corny business reference) and make the most of it... what ever it is.  Life is too short to be anything but happy, so it's time i start trying harder to achieve it, or maybe not trying as hard and let it just happen.

make it or take it

Yeah, sure this title may or may not be a nod to the ABC Family show popular among the pre-pubescent population... and me or my sister- and what?  And literally, I could go one for hours about the craziness that was tonight's episode, but I have more important things on my mind.  Lik life.


This whole concept of the future is daunting.  So we have ways of thinking about it such that we can focus on it without become overwhelmed by it.  And that's all well and good but there are two (not one, but TWO!!) mainstream schools of thought: 

1. that everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to happen it will.
2. you make your future into what it is by what you do today and the way in which you do it.

How the heck am I supposed to do this whole moving forward things if I don't know how it works.  Am I supposed to trust  that life will throw things at me for a reason and embrace it knowing that the good times will roll when the stars align?  Or am I supposed to take the bull by the horns and picture my future the way I want it and POWER towards it in any way possible?  I wish I had an answer.

My usual shtick is to pose the question or obstacle that I most recently encountered and walk through the options until I land on something that makes sense.  However, I dont know what makes sense here; you can't control what life throws at you, only how you react to it but there is also something to be said to be working hard to achieve your goals the way you have set them for yourself.  

I guess the best I can do is to realize that at the end of the day these two ways of thinking about this whole life thing is because it really is too difficult to think about as a whole.  There are some times where you have to bite the bullet and accept that life is taking a shot at you and there are some times where you get to look back at life and tell it to get over itself because you are doing what you want and you'll deal with it later.  

At the end of the day, it's a little of both.  yYur life is just like any other individual you will encounter; sometimes they win, sometimes you win, but either way the experience is something that will become part of who you are. We'll just figure it out as we go and just M-A-Y-B-E have a little fun along the way!

passion

Does passion even matter anymore?  Sometimes I feel like we are all robots, just going through the motions- very good and the what, where, when, and how, but terrible at the why.  No one cares why they do anything anymore and I don't like it, not one bit.  I've haven't even been in "corporate America" for a year and I feel worn out and tired- shouldn't i be 50 before I burn out?  I came into the workforce all bright-eyed, full of dreams of making a difference and changing the world.  And I find myself getting so sucked into the mechanics of it all, that those colorful dreams are getting replaced by grayscale realities.


What is life without the why?  Philosophers spend their lives answering the why questions, trying to determine the meaning of life.  People dedicate their entire lives to it while most can't even be bothered to think about it at all.  Just being perfectly content doing everything they are supposed to, just to do it, I guess so that they can say they can.


Quite frankly, I am not a robot.  I have a brain and more importantly a heart and I want to use them.  I want to enjoy the things I do and not only do I want to know the reasons, I want to enjoy the reason for doing them.  I know that there is a lot of passion inside me: passion for life, passion for people, passion for wanting to do something with my life.  I want to make an impact.  I am still searching for a productive way to embrace my passion and inject it into the world.  


Life is the journey, not the destination.  Life IS the why.  I don't want to look back and say "why not?" so why not live my passion today?

but who's gonna save me?

As people, we are concerned with people, I'm pretty sure it is what makes us humans.  We want to take care of each other, to love and be loved by one another, impress one another; we want to belong.  Our lives are based on the way we incorporate others into it.  The way that I consistently find myself involving myself with people is by being there, listening and supporting them in their life goals.  Most of the time, that is all people want- someone to listen to them, to make them feel like the most important thing in the world, even if for only the 5 minutes we are listening.


It might not feel like it, but we can save people in a way, just by listening to them.  It makes them feel bettered and more empowered than  before, but also makes us better for having helped.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in saving in others we forget to save ourselves.  But I don't think we can actually save ourselves; we can look out for ourselves, we can make sure we have what we need that we are taken care of, but we cannot save ourselves.  We need other people- people to tell us we are wrong, people to tell us how to be right, to bounce ideas off of, to correct, to collaborate with, to talk to, to love.


We all need someone.  And we might not realize who it is until they are no longer there.  But when we do have that person or group of people we need to embrace them and support them in they way they (knowingly or unknowingly) supported you.  Not just because you never know when you are gonna need them, but because helping them is a way of helping yourself.


This whole thought makes me think of the quote that I first came to know when I visited the Holocaust Memorial in Boston.  Everyone needs someone to be there for them to be their best- be that someone when you can and embrace that someone when you have them.

“They came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they cam for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was Protestant.  Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up”  - Martin Neimoller

The Memorial- you really should go take it in one day if you ever get the chance.

I need a crystal ball.. or not.

Can you tell the future?  Because I sure as hell can't; I'd like to, but quite frankly I just can't.  You never know what's going to happen and that's what makes life fun... and scary.  They tell you to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  But that never works.  You still get all worked up and anxious, thinking that the best case senario could not be any further from the realm of possibility.  You get so focused on preparing for the worst that you forget about the best.  Then you end up spending your life being scared.  But is it really living?


Nope.  If you spend your life being scared, you don't get to enjoy life and it's craziness (and yes, just because it's crazy, doesn't mean it's not enjoyable (yes, I know that you aren't supposed to use double negative, but it's by blog and I'll be grammatically improper if I want to, get over it.)).  And ironically, the way you live life will indeed dictate your future.  Just like I have said before, everything that happens makes a lasting mark on your life.  Every moment- no matter how large or small- becomes a part of you and the way you live your life from that day forward- whether you want it to or not.


Just as every moment becomes part of our life, every reaction to everyone of those moments  becomes part of our character- which is then tested at the next forever life changing moment.  And this, my friends, is what negates the need for a crystal ball.  Our character determines our future- for better or worse.  You have heard the term "self fulfilling prophecy," and such is life.  The way we chose to react in life dictates what life gives us to react to.  


When you think about it like this (whether you by it or not), you have to at least take a moment and think about the way you tend to react.  You might not change the lens through which you view life, but you should at least realize what the specs are for the one you are using.  So maybe instead of just wising we knew what the future held for us, we should just staart living in a way that invited the life we want to unfold before us.  You get what you give, scratch that- you get what you live.  So let's live the way we're supposed to- the way we want to.  "Make it happen."

gone but not forgotten

You're going along in your day, just going along all "la-dee-dah" and whatnot and then something comes and drags you down out of nowhere.  Maybe it's a song (most times it is a song for me), maybe it's a picture, maybe a smell, and maybe it's nothing at all.  You know when it happens because all of a sudden, you can't breathe- it hits you that hard.


It is easy to let one thing from one aspect of your life, in your day even, seep into the rest of it.  We are not compartmentalized: work, home life, friends, family, hobbies, interests, weeks, weekends, they all blend together.  And that's a fine concept when were are talking about how multidimensional and full and rich our lives are, but it's terrible when something bad happens and you become a distracted, despondent cranky-pants (yes, that is an official term) all because the aerobics instructor chose to bring remixes of old school love songs (which were awesome btw, just not that ONE song) or your boss nit-picks your presentation.


Everything that happens to us in our lives becomes an intrinsic part of our being.  Whether we recognize it or not, even the smallest happenings affect the outcome- the person who we will become.  Sometimes we don't notice when these things happen, sometimes we forget (and/or block out, whichever).  But just like our friends in high places, these moments come out of nowhere, when we least expect it.  I can't say that we should just prepare for it, because not only should we not, we can't.  All we can do is remember that moment as it was when it decides to come barreling back into our lies and re-evaluate it with our outlook on life through our current lens- much different that when it happened for sure- and appreciate the change that moment made, for better or worse.


The moments pass, but the affects are everlasting; it's what makes this journey just that,  journey.  We travel past people and through events, but they will always be hanging out in our rear-view mirror, making the path forward more clear and ride more interesting.

friends in high places

People have a funny way of being there for you when you need it.  When you feel alone and like no one is on your side, your cheering section seems to pop out of nowhere; it's a great thing, really.  I know I get so caught up in life and doing whatever needs to get done that sometimes I forget that I am not, in fact, in it alone.  Even when we are constantly surrounded by people, it is easy to forget about the support systems that we have worked to prepare for ourselves.


We are social creatures.  We need each other to learn from and teach, to listen to and advise, to follow and to lead.  Our relationships make us stronger and whether that strengths comes from our relationships building us up or our relationships tearing us down so that we must build ourselves up, we grow as people because of the rest of the people in our lives.  I thrive on social interaction, so much so that I only realize it when I am alone.


Today I was reminded, in a very good way, about the important role that people play in your life.  And how no matter how alone you feel, there is someone to support you in just the way that you need to be supported.  Sometimes we forget that we are not an island; we don't have to keep going at it alone.  We can ask for help and take the support others offer us as a way of elevating ourselves to meet the challenges of life.  


That being said, you really do get what you give- when you give your heart to someone, they will return the favor.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they will be there when you need it, possibly when you least expect it.  So when we have left our island on our (inevitably) cushy yacht, we should remember to stop by a neighboring island and help out one of our fellow travelers in this journey of life.  


As much as people get on my nerves from time to time and as deeply hurt as I have been by people, I know that those that are in it for me and in it to win it, no matter what.  Thanks friends.  I couldn't do it without you. :)

you cant't always get what you want

Done.  Well I mean, what do you want from me?  As far as my thought of the day goes, that's pretty much it.  

Oh, FINE, I guess I'll to add some substance to this thought: there are things that you want that you just can't have.  And it sucks.  I wish it wasn't the case, that you could just work hard until you got EVERYTHING that you want instead.  But there are some things that regardless of how hard you work, that will never be able to attain.  And, although I am reluctant to admit it, that is not a bad thing.  If you could get everything you wanted, there would be nothing to aspire to.  Although you need to set incremental, attainable goals in order to promote growth and track your progress, you always need a level that is just that little bit out of reach to keep you motivated to keep upping the ante and continue your personal/professional/intellectual development.

As insightful and logical as that sentiment is, it really doesn't make wanting  and not having feel any better.  Wanting is not a good feeling; we want (there is is again) to act on it, take some sort of action to transform a want into a pleasurable experience for ourselves.  We are motivated- some more than others- to make ourselves happy and pursue our desires.  But when we can't, what are we supposed to do?  Well first, you throw yourself a pitty party (just a short one, it's deserved from time to time), then you take a step back and realize what makes up the thing that you desire- this way, you can break it down, focus on the elements that are more attainable get those and keep the rest of it in the back of your mind until you have made progress.  Then you can work on the rest.  And you might find that it isn't even what you really wanted in the first place.  

You might not be able to have it all or at least have it all now.  But you can get some satisfaction, might not be in the way that you think, but it will be there.  And use that little bit of pleasure to encourage yourself to continue working towards the rest of it that may or may not become yours eventually.  Don't get lost in wanting what you can't have, as hard as that might be, focus on the joy of getting what you can have and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may.  You'll get where you need to be, life has a funny way of working out like that.

free form destiny

Someone asked me where I wanted to be (professionally) in 5 years today.  My honest response was, "that is a great question."  I have no freaking clue where I want to be five years from now- I barely know where I want to be tomorrow!  Thinking back five years ago, did I think I would be sitting here with my markting degree in a technology company doing B2B marketing? NOPE.  Did I think I would be living where I live, with who I live with?  NOPE.  Did I think that any piece of my life would be the way it is?  NOPE.  I think you get the point. 


But it's not like I didn't have a plan.  In fact, I had a very detailed, structured five year plan.  Everything from career, to continued education, to hobbies, to personal relationships was mapped out, color coded, I'm pretty sure I even had a couple of flow charts kicking around.  Seriously!  But somewhere along those five years, life happened.  And here I am floating around, my main concern being staying afloat, I haven't even begun to think about where I want to go let alone how I am going to get there.  This is a problem in my life.  Or maybe it's not.


After establishing that I have no freaking clue where I want to take my professional career, I got some great advice from two of my mentors- you know you have good mentors when two of them have the same advice.  "Think about what position you want to be in five years from now, figure out what skills that would take, and keep a list of both skills that you have that fall in line with the position requirements as well as those that you need to acquire before you have the full gamete.  Work on getting experiences that build the skills you are missing and there in lies your plan."


Brilliant advice if you don't know how to get where you are going: start at the end and work backwards.  However, it doesn't really help if you have no clue where you want to be in five years.  The point being, you can plan, execute, review, and repeat all day in order to meet your goals, but figuring out what goals to set has to come from somewhere.  I would refer back to my head vs. heart post.  They both have their appropriate functions: our brain can easily figure out how to get where we are going, but our heart has to select where that destination is.  And until it decides where you want to go, it's ok to float, just make sure you enjoy the ride.

what the hell just happened?

Have you ever have a whirlwind weekend?  One of those strings of days where life is happening so fast that you forget to enjoy it?  Life can get overwhelming- sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a "I can't breathe anymore" way.  Yeah- it's exhausting; I need another weekend just to recover from my weekend.  Thankfully, this most recent whirlwind was one of good times with good people, but for better or for worse the feeling is the same.


Life doesn't stop, it doesn't slow down- it is what it is.  You have to take steps where you can to make sure you get to live while life is flying by.  It is an effort, taking the most from what life has to offer as it whips by you.  Especially because we are constantly bogged down but the "if only's" of yesterday and the "maybe's" of tomorrow that we forget the "here-and-now's" of the moment we are in.  We can't appreciate what we are doing because we are concerned about what we are forgetting or what we have to or will give up in order to do what we are doing.  It's sad really.  Life seems to have become more about the preparation and debriefing more than the actual events.  


We need to be mindful of these kinds of things.  We need to spend our life living, rather than planning how we are going to live it; even the best plan becomes useless if it is constantly being iterated and reiterated rather than acted out.  We must remember that life is but a series or fleeting moments and once they come and go, we don't get them back.  We may get second chances in life as far as people, places, and things are concerned, but a second chance comes with a new series of moments- we will never have the SAME moment back to do it.  


Thankfully, we have things and/people in our lives to remind us of the precious moments in life.  It is different for everyone.  Maybe it's your mother telling you to put your phone away.  Maybe it's your friends telling you to put down the camera and enjoy the show.  Maybe it is a loved one we have to say goodbye to too soon.  Maybe it is something as simple as watching the rain wash a freshly chalked piece of art down the drain.  Whatever your reminder is, take it- live your life now, enjoy every brief moment, and appreciate the take aways from ever experience.

one step forward, two steps back

Every day is a new one unlike the one before.  In theory we are some better versions of ourselves as we have thoughtfully contemplated out life choices of the previous day and have grown as a result.  Not always the case.  Most of the time I find myself having made strides in one are of life but feeling like a failure in another; so much so that it almost overshadows the successes that I had.  

Both successes and failures are important in life, and I know that.  But why can't the success outshine the failures?  Why does does forward progress come with something dragging you back?  I was thinking about this as I was listening to my mix CD from high school that I found while cleaning.  Positive = loving the songs that are now throwbacks, negative = between memories that the songs bring back plus the general sentiment of some of them really got to me.  I really wanted to just enjoy the awesome awkwardness that was this mix of songs (many of which were remixed) but I couldn't honestly enjoy it.  It made me think of how often I let the negative in the situations I encounter take over.

Most of the time, there is little reason to focus on what's dragging you down.  We get caught up in life and go with the motions, but as soon as we take a few steps back we see that we are simply caught in the tide and can easily get to the warm sand of the shore with just a little effort.  So rather than one step forward and two steps back, maybe it's really two steps back to realize that you are moving forward.

Every day will be better than the last because you are really an improved version of yourself- it's time to realize that we have the ability to make life situations better by controlling them rather than just floating along hoping that it all works out.  It's hard to conquer, but remember that you become better at it with each experience.  Take your steps back, take control, and live the life you want to.

every time it rains

I know why they wrote that song, the rain SHOULD go away and come back another day... for us only to sing the song again to make it leave once more.  We don't lik the rain, which makes sense- the rain stinks!  The skies are gray, the roads are slippery, your hair frizzes, you can't bring your nice bag out, puddles seem like the Pacific Ocean separating you and the office building with the potential to ruin your pants.  Long story short, rainy days are crappy days.  And everybody shows it; no one bursts in the door celebrating the "glorious weather" on a rainy day, unless they are trying to make a joke (which really isn't even funny considering a statement like this just remind you of the crappy weather which brings down the mood.).  But where would we be without the rain?

Rain nourishes the earth, water is necessary for life.  Not just because all living things need water, but because we need something to compare the nice days to so that we know they are, in fact, nice.  In nature, there is balance- for every weed there is a flower, for every desert an ocean, for every cat a dog.  Nothing comes without an opposite in some sense which we need to give us the full picture of life.  So as much as I hate the rain, I know it is necessary to make the nice days nicer, literally and by comparison.

Too bad it's not easy to remember that on the rainy days.  I always find myself sad, unproductive, cranky, moody- generally unpleasant.  And on top of that I find that everyone I deal with has a fairly poor disposition as well.  Makes for an even longer and more miserable day than usual.  The whole day gets me down, and the further I get the more I just find myself going through the motions and begging for the night to come and take away the day.  But I don't want to go through life waiting for it to be over.  Even if it is only one day, it is one day that I will never get back and I spent it wishing for an end.  FAIL.

Life should be appreciated for what it is, not spent wishing and hoping and definitely not just waiting.  We need to embrace what each day gives us, no matter how crappy it seems.  In fact, it is these crappy days that will give us more in the long run.  Life is, after all, what we make it more so than what we are given.  Carpe diem.  Take the bull by the horns.  Attack life and don't let it attack you.  The rain brings nourishment, renewal, invigoration.  So even if today was a bust, tomorrow is brimming with the possibility of success, don't let that one go.